tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21304503142212800422024-03-13T14:10:24.272-04:00This Week in DudeThe one and only source for your weekly Dudesletter... what we lack in web design, we pack in our WranglersJerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comBlogger108125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-5850199085092337202018-12-15T16:54:00.000-05:002019-03-15T15:39:10.373-04:00Dude Poetry: The Rusty Shed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-unpyK8TAbXE/XBV3joAtLqI/AAAAAAAADTk/EfRTGWiYwxsdsa_KUpncnclDs2njRWGSgCLcBGAs/s1600/board-dirty-door-602160.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1068" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-unpyK8TAbXE/XBV3joAtLqI/AAAAAAAADTk/EfRTGWiYwxsdsa_KUpncnclDs2njRWGSgCLcBGAs/s640/board-dirty-door-602160.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"> <a href="https://www.pexels.com/@eyeball3000-37274" target="_blank">Photo Credit</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
There it sits out back like an immobile egret<br />
On a slab of concrete flanked by wooden planks<br />
I haven't been back there in years, but it seems yet,<br />
That I already know exactly what's inside there<br />
<br />
Antiquated lawn equipment and smelly gasoline<br />
An oil can, some work gloves, a stool<br />
It's all there and unadulterated<br />
Every implement, and every tool<br />
<br />
The exoskeleton is weathered<br />
A strong wind may someday take it down<br />
Its sides rusty and red<br />
The roof barely hanging on<br />
Perhaps some words should be said<br />
Before nature razes this rusty shed<br />
And end its fading era, and we move on<br />
<br />
I named it nothing<br />
About 40 years ago<br />
<br />
When it wasn't always rusty<br />
This ole rusty shed<br />
And always there for you<br />
<br />
Great for storage<br />
Primed aesthetic<br />
Its eventual fall may be fault all my own<br />
How I wished I never missed maintenance<br />
<br />
We lost what I neglected to name in a freak hail storm<br />
Flaking layers jettisoned to the swirling stratosphere<br />
40 years<br />
That's a good run for a shed<br />
I think<br />
<br />
And 40 years<br />
That's a long time to know a shed<br />
A long time to know anyone.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-57714555500617489592015-01-31T13:33:00.000-05:002019-03-15T15:52:34.454-04:00The Perpetually Embarrassed Male Preteen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6HgSRs2QFA/VM0cSwXXuCI/AAAAAAAAClU/3sXf7AqqhRY/s1600/puberty_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y6HgSRs2QFA/VM0cSwXXuCI/AAAAAAAAClU/3sXf7AqqhRY/s1600/puberty_001.jpg" width="307" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Eleanor Roosevelt once said: "<i>The only thing harder than puberty, is pre-puberty..."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Okay, she never stated that publicly, but it's an <i>important message</i> that still applies today -- ask any dude that's had a "raging biological reminder" at the worst possible time.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i>TWID INTRODUCES CHUCK FLANNERTY AND CHARLIE JR IN:</i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><br /></b>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">THE PERPETUALLY EMBARRASSED MALE PRETEEN:</span></b><br />
<br />
"DAYAD! Stop... YOU'RE <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/jaromir-jager.html" target="_blank">EMBARRASSING ME</a>! Debbie's right over there..."<br />
<br />
All of us have been this guy (or GIRL), and at one point or another (and unless our father is <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0904208/" target="_blank">David Duchovny</a>) we've been mortified by one or both of our parents.<br />
<br />
Chuck Flannerty was always putting his son Charlie through an emotional crucible. Whether he was wearing plaid on stripes, socks under sandals, or ordering a few too many IHOP pancakes a little too loudly. All of it was too much for Charlie Jr. to bear.<br />
<br />
Charlie was 12 years and 104 days old, and at the height of preteenhood. His dad was no longer his <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-coefficient-of-friction-of-pete.html" target="_blank">hero</a> or undisputed best friend. The placard fell off what seemed like years ago. Charlie viewed his dad as a burden, and tried his best to deal with him through patience. The hormones of preteenhood had made Charlie very paranoid and very insecure. He'd change his "look" bi-weekly, and his friends just as often.<br />
<br />
Nothing enflamed these hormones and insecurities quite like when he was around his crush, Debbie Alexander. Debbie was 13, a foot taller than Charlie, and could probably beat him at arm-wrestling.<br />
<br />
Charlie thought he had a chance with Debbie... WHEN HIS DAD WASN'T AROUND. Charlie's dad was such a <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/operation-dessert-storm.html" target="_blank">corny goofball</a> -- making jokes with punchlines coming from a mile away, farting in the minivan -- doing stuff that Charlie once adored, but now abhorred with excruciation.<br />
<br />
The peak of prepubescence is denoted by embarrassment. Charlie Flannerty just wished his dad would go away for awhile. No more noogies, no more "bear hugs," and no more talking to Debbie. GOD!<br />
<br />
"I'm not into Robin Hood anymore Dad, cut it out!" Charlie whimpered as he carefully coiffed his hair. Charles Senior just stood in the hallway, green tights stretched to a pea hue. "It was not too long ago when you were into this stuff, Chuck... now you're finally talking to girls... I think I like it!"<br />
<br />
Chuck Sr. took the bittersweetness in stride, lamenting while he was happy. <br />
<br />
"Just stop, Dad." Charlie felt he already had too much on his plate. Debbie was coming over and he needed his dad to take them to the skating rink. And he'd prefer if Charlie Sr. would get the hell out of his Robin Hood costume, and burn it while they were gone.<br />
<br />
"Sometimes I swear you're so immature, DAD." Charlie's dad took this verbal abuse because he'd do anything to reconnect with his rapidly evolving son. Charlie was also exploring his boundaries -- both with his parents, and with the prospect of true love.<br />
<br />
Would tonight be <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/mobile-home-desire.html" target="_blank">the night</a> of their first hand-holding? Highly unlikely. As Chuck Sr. dropped off both Charlie and Debbie, he kissed his offspring's forehead, as he messed up his hair completely. GOD! It's as if Charlie Jr. was on the brink of preteen aneurysm, thinking that the only positive experience this Friday night would be one from his stupid Dad.<br />
<br />
Imagine the confidence Charlie would've had if he'd known that Debbie thought all of it was cute.<br />
<br />
Charlie didn't get to hold hands that Friday night, but in the anthology of life experience, it really didn't matter. He treated Debbie like he was a young gentleman, and yet wracked by nerves, ended up having a fun time. Debbie would go on to see other people throughout puberty, and so would Chuck Jr. They'd meet up 15 years later at a high school reunion, and reminisce about mutual memories. When the bases were covered, they embraced and then parted ways. The two of them talked endlessly about everything. Everything except this one ostensibly embarrassing night for Charlie. A Friday night 15 years ago that neither of them could seem to remember.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Need more Retrospective Dude Content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/02/twid-greeting-cards.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/01/twid-mosaics.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1iu2uGtlBw" target="_blank">This</a></i><br />
<br />Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-11477790728046425172015-01-22T00:18:00.002-05:002015-07-11T12:04:15.331-04:00Apache Thunder<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><i>Wildmyan in...</i></b></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">APACHE THUNDER</span></b><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_KtURZQlSd4/VME50exZ04I/AAAAAAAACkc/MlOOsh0A2fE/s1600/Great_Plains_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="426" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_KtURZQlSd4/VME50exZ04I/AAAAAAAACkc/MlOOsh0A2fE/s1600/Great_Plains_001.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/58893878@N02/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<i>Follow these links for previous chapters in the Saga: <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/wildmyan-where-it-all-began.html" target="_blank">Where it all Began</a>, <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/covered-wagon-escape.html" target="_blank">Covered Wagon Escape</a>, and <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-dark-side-of-duluth.html" target="_blank">The Dark Side of Duluth</a>. </i></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
Covered in salad dressing, Wildmyan calculated his next move. From the looks of things, it appeared Wildmyan had gotten into a barbecue fight with <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/personalities/greta-van-susteren/bio/#s=r-z" target="_blank">Greta Van Susteren</a>. But sadly this wasn't the case. As you may recall, Wildmyan had just dispatched the outlaw Geoffrey James back in Duluth. Unfortunately, that still qualified him for manslaughter, so he had to be on his way.<br />
<br />
<b>WILDMYAN WAS ROLLIN' LIKE A TUMBLIN' WEED!</b><br />
<br />
He left that Duluthian bar with 6 shots of whiskey on a barren stomach. Literally. His stomach was like a mutant uterus meant not to have children. To remedy his dizziness and achieve some comfort, Wildmyan decided to fill up "short ribs." Unfortunately again, Wildmyan had actually found some diseased calf meat on the side of Route 61. Thank god his stomach was a mutant uterus. He digested the rotting puppy cow meat no problem.<br />
<br />
This is also when he discovered "blue cheese." He swiped a few small buckets of it from the bar counter as left, and took to the blue cheese dressing like a rabid dog to a ham bone, sucking fluidic ounces of it as if it were strawberry milk for a juvenile diabetic.<br />
<br />
Wildmyan knew he must continue his way out of Duluth, but the food coma was coming on strong. He had eaten merely 12 lbs. of festering veal carcass, but it was enough to facilitate the slumber. Finding an oak tree about 100 yards off the median, Wildmyan <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KL-G_y8Q_qc" target="_blank">circled it four times</a>, and then nestled at its base.<br />
<br />
<b>WILDMYAN BEGAN DREAMIN' LIKE CRAZY!</b><br />
<br />
Wildmyan slept the sleep of a tired warrior that night. What felt like only an hour or two had actually been five hours of aggressive hallucination and rapid eye movement. Those five hours were filled with just about every dream you would imagine an illiterate Southwestern recluse could have. From sun-bathing with coyotes, to playing "cactus football," and even fantasizing love-making to an Apache woman while Amy Grant played in the background.<br />
<br />
Wildmyan was a survivor, and he soon got up and rolled around, stretching out from what seemed like either 2/3 of a day's worth of sleep or a violent seizure. He yawned a barbaric yawn, his eyes bulging out of his orbitals, his upper lip nearly commandeering his forehead. Just as it appeared that Wildmyan would slip back to slumber, he saw something. Thinking fast he grabbed something. He worked with this newfound instrument while keeping his eyes out toward the horizon. His stare <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/ned-narrative.html" target="_blank">diligent and steady</a>. <br />
<br />
"What a great day to die" Wildmyan muttered as he sharpened the business end of an oak branch. A puma nervously eyed him from a hundred yards away.<br />
<br />
<b>WILDMYAN VERSUS THE PUMA</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
The Puma wasn't purring, this mountain lion was eyeing a feast as nearly as big as Wildmyan's previous meal. The cat oscillated her whiskers, lowered her haunches, and CHARGED!<br />
<br />
Wildmyan stood still for a moment, contemplating his objective and adjusting his eyes to the Great Plains sun. The Puma leapt for his throat, but hit the ground without securing her victim. Wildmyan spun around, shoved his oak branch spear, and hit nothing but butthole. The puma let out a vicious roar. The cat sensed equal portions pleasure and pain as nine inches of oak branch had been crudely shoved through her exit door.<br />
<br />
The cat's gait was compromised, and Wildmyan knew this was time to finish her off. He raised his arms, ready to choke the Puma into the afterlife when he noticed something... empathy.<br />
<br />
