The Surly Sirloin Slasher

I take to processed beef like a bloodthirsty shark takes to a seal. I am a sedentary hunter who likes the thrill of the plate. I am the Ambassador of Beef, the King of Cutlets, and the Voice on Veal. I am the Surly Sirloin Slasher.

I cut through steak like a skier cuts through the powder in Aspen. I work all sides of a T-bone with equal precision. I know when to nibble, I choose when to chew, and I have absolutely no beef with red meat. Ever since my adult incisors erupted, I've been gnawing, tearing, and digesting the best that nearly any ungulate mammal has to offer.

I've learned to cleverly incorporate vegetation into my beef feasts as well. Namely: lettuce, tomato, and onion. I've also utilized the services of my fellow mushrooms and learned that their relationship with onion reminds me of a newlywed couple... Always complementing each other. I realize that the last example was not exactly ambiguous, but lets remove the peabody glasses and take it for what it is.

Whether it be charbroiled, chargrilled, cooked, sauteed, smoked, or roasted, I'm pleased to meat it. I'm always anxious to find yet another beef preparation technique, but I will never rush into an unproven method. I feel that each and every delicious animal in question has made the ultimate sacrifice just so I may sustain myself, so why should I perform the ultimate disservice by not using the latest and best in culinary methodology? Skinless chicken breast? Go to Hell. Celery? I don't think so. Soy burgers? Now you see why I am so surly.

If you don't know this already, I am the Boss of Bovine. The Sultan of Steaks. I am the Glutton of Mutton. I also conveniently happen to be the Sorceror of Seasoning. A pinch here, a baste there, and within minutes I'm on the highway to heaven. Where heaven is just on the greased-up napkin end of an 11 oz. burger.

I understand that many animal activists and vegans may find my habits and practices detestable. To that, I have no ironclad argument. Absolutely none. I can't say that I can't live without meat, because I could. I understand that there are many somewhat suitable alternatives to eating animal tissue. I am well aware that if I am steadfast in my drive for a diverse diet of non-animal matter that I can satiate my body's need for all of the essential amino acids. I am not in anyway attempting to thrust my pro-beef opinions on others. If that were my mission, I would ask those who oppose my platform to offer any feasible solution to sustaining a population of 6.8 billion on plants alone. This is not what I'm after. What I am after, is sharing my intense beef libido with others. Since as I recall, there is nothing wrong with singing the praises of well-cooked livestock.

As you can see, my beef-laden intentions are innocent, and as I can feel, I am getting quite hungry. I have a demanding quota to meet, and if I fall behind... I have to Ketchup.