Instead of choking the feline lifeless, Wildmyan aggressively stroked her fur. At first the Puma coiled back in anger, but then she smelled the road carnage on his breath, she sensed that perhaps her and the Wildmyan might be equals. After a brief toe-to-paw encounter, the Puma lowered her guard. So did Wildmyan. Thus beginning what would become a fruitful <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/eugene-levy-and-anthony-davis-lowbrow.html" target="_blank">symbiotic relationship</a>.<br />
<br />
Wildmyan started the next leg of his journey with his new Puma companion. He carefully removed the oak branch from her quivering buttocks, and she thanked him by becoming his animal guardian. Wildmyan now had a dog in the fight, and this dog was a mountain cat.<br />
<br />
... <i>TO BE CONTINUED</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Need more Wild Western Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-man-in-zubaz-pants.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-thread-dedicated-to-shred-twids-top.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gM5TjSOQ48" target="_blank">This</a></i><br />
<br />
Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a><br />
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-40703136650578170312015-01-15T17:08:00.002-05:002015-07-11T12:04:24.673-04:00Your Cat Hates You... Guaranteed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VqEi_CzuMGA/VLg0aJ83OlI/AAAAAAAACjc/sqw7RNhqZ0A/s1600/Cat_1414.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VqEi_CzuMGA/VLg0aJ83OlI/AAAAAAAACjc/sqw7RNhqZ0A/s1600/Cat_1414.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/time-to-look/" target="_blank">source</a><br />
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What's the only difference between a house cat and a Bengal tiger?<br />
<br />
A tiger is much less of an asshole.<br />
<br />
If a house cat could throw around 230 pounds of muscle, the human race would more than welcome <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/10/5-fck-yeah-moments-from-walking-dead.html" target="_blank">a zombie apocalypse</a> to help with their shitty cat problem.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Bob Barker knew something. He knew that if cats continued to breed, they'd continue to mutate, enlarge, and fill to the brim with rage. And not just any rage... Cat Rage.<br />
<br />
Just think for a second—your cat weighs somewhere between 6 and 37 pounds and it controls you.<br />
<br />
"<i>... open that old can of watery tuna and maybe I won't <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-thread-dedicated-to-shred-twids-top.html" target="_blank">shred</a> your microfiber loveseat while you're gone...</i>"<br />
<br />
A cat is like that guy who dresses nice, keeps himself clean, but is a total dickheaded prick. He'd pee all over everything you'd own—if he was a cat. Which is exactly what all cats eventually do. Either because they decide they hate you, or they somehow end up living for 26 years and no longer own a bladder.<br />
<br />
Your cat is 1999-2001 Marshall Mathers: filled with rage and sick, cruel jokes. He's slim and he's shady (unless you feed him too much Meow Mix).You can barely count on two hands how many times you've wanted to stuff your cat into a roaring blender. You didn't though, because you're better than animal cruelty. Unfortunately, your cat isn't. If he had the opportunity, he'd liquefy you and leave through the front door.<br />
<br />
And are we even sure these <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/wildmyan-where-it-all-began.html" target="_blank">creatures are domesticated</a>? My buddy had a cat in college, and the first time I met this cat, he ran away from me. An hour later, he ran at me (Predator 2 style), bit me on the forearm, and disappeared back down a dark hallway.<br />
<br />
That would've been the first time I ever said "What the hell?!" to a cat. But let it be known that I grew up with THREE cats. Cats that nibbled a hole into my ceiling and created an attical refuge. Weird. On most nights, usually around 3 in the morning, these three whisker-teers would race throughout the house. Pounding their paws to the carpet, mewing like idiots. Whenever I'd check to see if they were okay, they'd disappear, leaving behind only a ball of hair (and sometimes an undigested bird carcass).<br />
<br />
That's right, cats kill shit. Every other day I'd find anything ranging from mouse to rabbit to possible hobo intestine lying on the back porch floor mat. As if to say, "Lookit that! I caughtz it, I killz it, and it's 4 YOU!" I hated cleaning up these animal guts nearly as much as I would someday loathe Internet "cat-speak."<br />
<br />
You still think your cat loves you? <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/dale-helmet-world-class-idiot.html" target="_blank">You are a FOOL</a>! They look at you as a reliable food supply-line. Once in a while, they'll let you rub their glands! Think about that. In exchange for putting a roof over their head, a roof over their bathroom, medicating them, feeding them, and being their supreme benefactor, they let you rub their glands. Yeah, what a "trade-off."<br />
<br />
Right now, if you're a cat owner, you're probably staring at your fluffy little Persian as its diaphragm gently expands and descends while it sleeps peacefully on your couch. You're probably not thinking that he's been plotting a violent takeover ever since he lost his kitten card. Heed my word, cats are killers! They are the Phoenix Online diplomas of domestication. They got their certificate at their safety-safety-safety school. The claim to their tame is not accredited.<br />
<br />
Yarn, catnip, scratching posts—these are not toys, they are distractions. Boiling chips that keep your cat's blood from simmering. They are what keep you alive. Your cat is an innate ninja. And if you don't meet his many demands. He. Will. Kill. You.<br />
<br />
But look at you! You decided to be proactive <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leN5Vm3qdAY" target="_blank">like Bob Barker said</a>, and had your cat spayed and/or neutered. Did you really think that was a good move? Way to rattle the lion's cage, jackass! Now your cat has a valid reason to snuff you out. You better pray he doesn't find out who did this to him! You see those stripes in his coat? Each one is for a different kill.<br />
<br />
Petting a cat is playing Russian Roulette. 5 times out of 6, the cat abides. But that one time, no matter how innocuous the contact, he's going to PIERCE YOUR FLESH WITH HIS CAT FANGS!!! Who's to say he's not just a four-legged snake capable of filling your house with hyper-allergenic dander?<br />
<br />
Just look at this table:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Cat/Snake Similarities Table</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
CAT | SNAKE</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Same Eyes</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Same Fangs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Both lay eggs</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
The most appropriate Halloween costume for your cat/egg-laying pit viper that has ever existed has to be a <a href="http://www.blu-raydefinition.com/reviews/a-clockwork-orange-blu-ray-review.html" target="_blank">droog from A Clockwork Orange</a>. "Meow, a little bit of the ultra-violence, meow..." If you didn't do your best to keep him indoors, he'd be out on the town wearing a funny mask and beating up old people. Guaranteed.<br />
<br />
Bottom line: your cat is dangerous and you should mail it to Madagascar. Put your "emotional attachment" aside and begin to realize that your cat views you as its food whore and excretion technician and that's it. Understand that during the night, your cat sits in the dark like an egg-laying hen, fantasizing your end days.<br />
<br />
Your cat is an asshole that licks his own asshole. He pees in places for no reason. He shits in a box. And you claim to have "trained" him! But truth is, he's trained you! Trained you to empty said shit box. Trained you to give him his space. To give him something carpeted to scratch so he doesn't destroy your couch and gouge out your eyes. He doesn't need you. You need him. If you died alone in your apartment, he'd be cool with that. If he ran out of kibble he'd probably eat your extremities. He could live for years off of your carcass. Playing with your hair, chewing your ear lobes, carving dirty cat words into you with each fresh pair of claws.<br />
<br />
Your cat doesn't love you, he loathes you, and he's just using you because he doesn't have any other prospects. Don't believe me? Go outside and drop your cat in the middle of the street. Will he come back to you? No. He's gonna Mary Tyler Moore your ass and be on his merry little way.<br />
<br />
Moral of the story? Cat's don't have morals. And they won't give you companionship, they'll give you herpes.</div>
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<i>Need more cat-like Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/establishments-of-man.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/02/walter-white-vs-francis-underwood.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/establishments-of-man.html" target="_blank">This</a></i><br />
<br />
Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-74601630827600361282014-12-20T12:25:00.002-05:002015-07-11T12:04:37.367-04:00Uncle Randy’s Hosiery Corner<div class="p1">
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qa49jmJPtzI/VJWurdlaKSI/AAAAAAAACi0/sMTSw5BVj4g/s1600/Hosiery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Qa49jmJPtzI/VJWurdlaKSI/AAAAAAAACi0/sMTSw5BVj4g/s1600/Hosiery.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/58584000@N03/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span class="s1">We all have <a href="http://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/weird-family-photographs-18-copy.jpg" target="_blank">strange Uncles</a>. Shit, some of us have strange Aunts. Unfortunately, this piece isn’t about crazy Mom-sisters like your rapidly-aging Aunt Ruth, or your abominable Aunt Margaret. This is a tractate of one crazy uncle — by the name of Randy — who likes to give mention to women’s unmentionables.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">TWID PRESENTS (<i>A JOSEF COCKBURN PRODUCTION)</i>:</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i>UNCLE RANDY’S HOSIERY CORNER</i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Chewing tobacco <i>will </i>give you cancer. But if you don’t spend enough time in Target sniffing women’s under-leggings, you’ll totally get cancer too, and you’ll get it right up in your butt.” </span></div>
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<span class="s1">~ <i>Uncle Randy, 2007.</i></span><br />
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<span class="s1">Randall Manbrier is <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/davina_wayne/13651774345/in/photolist-mNmUTK-foMZyL-futQPQ-chZ3h7-q6AM4Y-obfHqK-piBaqp-7ZPRzG-qarFi1-hen86D-iVEsuY-e8fpvq-ebvnhK-pvfyfP-jbdEcN-6bKg9A-gJu6KK-fDG2eS-odmVGS-qiBm7e-nDM7bk-m4Xj54-mrjbFC-bcL2Gi-dK6nZB-fT1Esg-43GyjC-pEeFqm-fA2Q7K-ivx5k5-dkYjey-nLEFMf-khWvWn-pFNutU-pW3a4W-jd7TMW-gpuz35-eQsKfH-ed7cS7-ptQm5x-91YFAc-gzV1z6-bvorEZ-opiTFT-6cEGn5-np8Td3-pZXsix-8AUbcy-nDM7e6-d8bK8Y" target="_blank">passionate about pantyhose</a> — their feel, their look, and their <i>integumentary</i> <i>resiliency</i>. This pursuit is not at all sexual, for Randy it’s <i>academic business</i>. Uncle Randy has systematically devoured the innovations of women hosiery from 1986-1992 and rejoined in 1997, after a 5-year hiatus in which he attempted to grow a fish pond. The fire roars today as it has roared for the last two decades -- and the six years before that <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/ned-narrative.html" target="_blank">weird time</a> with the fish pond. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Yes, I am referring to that Randall Manbrier, the star of “AFTERHOURS FIREHOSE IV” — the world's number-one grossing pornographic film. A movie most of you have seen, but none will admit to watching.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Yer barkin’ up the wrong tree, Randy” his dad Oswald would always rebuff (and he wasn’t even talking about Randy’s disturbing foray into male-on-male-on-frightened-gelding pornography). But Uncle Randy didn’t care that his father didn’t care for his hosiery neurosis, he was too engrossed. This hosiery hound would never lose the scent.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Being an aficionado for so long, Uncle Randy knows the ins and outs of the feminine undergarment business. He can spot a run in your lining before you even open the package. If he doesn’t completely terrify you, he can be a terrific asset. As long as you can tolerate a man with rabid post-nasal drip.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Shoot first, ask questions later!” Randy barks to the photographer on set. Silk linens in the background, Uncle Randy in the sun. The latest catalogue of women’s underwear looks fantastic on Randy. He’s carefully groomed his leg hairs so they don’t protrude through the sheer garments. He has thought of everything. <i>Uncle Randy is a <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/88/Tony_Dungy_award_cropped.jpg" target="_blank">professional</a>.</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Like his last eleven periodicals, Randy has knocked this one out of the park, and his fringe audience will surely be pleased.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“All in a day’s work,” Randy concedes...</span></div>
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When he really meant to say “All in a life’s work.”<span class="s1"></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><i>Need more Interior Dude Content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/twid-on-twitter.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://www.printfection.com/thisweekindude/TWID-Tees/_s_427436" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2013/02/dude-or-not-dude-february-edition.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i></span><br />
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<span class="s1">Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></span></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-78452461768003386722014-12-12T13:20:00.002-05:002015-07-11T12:05:07.698-04:00How Much Denim is Appropriate for the Holidays?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-__H5_TQVLw4/VIsvsICcy9I/AAAAAAAACig/mmfv_6yQPn8/s1600/Too_Much_Denim.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="385" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-__H5_TQVLw4/VIsvsICcy9I/AAAAAAAACig/mmfv_6yQPn8/s1600/Too_Much_Denim.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This December, Double Down on Denim<br />
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/33217055@N00/" style="text-align: left;" target="_blank">source</a></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">I’ve had enough crotch-crimping mornings waking up in blue jeans to know that denim does not bust the charts in premier pajama material. But outside of this very <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/twid-on-twitter.html" target="_blank">small sliver of preference</a>, this textile is a GOD. It’s durable, it’s casual, and to me, it’s incredibly fashionable — especially for the Holidays. Regardless of which ones you celebrate, observe, or admonish equally with your jaded Uncle Billy.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">So while you’re slowly drinking the sugary egg nectar known as “Nog,” take a moment to look down below your torso. What type of textile is trimming your thighs? Is it denim? Are you a guy? Then that’s okay. And if you’re a lady, wearing denim below the waist is perfectly okay, too.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The ghosts of Levi, Strauss, and Sears-Roebuck smile upon anyone that still wears blue jeans and her derivatives frequently. Between apple pie, french fries, and Kardashian nudes, blue jeans have ascended into American royalty. I realize this isn’t a Monarchy, but <a href="http://www.fashionbeans.com/2013/how-to-wear-double-denim/" target="_blank"><b>denim is king</b></a>. Not too long ago, many of us even wore denim <i>above the waist</i>, and many of our Northern neighbors <i>still do</i>. That’s right, I’m talking about <i>Canada</i>.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Canada is a country that believes in socialized medicine and wearing denim as if it were chic medieval armor. The Canucks drink their <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWohhABEzJQ" target="_blank">milk out of bags</a> and look damn good while doing it. And although it’s called a <i>jacquet</i>, their ‘jacket’ is still jacked with denim.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">BUT… </span></div>
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<span class="s1">A.) how much denim is too much denim? </span></div>
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<span class="s1">HA-HA don’t make me chortle! There is NO SUCH THING as TOO MUCH DENIM.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">and B.) is there such a thing as <i>too much denim</i>?</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><i>Didn’t I just answer that?</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">DO YOU NEED A GERMAN MERMAID TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU?!?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Oh wow. Sorry for getting toasty in the trousers. It’s just when you get passionate about something, you know? Anyway, for those of you “Visual Learners” that fail to see my point, here’s a quick denim deployment guide to get you through <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-miracle-on-mustache-street.html" target="_blank">the whimsical belief-paste</a> that is the Holidays:</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b> DENIM ENSEMBLE APPROPRIATENESS</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"> Just a pair ‘o’ jeans<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> <span class="Apple-tab-span"></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span><span class="Apple-tab-span"></span>OK</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> One pair jeans, one denim vest<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> Satisfactory</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> Just a denim vest<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> What about your legs?</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> One denim jacket<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> If you’re also chain-smoking, it should suffice</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> Denim jacket plus denim vest<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> Which two of your cousins are getting married?</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> Pair ‘o’ jeans, one denim jacket, <span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span> FUCKING STELLAR</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> one denim vest</span></div>
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<span class="s1"> Pair ‘o’ jeans, one denim jacket, </span></div>
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<span class="s1"> one denim vest, </span>AND a denim hat You just ruined it. Burn the hat. </div>
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<i>Need more Denimy Dude Content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/01/dude-or-not-dude.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/jaromir-jager.html" target="_blank">This</a>? Or... <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjJ_sRDrZ-U" target="_blank">This</a>.</i><br />
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Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-30943754764490774942014-10-30T12:25:00.000-04:002014-10-31T21:53:43.857-04:005 F*ck Yeah Moments from The Walking Dead - Season 5 (Already)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RGxf2S5b-LU/VFJkvDQienI/AAAAAAAACg4/euFiHG3-C8w/s1600/Daryl_002.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RGxf2S5b-LU/VFJkvDQienI/AAAAAAAACg4/euFiHG3-C8w/s1600/Daryl_002.jpg" height="640" width="426" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/92390205@N06/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Walking Dead isn’t even a quarter of the way through season 5, yet the rejuvenation of this series has been so so sweet. So far, there have been five key moments that have made me hop off the couch and positively interject loud obscenities using all of my available testosterone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">***WARNING: WALKERS, CANNIBALS, AND SPOILERS AHEAD***</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here are those 5 moments, in possibly chronological order:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">1. Carol obliterates a propane tank</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All you really need is a bottle rocket and a sniper rifle… oh yeah, and it would behoove you to immerse yourself in <a href="http://bloody-disgusting.com/reviews/3317007/tv-review-walking-dead-episode-5-1-sanctuary/" target="_blank">Zombie guts</a>. Talk about intestinal fortitude! Okay, that was awful. On to the next Fuck Yeah! moment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">2. Rick kills two butchers with kindling</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Terminians did “screw” with the wrong people, and yes, thank you for keeping the language <a href="http://hollywoodlife.com/2014/10/26/the-walking-dead-rick-kills-gareth-episode-3-review/" target="_blank">PG</a> while upping the ante on the manslaughter and gore, Walking Dead. Yeah, Rick made his point, and it certainly was awesome when he bull-rushed and eliminated the two butchers at the slaughter trough with just an old shard of wood. When those two drones got what was coming to them, Rick officially reminded all of us that you just don’t “screw” with him — let alone his former walkie-talkie pal, <a href="http://www.amctv.com/the-walking-dead/videos/the-walking-dead-talked-about-scene-atlanta-is-full-of-zombies" target="_blank">Glen</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">3. Tyreese defeats several walkers off screen, bull-rushes Martin and obliterates his left orbital</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Tyreese is a polite man inside a cabin, and an absolute nightmare to the undead outside of one. In this moment in season 5, episode 1, all you hear are maniacal screams, pounding against the north wall of the cabin, and then silence…. and then another bull rush! Apparently bull-rushing must’ve tested off the charts among Walking Dead focus groups.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">4. The reverse ambush at the Episcopal church</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Not to say I understand how to read Tarot cards or anything, but did anyone else think <a href="http://screencrush.com/the-walking-dead-season-5-gareth-andrew-j-west-interview/" target="_blank">Gareth</a> was “taking a little too long” with the premeditated murder preamble in the church? Although I’m glad Rick blew his fingers off, I began to get worried for Carl, the baby, and the fact that Tyreese was about to do something idiotically diplomatic. Thank Kirkman that the good guys re-arrived when they did, and that Rick beat Gareth to the revenge kills. Which leads me to F-yeah! Moment number 5…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">5. Rick prophetically kills Gareth with a red-handled machete</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><em style="box-sizing: border-box;">“…and there’s a machete with a red handle… that’s what I’m gonna use to kill you” </em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">- Rick explaining to Gareth the contents of the “bag in the woods.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Rick may have gone overboard, or this may have been the necessary punishment when dealing with an apocalyptic-chic cannibal. Because Gareth did slow-roast Bob’s leg after all. When Gareth begged for mercy, it nearly appeared that Rick was gonna let him live — but then he remembered that <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/tv_club/features/2012/the_walking_dead_season_3_recaps/week_15/the_walking_dead_recap_merle_dixon_was_a_detestable_character_i_will_miss.html" target="_blank">Merle Dixon</a> stole his last pair of handcuffs, and this made Rick get real dark, real fast. Delivering an inhumane slaughter that only a twisted hipster like Gareth could ironically appreciate.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Need more undead Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-man-in-zubaz-pants.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-ghost-of-chuck-knoblauch.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or.... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/dunlop-guy.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i></span></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-7582828185030868312014-10-24T11:00:00.000-04:002015-01-20T15:14:03.370-05:00All Your Friends Were Already NBA Players<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wWRrQINQjlU/VEmKrItjn2I/AAAAAAAACgg/XvXGfx7xyFM/s1600/NBA_004.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wWRrQINQjlU/VEmKrItjn2I/AAAAAAAACgg/XvXGfx7xyFM/s1600/NBA_004.jpg" height="578" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/nico_/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span class="s1">For the sake of argument, let’s say that we all have friends. And let’s say we all have a “big group” of friends. We go to bars together, hike together, attend each others parties, and even combine athletic prowesses in the peerless pursuit of recreational organized sport. None of this is startling. What is startling is that <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/236-things-far-better-than-arguing.html" target="_blank">among every group</a>, everyone is some type of NBA player.</span><br />
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<span class="s1">Here are the analogous possibilities:</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Magic Johnson, John Stockton, and Chris Paul</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">In groups, these guys make their friends look better by accentuating their positives, and deflecting credit from themselves. They set you up with great women (or men), make every joke you tell a factor-of-10 funnier, and somehow empty you of all envy you figured you should be feeling towards them. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Carmelo Anthony, Stephon Marbury, and J.R. Smith</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">These guys are the “<a href="http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1213633-dwight-howard-and-the-10-most-notorious-me-first-nba-players" target="_blank">Ballstoppers</a>” or in non-NBA jargon: “Cockblocks.” The attention focuses on them, always. When commenting on other friends, they either say nothing positive, or provide a back-handed compliment. Every action in their life is dictated by an ulterior motive, and once you get past their flash, they become “Oh Shit” people. As in when you see them from a distance, your first reaction is to say “Oh Shit. Not this asshole.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>LeBron James</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b></b></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">You hate him. You love him. You hate him again. You love him and then can’t even remember why you hated him. He has a job that puts him on rotation, leaving the area just when he was starting to get on your nerves. He seems like a great guy and he dresses nice, but he rubs you the wrong way. Then he’s gone. Off the grid for a couple years. Then you miss hanging out with him. Then he’s back. And you get pumped! You love him again. Then he cheaps out on a round of <a href="http://www.brobible.com/life/article/things-didnt-know-fireball/" target="_blank">Fireball</a>. What an asshole!</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Chris Mullin</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">These guys are fucking tough. And they will stick up for you. Willing to get a felony for having your back in a bar fight you started! Someone talking shit about you? Not on their watch! This guy has your back until you have no back. He’s the first one to your birthday party and the last one to leave your funeral. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Allen Iverson and Michael Jordan</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">He’ll fuck your girlfriend, he’ll fuck your mom, he’ll fuck your dad. This man is as tenacious as he is ruthless. He’s the only person your <a href="http://www.latimes.com/business/realestate/hot-property/la-fi-hotprop-chris-mullin-condo-20140807-story.html" target="_blank">Chris Mullin</a> friend is scared of. And for all of these terrible things and more, nobody can <i>get enough of him</i>. He’s loved, adored, and everyone that has a daughter wants their daughter to date him. He’s had enough to drink when you can’t stand anymore. Never issue this guy a challenge, he’ll always accept it, and he’ll eventually reduce you to nothing.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Rajon Rondo</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">An absolute loner. The cool, yet disturbed James Dean of your friend group. He’s always underestimated and comes up big when you least expect it at trivia. <i>How the hell did he know that?</i> Who the hell knows…</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>David Robinson</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b></b></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">The great looking, quiet guy of the group. Try to find one person that doesn’t think favorably of him.. <i>it’s impossible</i>.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Chauncey Billups</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Confident. Reserved. And then at the perfect moment, says the most enlightening, funny, or earth-shattering thing you’ve ever heard, or does the most clutch thing you’ve ever seen — shortly thereafter exponentially accruing high-fives. Just don’t slap him on the ass though.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Dwayne Wade</b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">The best dresser of the group. Has WAYYYY more girlfriends than guy-friends. His one-bedroom apartment makes your house look like shit. And you will never be as <a href="http://globalgrind.com/2013/05/14/reasons-dwyane-wade-can-wear-anything-he-wants-photos/" target="_blank">trendy</a> or relevant as him. All of which is disheartening until you realize he’s such a good friend and a good dude — and always smells like Dove Men + Care.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Kevin Durant</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Perpetually 20 years old. Extremely affable. The slightly-more-approachable version of David Robinson. Wears backpacks into beach bars. Need a cool goofy guy? This is him.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Jason Kidd</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">One minute he’s ordering an Über for you and the fellas, the next minute he’s snorting molly off a strange woman’s side-boob. He’s fun to be around… sometimes, but he’s just so damn self-destructive you have to keep your guard up. Whenever he’s in a serious relationship, his partner joins him and augments the downward spiral of drama that is “every weekend.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Steph Curry</b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Popping bottles all the time. Not the best looking guy of the group, but always escorting beautiful women. Why? Because he takes the long shot, and 44% of the time, he drains it.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Steve Kerr</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">He’s a short, unassuming, average-looking guy. Nice, smart, and smells appropriate. But he’s weirdly proficient in an obscure field. Whether he’s a phenomenal writer, a secretly renown college professor with a high rating on feedback blogs, or just devastating at Skee-Ball, you know there’s a very good reason to keep him around.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kurt Rambis</b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">This is your hipster/nerd friend. He’s got a <a href="http://www.realclearsports.com/lists/hairstyles/rollie_fingers.html" target="_blank">mustache</a>, he’s got big glasses, and he uses odd antiquated slang like “Ouch… that smarts!” But he’s a true friend when you need someone down low, or you need someone to keep your Chris Mullin contained. Also without him, your group just doesn’t have the same energy.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Kendrick Perkins</b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b></b></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">He is the most injury prone of your friends. And this is probably because he has a feminine pelvic angle — which wreaks havoc on his knees.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><b>Dikembe Mutombo</b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br />
<span class="s1"></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">He appears friendly, except he disagrees with everything. You make a point, he refutes it. You propose a plan, he violently shoots it down. You say “excuse me” he says “No.” This is the Dikembe Mutombo.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Need more sport-saturated Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-ghost-of-chuck-knoblauch.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">This</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/3-2-1-redzone.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-45957826433042966962014-10-18T18:48:00.002-04:002015-07-11T12:06:07.284-04:0015 Death Hacks that will Change Your World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cj13sWpwKMs/VELsX6kl9EI/AAAAAAAACf8/ZQ3jxE_RVdI/s1600/Tiger_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="446" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cj13sWpwKMs/VELsX6kl9EI/AAAAAAAACf8/ZQ3jxE_RVdI/s1600/Tiger_001.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/9535341@N04/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What is with all of these “<b>lifehacks</b>” I keep hearing about? <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">Save time on this. Save money on that. Build this wonderful thing out of just a sponge and a clothespin.</em> Can’t we just leave the MacGyvering to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNl9M5TxGC8" target="_blank"><b>MacGyver</b></a> and be done with it?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It all sounds like a scam to me. An easy life does not build character! A yin is nothing without a yang. Sometimes doing the right thing takes MORE time. And sometimes you’ve gotta go against the grain and be contrarian. I mean, is life something you really want to “hack,” anyway?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For all these reasons and because I don’t need to learn how to better enjoy eating my yogurt, I’ve devised this list of opposing circuitous “longcuts,” AKA “<b>death-hacks</b>.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">1. How To Smell Better!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Many ancient civilizations have known for eons that soap, shampoo, and pleasant aromas are NOT the answer. All animals on this earth are attracted to pheromones. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “what’s a pheromone?” A pheromone is a pungent mixture of vinegar and cottage cheese. To make this erotic concoction, just strain the milky fluid found in the cottage cheese 3-7 weeks after its expiration date. Mix it with just enough vinegar to prime your gag reflex, and then apply to your neck, wrists, shoulders, and hair. Once you’ve coated yourself in these areas at least three times, prepare to be sexually encountered.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">2. How To Get A New Job, FAST!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I believe humans function at their best when their back is against the wall. We react to consequences and perform out of necessity. And this applies anywhere. Sick of your current job? Well, to really get your subconscious flowing, I suggest getting fired immediately. And what’s the quickest way to get fired? That’s right. A <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2014/10/13/a-massive-leak-of-private-snapchat-pics-and-an-era-when-even-disappearing-photos-can-reappear/" target="_blank">SnapChat</a> of your engorged genitalia. This is the best possible thing you can do with the most illuminating outcomes. Forward this snap to your boss, all of your coworkers, and definitely your cubicle mate. If you don’t end up getting fired, you’ll at least get suspended, which means you’ll get time off to explore jobs in new and exciting areas of the country. And if neither of this happens it can mean only two things: you don’t know how to correctly use a smartphone, or your boss deemed this lewd act as the kind of maverick attitude (s)he has always been looking for—skyrocketing you straight into a leadership position. Speaking of leadership…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">3. How To Be A Better Leader!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Being a leader is the opposite of being a follower. Instead of copying someone you admire, obliterate them verbally until they lose all self-esteem and have nothing left in life besides bowing to your every need. Exert better posture. Exude false self-confidence. And remember these three things: berate, berate, berate. Fight for what you don’t have with what you do have—terrible comebacks. If someone says your tie looks “a bit off,” tell them that their face is stupid. If someone pays you a compliment, repay them with a nasty one-liner such as “your face looks stupid.” Don’t be afraid to rely on this juvenile witticism again and again, because deep down, we all have a stupid face. Oh! And remember to wear glasses. Because these convey authority. You can pick up a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utu5SnO9PIg" target="_blank">stellar pair</a> at any drug store.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">4. How To Propose To Your Soulmate!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Even though it may be obvious that she’ll be leaving you pretty soon, don’t let that impact the display you have planned for her. You spent way too much at Party City to let her to ruin this for you, so just stick to the plan and follow through. When she gets overpowered by the first confetti cannon and swarmed by streamers, she’ll know just how dope to elope you are. Then when the second cannon goes off just as “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVf4_WglzWA" target="_blank">St. Elmo’s Fire</a>” begins buffering in the background, she’s gonna run from you. And this is exactly why you have Bryan Adams’s “Run To You” second in queue. Because that’s exactly what you have to do. Hopefully she didn’t run the 100-meter dash in high school, and hopefully you can pop the question mid-sprint.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">5. How To Donate Shoes!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">A. Find a big yellow box that <a href="http://www.davids-house.org/view.image?Id=724" target="_blank">says</a> “donate shoes here.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">B. Donate shoes there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">6. How to Turn Your Microwave into a Spaghetti Swampland!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is a lot easier than it sounds. Unless you thought that all you had to do was put a ton of spaghetti covered in sauce in the microwave and heat for infinity. Then it’s exactly what it sounded like. However, I like to put a unique twist on this death-hack and add a hot dog to the mix. Just toss that processed wiener onto the middle of the plate and sit back for the food fireworks. The explosive velocity from a radiated hot dog will intensely catalyze the tomato sauce in an effort to more thoroughly sludge the inside of your microwave. Leading to another death-hack success story…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">7. How To Be A Better Micro-Manager!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Feel like you’re just not “involved enough?” Do your bluntly honest friends constantly tell you how much of a micro-manager you are, yet you’re still getting the same disappointing results? Then this death-hack is for you! Welcome to the new concept of “Nano-Managing.” This is micro-managing to the third power, and it’s negative! Whatever you were doing before, do it with 1,000 times the intensity and “kill me now” annoyance! Immediately you’ll see workflow become a jerk show as you spend every minute at the office telling someone how to redo unbelievably frivolous tasks! You’ll overhear sentiments such as “Jesus Billy Ray Christ, he’s such a nano-manager!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">8. How To Light Cigarettes Better!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are many ways to light a cigarette besides using the traditional lighter or matchbook. Here are a few of my favorites:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">A. The Gas Stove Method.</span> Place a cigarette securely into clenched teeth. Set the oven to 475 (remember, paper does not combust until 451 Fahrenheit). Now you play the waiting game. Three times out of 10, just the cigarette will light up. And if you think about this success rate in terms of major league baseball, well then, you, sir, are a regular Wade Boggs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">B. The Bonfire Method.</span> Approach a roaring bonfire with your square and a stick. Place the butt of your cigarette onto the tip of your elongated stick as if docking a marshmallow for a s’more. Place the distal end of the cigarette into the blue flames at the bottom of the fire, and once you smell the sweet menthol flavoring, start sucking at the base of your stick. It will take some effort, but the nicotine will hit you around the same time the smoke inhalation does. And that my friends, is how you get high.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">C. The 1983 Thunderbird Method.</span> Approach a <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a9/Ford_Thunderbird_1983-1987_Aero_Bird-1.jpg" target="_blank">1983 Thunderbird</a> and ask its owner if you may “take a look around.” If they oddly oblige, hop into the passenger seat and feel along the Thunderbird’s ancient console for a cigarette lighter. A cigarette lighter is an alternating current attachment that people once used back in 1983. When you’ve located the lighter, depress it and wait for it to pop back out. (You should hear an audible click and possibly see some rust flakes and dead moth matter escape from the device’s circumference.) Place the really hot orange end of the lighter to the tip of your cigarette and hold until lit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">9. How To Drive Like An Asshole!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Change lanes without indicating. Honk your horn if the car in front of you has not responded to a green light in under 0.0004 seconds. Go 30MPH below the speed limit in the passing lane. Litter debris constantly. Merge slowly—tortoise-like if at all possible. Text while driving. Text while driving while talking on an auxiliary Bluetooth device. Text while driving while Bluetoothing while turning around to pet your Pomeranian while he’s sitting in the backseat, ensuring that your eyes are not on the road. Swerve violently to regain control of your vehicle. When lost, just stop in the middle of traffic until you can figure things out. Pay no mind to “right of way.” Never EVER check your blind spots. Align lane markings with the center of your chassis. And in addition, if you can remember that “STOP” stands for “Squeal Tires On Pavement,” you’ll be quite the asshole out there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">10. How To Sink To The Bottom Of Your Community Swimming Pool!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">You don’t need chains or cinderblocks for this handy death-hack. You just need to be willing to fight your body’s tendency to breathe. Once you get over this childish fear, you can really concentrate on reducing your buoyancy. Curl into the densest body-form possible—I suggest a lifeless cannonball pose—and harbor the experience of conforming to the bottom of the pool like a Neosporin-soaked Band-Aid.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">11. How to Quench Your Thirst After a Vigorous Bout of Exercisement!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All you need is a little lemon and a lot of coffee. The hotter, the better (I’m speaking of the coffee here). Place that hot coffee into your bottle (I’m assuming you already have callused palms) and add just a squirt of lemon juice to enhance the flavor. After you’ve finished your high-calorie, high-intensity sweat-sesh, you’ll be craving nothing else but hot coffee with a dash of citrus. Guzzle this elixir and notice how your throat goes from burnt to charred to throbbing scar tissue while still maintaining a sliver of lemony freshness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">12. How to Make Anyone Sound Like a Person That Never Reads!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hijack their vocabulary with non-words such as “totes, amazeballs, LOLZ, and Harry Styles.” Then, during the next Apple product launch, put them in line a week before release as if they’re some sort of awkward idiot. Pretty soon, between the lexicographical indoctrination and the time spent in queue, they won’t be able to comprehend any word in this sentence. And you will have earned a rose-colored anti-merit badge for “induced mental atrophy.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">13. How To Lose Weight Dangerously!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Have you ever worked out while wearing a trash bag? Well, then, there is no better time to start! Need to <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">cut weight</em>, <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">burn fat</em>, or <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">fit into that old prom dress</em>? No matter how appropriate or how sadly eccentric the reason, the best way to get your metabolism into a dangerous state of hyper-drive is to make it so that your body doesn’t have the resources to cool down. The best way to achieve this is by wearing a trash bag about your torso—keeping in mind to create a hole for your head and two more for your arms, which you can cover in smaller bags meant for office wastebaskets. Once your impermeable aerobic suit is constructed, pop three doses of ephedra and start moving vigorously. Do strenuous movements you wouldn’t even consider when wearing comfortable athletic clothes…in a trash bag. Feel yourself get really soggy as the pounds slough away. Feel yourself becoming a sweaty waif as you fight back the symptoms of heat stroke. Smile as your body suffocates. That’ll show that skinny bitch Debbie McPherson…<em style="box-sizing: border-box;">that’ll show her….</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This will require a lot of will power and a rudimentary knowledge of cheeses. From my personal experience, I’ve found <a href="http://www.sargento.com/our-brand/cheese-expertise/" target="_blank">Colby Jack</a> to be the most delicious colon occluder out there. However, you need to start with a clean slate before you can put up this rectal roadblock. I recommend doing a three-day cleanse, followed by three days of ardent cheese eating.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When the eVite says “BYOB,” this definitely includes a wide variety of dark liquors. To make sure you will be heaving before the guests are leaving, make sure to arrive drunk and to binge early. Your best bet is to unabashedly house any liquor that ends in “-ey.” It may also be best to pack an adult diaper.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Need more deadly Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-surly-sirloin-slasher.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/tasteless-erotic-tales.html" target="_blank">This</a>? Or.... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/yogi-berra-cat-assassin.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i></span><br />
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Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-23043579616323841292014-09-18T11:07:00.001-04:002015-07-11T12:06:37.006-04:0018 Reasons Why Peyton Manning's a Cyborg<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hB5NmU8ELkI/VBrz3AzcgUI/AAAAAAAACfY/TFyWZw9uzQ4/s1600/8384918316_8624bf1dc0_k.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="512" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hB5NmU8ELkI/VBrz3AzcgUI/AAAAAAAACfY/TFyWZw9uzQ4/s1600/8384918316_8624bf1dc0_k.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1">Ever since his second neck surgery -- and his prolific numbers following -- I've always been suspicious that <b>Peyton Manning</b> had become a government experiment in robotics. In fact, I have 18 VERY GOOD reasons as to why this is probably true:</span></div>
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<span class="s1">1. On the gridiron, he looks like a stoic field general. Meanwhile, out East, his brother Eli looks like an <a href="http://cbssports.com/images/blogs/eli-manning-hoboken-open-letter.jpg" target="_blank">inebriated Muppet</a>.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">2. He has limited mobility because his feet are actually plastic caster wheels</span></div>
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<span class="s1">3. He combines limited arm strength with unlimited infrared capability to target his receivers. He then mentally computes their future positions based on a derivative of their velocity and fires a pass according to the <a href="http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/2014-nfl-preview-the-broncos-versus-the-hopefuls/" target="_blank">highest probability of success</a>. This is textbook cyborg.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">4. He has fused vertebrae</span></div>
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<span class="s1">5. He and Tony Dungy have a long standing pact and secret coup for world domination. Tony Dungy wants to take over the world for religious purposes, Peyton Manning wants to take over the world for world domination purposes.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">6. He’s way too cerebral and calculated to just be a “normal guy.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">7. He has an ‘o’ a ‘g’ and a ‘y’ in his name. You know what else does? CYBORG</span></div>
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<span class="s1">8. He decided to play on a team that plays at high altitude, that way he can reduce the wear and tear on his pressurized exoskeleton.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">9. Peyton Manning <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfetpMHkkE0" target="_blank">advertises</a> for DirecTV because he too is controlled by a satellite dish.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">10. “Omaha” is actually the government codename given the CPU which governs him. He howls it whenever encountering a stack overflow at line zero.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">11. He doesn’t buy his own groceries. This is because the wavelength of UPC scanners liquefies his stool.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">12. When he’s in the pocket, time slows down. This is because of the state of the art potentiometer affixed to his servo motor.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">13. His memory was once thought to be photographic, when in fact it’s purely read only.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">14. He has significantly less muscle mass than your average NFL QB, thus allowing his titanium core to maintain its integrity when exposed to extreme temperatures.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">15. He doesn’t “study” playbooks, he uploads them.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">16. He has no sense of smell.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">17. The lemon-lime sports drink he consumes on the sidelines is actually low-viscosity engine coolant.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">18. The reason he lost last year’s super bowl is because <a href="http://deadspin.com/pete-carroll-is-the-future-1516503516" target="_blank"><b>Pete Carroll</b></a> sent him game film loaded with malware.</span></div>
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Need more <i>Sporty Dude Content</i>? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/3-2-1-redzone.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-ghost-of-chuck-knoblauch.html" target="_blank">This</a>.<br />
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Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-11361839976464020042014-09-03T14:40:00.002-04:002015-07-11T12:07:20.339-04:00Sex With The Dolphins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pn8_Mp7YeA0/VAdfK4LxENI/AAAAAAAACe0/2R9ZdlSNaCA/s1600/Dolphin001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="452" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Pn8_Mp7YeA0/VAdfK4LxENI/AAAAAAAACe0/2R9ZdlSNaCA/s1600/Dolphin001.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/skipbro/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span class="s1">There are three certainties in life: Death. Taxes. And <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/10/tasteless-erotic-tales-claro-que-si.html" target="_blank">pleasurable sex</a> to be had by <b>dolphins</b>.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">For years the modern man has been fascinated by the Dolphin’s <a href="http://www.dolphincommunicationproject.org/component/content/article/842-science-spotlight/1145-top-5-dolphin-myths-dispelled.html" target="_blank">purported ability</a> to have sex for pleasure. And although this hypothesis is hotly debated, I contest that we have not been asking the right question. Like the typical millennials most of us are, we’ve been selfishly thinking only of ourselves. And we’ve put all the <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-man-in-zubaz-pants.html" target="_blank">pleasure emphasis</a> into the sex act itself, having not even considered dolphin foreplay.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a>If you were ever to partake in Man on Dolphin, or Woman on Dolphin, or Man on Dolphin on Dolphin (a cross-mammalian three way), you’d probably go about it all wrong.<br />
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<span class="s1">“No dude, stop that. Rubbing my blow hole doesn’t get me in the mood… Dude, that’s how I get my air… Dude…STOP! I can’t breathe Dude… DUDE! STOP!!! (unintelligible seawater gargling)”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">A dolphin’s blow hole is an exit-only hole, Bro. And it’s really nothing like a mouth or vagina or tidy anus at all. It’s actually much closer to that of <a href="http://www.urantiansojourn.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/JobbaTheRush.jpg" target="_blank"><b>Rush Limbaugh’s</b></a> mouth hole, serving only to expel balmy CO2 and slippery, salty fluids. Now would you want to have sex with Rush Limbaugh’s mouth hole? Even if it was comfortably warm and lubricated by pig lard? Probably not.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Besides the fact that a dolphin’s blow hole could completely eviscerate your penis, keep in mind that your average dolphin also weighs 350 lbs. and can reach <a href="http://www.elasmo-research.org/education/topics/r_haulin'_bass.htm" target="_blank">burst speeds</a> of 20 miles per hour. A mammal that’s both friendly and sexually appealing, yet so unbridled and dangerous.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Perhaps you’re ready to learn some fundamentals, now?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">First off, dolphins can smell your fear. So logically, you need to reduce the output of your adrenal glands. The best way to go about this is to get annihilated. Start with liquor, then turn to beer to maintain your BAC at a sense-depriving level hovering in the 0.20s. Bring a breathalyzer (they’re like only 70 bucks on eBay), and test frequently. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Also, the environment a dolphin typically lives in (i.e. water) is usually cold. And this can have a somewhat negative doppler effect on your external sex organs. If you’re gonna “do a dolphin right,” you’ll need to be savvy. And a good way to be savvy is to adhere multiple toe warmers to your penis. Skiers have long been known to use <a href="http://www.amazon.com/HotHands-Toe-Warmers-40-pairs/dp/B0007ZF4PE" target="_blank">toe warmers</a> to keep even the daintiest extremities insulated against the elements. And now, so do you. The warmth provided will not only encourage blood flow, but also multiple and massive full-on erections because you’ll be supplementing with convenience store boner pills. Anything from 7-11 that claims to boost “size” or “hardness” or “a maniacal desire to hump dolphins” will do.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Now here’s the rub. Since acquiring a trained dolphin to exploit sexually is virtually impossible (thanks, Obama), you’ll need to find a wild specimen out in the ocean. But to find a dolphin, you must first think like one. An attractive one. That’s why you must canvas yourself in mackerel. Dead, alive, it don’t matter. A dolphin will do anything (and I mean anything) for <a href="http://www.app.com/story/sports/outdoors/fishing/hook-line-and-sinker/2014/08/07/chub-mackerel-bonito-blues-fuel-inshore-fishing/13742835/" target="_blank">mackerel</a>. Just remember to not get these bait fish too close to the toe warmers taped to your penis, because dolphins prefer their food raw. Also note that you’ll be appetizing to all of the horrifically dangerous sea predators out there. So play a little defense.</span><br />
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Once you have all of your proper effects installed, it’s time to get in. And now that you’re in, you’re drunk, and you’re covered in shark bait as chemicals continue to irreversibly scald your penis… I hope you drown, you sick bastard. Who in their right mind would ever have sex with a dolphin? Besides Chevy Chase?!? If there is a hell, I hope you and all those other dolphin-fuckers go straight to the VIP section.<br />
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You disgust me.</div>
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<span class="s1"><i>Need more depraved Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/hes-mustache-machine.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-dark-side-of-duluth.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/236-things-far-better-than-arguing.html" target="_blank">This</a>?</i></span><br />
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<span class="s1">Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></span></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-72667343540480829722014-08-27T11:59:00.001-04:002015-07-11T12:08:48.004-04:00The Magic of Fantasy Football<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wz-cBWUlQkY/U_4AMEfaU-I/AAAAAAAACdk/ODTpBaodI9Y/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2014-08-27%2Bat%2B11.57.57%2BAM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="366" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Wz-cBWUlQkY/U_4AMEfaU-I/AAAAAAAACdk/ODTpBaodI9Y/s1600/Screen%2BShot%2B2014-08-27%2Bat%2B11.57.57%2BAM.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1">You get a sixer of beer and a four pack of Redbull. You head down to the “war room” — whether it be a buddy’s place, or a “home office” you hastily created between your TV and a dying house plant. You peel the seal on the cheese dip and open a bag of chips. The warm smell of dormant potato air breezes by. You flip open your Hewlett Packard laptop, grab your pre-ranking print-outs AND IT IS ON.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This is <b>Fantasy Football</b> Baby! And there is nothing like it. It’s as exciting as March Madness, with the totality of war. It meshes so perfect with life that it’s appalling. It’s like <b>Aikman to Irvin</b>. <b>Montana to Rice</b>. <b>Young to Rice</b>. <a href="http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-network-top-ten/09000d5d8074cbc0/Top-Ten-Nicknames-Greatest-Show-on-Turf" target="_blank"><b>Warner to Ricky Proehl</b></a>. A perfect union of winners and losers, sinners and saints, Chargers and Rams. </span></div>
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I can’t think of anything so absolutely ideal for our current state of technology. You could be riding around on a miniature horse in South Dakota and still pick up a kicker in the 12th round from your phablet. This is a pastime that passes the time anywhere. A power-hobby that has become more aligned with Americana than heart disease and baseball.</div>
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<span class="s1">And in case you haven’t noticed this, Fantasy Football is the greatest circumvention in the history of degenerate gambling. Your commissioner could say “yeah, entry fee is $600” and you’d somehow come up with the money. Because this is our <a href="http://fathersworkandfamily.com/2013/08/30/calling-a-time-out-on-fantasy-football/" target="_blank">main Fall activity</a>, and we do it for keeps. This “activity” has also turned us into insufferable geeky stat heads that post our draft results to Facebook as if anyone gives a shit. It turns us into fiends that neglect our significant others and forget to call our mothers from September to January. Staying up late on Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays compulsively refreshing our scoreboards — even though they now do this automatically.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Who’s injured? Who’s out? Who’s questionable? Who’s probable? Who’s questionably probable? Does Smitty have the latest injury report? Or is he gonna pick up Sam Bradford again? Idiot!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The combination of instant gratification and illusion of power is what makes Fantasy Football the cyber-heroin that it is. You are <a href="http://www.danreeves.co/" target="_blank">the coach</a>, the GM, and the cheerleader. You get hard on your players when they don’t produce, and exalt them when they score garbage-time touchdowns — allowing you to shit up your league’s message board just seconds later. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">As of this paragraph, you’re in 6 leagues and know more about Arian Foster than <b>Arian Foster</b> knows about Arian Foster. You’re thinking about what the weather will be like in Seattle 7 weeks from now. You know players tendencies, their absolutes, and the dressing they put on their salad. Just imagine if you applied yourself to nuclear medicine. Your contribution to science would be astounding… until <a href="http://espn.go.com/nfl/player/_/id/14912/alshon-jeffery" target="_blank"><b>Alshon Jeffery</b></a> drops a wide-open touchdown pass. Then you’d lose your mind and burn the world.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This is the magic of Fantasy Football.</span><br />
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<span class="s1"><i>Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/jerry2landry" target="_blank"><b>Twitter</b></a> and <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sandalsandtubesocks" target="_blank"><b>Tumblr</b></a></i></span></div>
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-33063637027640522722014-08-12T21:40:00.000-04:002014-09-18T11:58:24.386-04:00I Want to Start a Mandolin Rock Band<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I892ew-hjWg/U-q_k2r2xjI/AAAAAAAACdU/TQkc334RbMI/s1600/Mandolin001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-I892ew-hjWg/U-q_k2r2xjI/AAAAAAAACdU/TQkc334RbMI/s1600/Mandolin001.jpg" height="480" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/magnuscanis/">source</a></div>
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<span class="s1">My first idea was to troll a thrift store in the dead of winter, playing my Mandolin in a downtrodden Russian tone.</span></div>
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<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">But then another brilliant idea juiced my brain… what if I become a Mandolin Rock Star?!? How many popular Mandolin acts are out there? It can't be that hard. And would I have to keep capitalizing the ‘m’ in Mandolin?</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">As is the habit with most <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1dfyVdr5HQ" target="_blank">amazing musicians</a>, I created a track listing before composing any music. Here’s what’s set to appear on my first album, <i>The Ballad of Todd: </i></span></div>
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<a name='more'></a></div>
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<span class="s1">1.) SUCK MY DISCO</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">2.) The Ballad of Todd</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">3.) Electronic Dance Mandolin</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">B-SIDE</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">1.) Fastidious Narwhal </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">2.) Mountain Fever</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">Like most compact discs, this will have 3 songs on the front, and 2 on the back. And it will be a breakout success.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">I’m ready to make a splash. I’m ready to put myself out there. I totally think I can hack the fame. I have <a href="http://www.sportingnews.com/mlb/story/2014-06-09/bobby-valentine-fake-mustache-glasses-video-new-york-mets" target="_blank">spare costumes</a> if I need to escape the paparazzi.</span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
SUCK MY DISCO should go viral before we launch the album. And this will make it pretty easy to move some copies. We’ll be the only transcendent mandolin act around, so we’ll have the market cornered and get rich like huge. </div>
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-21722257742124540002014-07-23T13:24:00.000-04:002014-08-14T14:59:16.297-04:00Goodbye Old Friend: An Open Letter To Khaki Shorts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ofJKFAnWFLc/U8_vdLJqSmI/AAAAAAAACb0/IkwmQBGv0C4/s1600/Khaki_Shorts001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ofJKFAnWFLc/U8_vdLJqSmI/AAAAAAAACb0/IkwmQBGv0C4/s1600/Khaki_Shorts001.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/30885527@N08/" target="_blank">source</a></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Dear friend,</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Remember those casual parties we attended during the gentle days of Summer? Those cookouts? The golf scrambles? Those ballgames? Remember how orderly you made me look last Fourth of July on that rooftop? </span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Grand times, friend.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Sadly, change is coming. And it’s coming for you. You no longer give me <i><a href="http://www.iamalpham.com/index.php/topics/how-to-wear-colorful-pastel-shorts/" target="_blank">what they can</a></i>. Who are they? They are the vibrant class. The salmons, the teals, oranges, greens, royal blues and the pale yellows. The millennial generation of casual shortwear. </span><br />
<span class="s1"><br /></span>
<span class="s1"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span class="s1">It hurts me like a scabbard, but today I must abandon our alliance. You’ve had a phenomenal run. From wedding rehearsals, to cookouts, to sporting events you’ve clothed my legs creaseless and made me appear super-intelligent. But it’s 2014, and you project about as much <a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/jerry-landry/2014/07/the-average-guys-guide-to-lady-swooning/" target="_blank">intrigue</a> as a Creed live album. You’ve become the new olive drab. We’re in a world growing more dynamic by the minute, yet you remain colorless and mute. And that’s why I need to make the change.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">Don’t get me wrong, friend. I think you’re neat. And you make people think that I <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/books/shortcuts/2014/apr/16/five-perfect-books-men-who-never-read" target="_blank">read books</a>. But this isn’t an attack on your character. It’s the reinvention of mine. I need a spark that can only come from vivid twill. Casual shorts that reflect my casual personality, something that shows people that I can go beyond my own beige borders, slip into something tangerine, and totally kill it. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Trends come and go, live and die, evolve and dissipate. And sometimes they resurrect. Which is why I’m sure your noble body of work may rise as reference to revive you someday. But that someday is not now, and what I want now is to express myself throughout the spectrum.</span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">If we can clone a sheep and make a low-fat variety of mayonnaise, then I have no doubt that we can reimagine the khaki short. But until then I am retiring you in storage, alongside a dusty collection of Cargo pants. May they give you comfort in these isolated times, and possibly a slight ego boost knowing that at least you’re not them. </span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Because Cargo pants are never coming back.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
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<span class="s1">Sincerely,</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span><br /></div>
<br />
<div class="p1">
<span class="s1"><a href="http://www.pointsincase.com/user/5913" target="_blank">Jerry Landry</a></span></div>
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-54071671822041566162014-06-17T21:41:00.000-04:002015-01-29T00:06:04.721-05:00Mickey Mouse, Sr.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zk_hxdQTBPM/U6DovHO7afI/AAAAAAAACbM/xfOFLTD3UYg/s1600/Mickey_Mouse_SR.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zk_hxdQTBPM/U6DovHO7afI/AAAAAAAACbM/xfOFLTD3UYg/s1600/Mickey_Mouse_SR.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Minnie plods along behind her walker, mouse breasts bobbing between her wobbly legs.<br />
<br />
Goofy has been dead for 10 years now.<br />
<br />
Donald Duck is currently senile, worried about a <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/07/conservative-mental-hospital.html" target="_blank">Communist takeover</a>. Daisy cares for him, still beautiful, but significantly aged.<br />
<br />
Chip and Dale ran off together, haven't been heard from since the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfxIa-643zI" target="_blank">RR days</a>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/9/91/Peg-Leg_Pete.png/220px-Peg-Leg_Pete.png" target="_blank">Pete</a> died of a massive heart attack back in the early '70s.<br />
<br />
It's just Mickey and Minnie now, but a dark cloud hangs over their head.<br />
<br />
This is what Mickey knows. <i>He also knows about Minnie and Mortimer</i>. And this is what hurts him. This is why he tastes daggers of anxiety every now and again. Today he is 86 years old, his voice more creaky than squeaky, and today he needs to know why.<br />
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<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
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For 49 years Mickey has stayed aloof. For even longer he couldn't picture Minnie with a mouse other than him. But as death has become an imminent certainty, and since Mortimer punched his ticket long ago, Minnie is the only one left to confront.<br />
<br />
"Why did you screw <a href="http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Mortimer_Mouse" target="_blank">MORTIMER</a>?!?" Mickey asks Minnie, his youthful squeak returning.<br />
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"Hwhhaaaa?" Minnie replies, finishing another aimless circle with her walker.<br />
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"You know GOD DAMN WELL... M-O-R-T-..."<br />
<br />
Mickey shook his head in frustration, his trademark ears beginning to deform. But soon he calmed down.<br />
<br />
"Why did you do it, sweetheart? I just wanna know..."<br />
<br />
Minnie continued to play senile. Perhaps she was. She had begun fading in and out of clarity around 2010.<br />
<br />
"I'm not mad at you, hon... I just want to know before... you know.."<br />
<br />
"Before CARSON COMES ON?!?" Minnie asked in a confused, nasally voice.<br />
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"Yes hon, before Carson comes on."<br />
<br />
Suddenly Minnie's gaze tightened. Her shoulders squared with his, and she changed gears.<br />
<br />
"Because he was bad. THAT'S WHY! That's why every girl mouse gets with a rat... it's a thrill you'll never get with a 'reliable husband.' The baddest you've ever been was when you stubbed your toe plowing my garden. Unfortunately, it was a real-life garden... and not my hoo-di-hoo."<br />
<br />
Mickey could not believe this detailed answer. He sat still for a moment, distraught.<br />
<br />
"Is that what you wanted to hear?" Minnie asked.<br />
<br />
"Yes Dear."<br />
<br />
"Well, THERE YOU GO AGAIN! <i>Being nice </i>when I've been a total mouse-bitch to you."<br />
<br />
"Well it's no reason to get mad now.."<br />
<br />
"IT'S THE PERFECT REASON TO GET MAD! Great! Now I'M MAD!" Minnie became so flustered her brain didn't have a chance to go full-on 2nd-term Reagan.<br />
<br />
"We've been married for 84 years, and have had longer, healthier lives than any two field mice could ever expect" she continued, "but god dammit Mickey, <i>I've known that you've known,</i> and I've felt terrible hiding it. I'm at fault for this, but you have to understand how enabling you were."<br />
<br />
"ENABLING?" Mickey began to shift his torso. "I've been ENABLING?!?" Mickey stood up, it was as if he was 50 years younger. "While you were getting Mortimer's mouse glaze on your lips, I WAS SUPPORTING THIS FAMILY!"<br />
<br />
"There we go... hit me with some more!" Minnie said, relishing in her husband's anger.<br />
<br />
"All the while Donald knew. Pete knew. I knew. Shit! Even <i>Goofy knew</i>. You know what it's like for that freak dog-clown to have the inside scoop on your wife and her <i>secret lover</i>? YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"<br />
<br />
After that, Mickey began to show signs of remorse. But he remembered what Minnie said, and exchanged those for feelings of relief. He sighed, then smiled, and then hugged Minnie. Glad they finally had it out, and glad the burden was lifted. Minnie agreed, wishing it wouldn't have taken 74 years to confront the Dumbo in the room.<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
As the distress dissolved from Mickey's face, so did the guilt. And their life together ensued. Hand in hand, <i>they both got behind the walker</i>, shuffling into the sunset, a fairy tale couple once again.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">PHOTO CREDIT: <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 22px;">TEASSARE TS Rogers Illustration and Design</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 22px;"><i>Need more Demented Dude Content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.com/" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-coefficient-of-friction-of-pete.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">This</a></i></span></span><br />
<br />Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-81007005165806685452014-05-29T13:42:00.000-04:002014-08-14T15:00:13.307-04:00Sandals and Tube Socks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://lonerwolf.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/The_unfashionable_loner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://lonerwolf.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/The_unfashionable_loner.jpg" height="374" width="640" /></a></div>
<a href="http://lonerwolf.com/guide-to-loner-fashion/" target="_blank">source</a><br />
<br />
Wearing open-toed sandals with tube socks is not just a crude device of fashion, it's also a badge of identity. It says a lot about a man. And right now, this particular man has a lot to say. Although he will only be identified by his stocking-sandaled feet, we should all feel privileged that he'll be imparting his peculiar wisdom. Giving some inside takes directed to the hottest <a href="http://perezhilton.com/" target="_blank">fab topics</a> in today's <a href="http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/" target="_blank">pop-culture world</a> -- from a man with the lowest fashion denominator possible.<br />
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Welcome to the first installment of "Sandals and Tube Socks."<br />
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Here are his thoughts:<br />
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<b><u>SELFIES</u></b><br />
Why can't you have your wife get her Kodak out her fanny pack and take a picture of you like a normal person? And why do you need so many pictures of "just yourself?" FUN FACT: the last picture I took of myself was on accident, and when we developed the film we found it was an embarrassing upside-down photo of one of my nose gremlins. Haha YUCK!<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<b><u>GAME OF THRONES</u></b><br />
Armor is very important, take it from me. I always have my feet covered, even when I'm vacationing in <i>moderate-to-mild weather</i>. I think that's why I love this show. Even though they DO show a lot of nudity (no thank you, my wife's breasts do just fine... I love you DeLoris).<br />
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<b><u>THE TWITTER</u></b><br />
So I can type anything I want to anybody and it just "goes online?" And it's called the Twitter? I don't know if I trust this. It feels just like when my teenage son Randall got really into these "Pokey Man" and I had a hard time understanding why. But maybe I have to "get with it." Keep myself in touch with the youthful crowd. Ooh, I've got it! What about "sharing" my wife's goulash recipe? Could I post it there? No? The Twitter's not really good for sharing recipes?<br />
<br />
Well I guess her Habanero Hellfire Goulash <i>is</i> a little more "intricate" than "140 characters." It takes up THREE PAGES in our cookbook!<br />
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<b><u>FACEBOOK</u></b><br />
Now this is something I can get into. I post pictures of my grandchildren without them asking and post really personal acknowledgments to the walls of my friends all the time. I think Facebook is here to stay as long as I am. And the last time I checked, my HDL isn't going anywhere!<br />
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<b><u>VINE</u></b><br />
Although I'm a man of incredible self control, I do like to let loose and rip into a vine once in a while (remember, anything in moderation is O.K... except Paganism). These 6 second moving-pictures are kind of like a game my buddies and I used to play in high school. It was called 7 minutes in heaven. It's where you get one of your buddies and you... well you know the rest, I won't bore you with the details. But yeah, it really tells you something about your buddy!<br />
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<b><u>EMOJIS</u></b><br />
Until an accurate representation of my mustachioed smile can be placed inside my phone (or a good picture of potato salad), I will remain on the fence for this topic. Again, why can't we just smile to each other between our RV's on the campground? Is it too much to ask someone to get off their keester and say hello to their neighbor?<br />
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<b><u>SWAG</u></b><br />
Oh I've got swagger. I once kissed DeLoris on the lawn at an Alan Jackson concert. If you want to make the girls swoon, you need to get yourself some good swagger. You should also pick up a few quarts of moxie and a pound of gumption.<br />
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<b><u>MATCH.COM</u></b><br />
I met DeLoris when I was a civil engineer back in Minnesota. But I guess not all guys can be as good with the females as I once was. Sometimes love is hard to find. But sometimes you just need to shift your focus to starting a family, and using sex only for procreation. That's when your senses will finally be heightened enough to get a good whiff of maternal instincts. Maternal instincts that will be gushing out of your soulmate if you're looking in the right places. The kind of tender love odor you just can't sniff out on the World Wide Web.<br />
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<b><u>TINDER</u></b><br />
I was on Tinder a bit just for goofs, and I must say, women still prefer the mustache.<br />
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<br />
<i>Need more Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-coefficient-of-friction-of-pete.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/01/dude-or-not-dude.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">This</a></i>Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-65603113064740086132014-05-19T18:42:00.000-04:002014-08-14T15:00:42.065-04:00What Kind of People Would Cheese Be?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://farm7.staticflickr.com/6167/6223955223_8ee54a31d2_b_d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="446" src="https://farm7.staticflickr.com/6167/6223955223_8ee54a31d2_b_d.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/richardmorais/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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Put your collective minds at ease, Dudes. The thought that has pushed your <a href="http://faculty.washington.edu/chudler/bbb.html" target="_blank">blood-brain-barrier</a> to the brink of aneurysm will finally be heard.<br />
<br />
Q: <i>What kind of people would cheese be?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
A:<br />
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<b>Cheddar</b> - hard working, industrious, a blue collar that backs down to nobody. More American than American cheese, and god damn proud of it!<br />
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<b>Gouda</b> - seems like a decent dude, but there's something a little off. Not known to be very sexually attractive. Honorable but for some reason not noble. When you figure out what it is, you've turned your attention to hanging out with other cheeses.<br />
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<b>Provolone </b>- only seems funny because he steals everyones jokes. What he brings to the table <i>is already there</i>.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<b>Muenster</b> - he's trying this "duality thing" but he's a fake just like provolone. And when he's sliced thin enough, we can't even tell the difference.<br />
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<b>American</b> - not sure if he's worth such a great country's namesake. Pretty sure he's made from carcinogenic plastic. Wears campus bookstore t-shirts.<br />
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<b>Swiss</b> - definitely not neutral on taste, and quite the argumentative fellow. But usually his logic is flawed since his arguments are filled with holes.<br />
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<b>White American</b> - neat freak. Went to Vanderbilt. Can't stand to have one hair out of place. Hates people that work with their hands. But otherwise a really nice person who's worth getting to know.<br />
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<b>Brie</b> - relatively easy-going for a rich dude. Drives a Saab. Wears argyle everywhere.<br />
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<b>Asiago</b> - a bit pretentious since he merely drives a Nissan Altima. But otherwise, not a bad dude. He's got a ton of friends, and loves bagels.<br />
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<b>Blue</b> - rubs certain people the wrong way through no fault of his own. He likes football, baseball, UFC, dry rub wings, and mass amounts of pilsner. The people that like him genuinely appreciate him. They've got his back, and he's got theirs -- not afraid to fight dirty when a friend's about to get pummeled by a bouncer.<br />
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<b>Parmesan</b> - Sometimes you barely notice he is there. Quiet, meek, but willing to do anything if you ask -- Parmesan is one of your good-natured, non-obnoxious acquaintances.<br />
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<b>Gruyere</b> - He's always experiencing intestinal discomfort, the poor fella. He's an okay guy, but usually a dickish grump because of his ceaseless GI turmoil.<br />
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<b>Colby Jack</b> - the most pragmatic of the cheeses. Gets his compassion from his mother, Colby. Gets his spontaneity from his father, Monterey Jack.<br />
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<b>Mozzarella </b>- has an Italian accent even thicker than Parmesan. Great with patchwork.<br />
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<b>Pepper Jack</b> - this guy is always a wild card. He's probably at the end of the bar drinking a hard nightcap, with a witty remark in holster ready to draw during an ice breaker. What he says usually gets taken the wrong way.<br />
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<b>Havarti</b> - Exotic. Well-behaved. Nice dresser. Dirty dancer.<br />
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<br />
And that's the tale of 16 cheeses -- if they were people. And if they followed the stereotypical guidelines I just made up... for Cheese People.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Need more Dude content? How about this <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-man-in-zubaz-pants.html" target="_blank">slice</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/01/dude-or-not-dude.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/dunlop-guy.html" target="_blank">This</a><br />
<br />Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-21354604335924498082014-05-07T00:10:00.000-04:002015-10-16T11:23:08.058-04:00Would You Rather?<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/42/112972434_b6f109baa0_z.jpg?zz=1" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://farm1.staticflickr.com/42/112972434_b6f109baa0_z.jpg?zz=1" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/kanaka/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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A hypothetical game that is older than the sands of Joan Rivers' vagina, <i>Would You Rather</i> pits the incredibly disgusting against the extremely unpleasant. What I've done, is further this hypothetical from a <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-thread-dedicated-to-shred-twids-top.html" target="_blank">Dude</a> perspective. Taking a fun little game and turning it into a <i>bloodsport</i>.<br />
<br />
Feel free to turn this contribution below into several spirited debates of indecent philosophy.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> be able to obtain an erection only when your mom was watching? Or live in a world where every woman you were attracted to was your first cousin?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> fight a lion in a loincloth? Or have Rush Limbaugh sit on your face after a 3-hour squash match?<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> have the 5 worst moments of your life televised? Or have to shower in front of George R. R. Martin each time you needed to clean yourself?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>get mauled by an aggressive Canine? Or only be able to watch FRIENDS whenever a television was on?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>only be able to wear tight pant suits to work? Or never have any taste buds?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> constantly smell like gasoline? Or suffer 30 zipper-to-genitalia flesh jams during random moments throughout your life?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>be explosively lactose intolerant? Or unable to annunciate vowels?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> only be able to communicate only through grunts? Or only through whistles?<br />
<br />
<b style="font-style: italic;">Would You Rather </b>own the world's nicest RV, but your dad would always have to be naked with you in it? Or own the world's nicest yacht, but you'd throw up every 25 minutes you were on it?<br />
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> get punched in the head by <a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/sports-sentinel-sports-now/files/2011/02/barrylarkin.jpg&imgrefurl=http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/sports-sentinel-sports-now/2011/02/16/orlando-resident-barry-larkin-joins-espns-baseball-tonight/&h=275&w=183&tbnid=jKL-Rw84TIEwXM:&zoom=1&tbnh=186&tbnw=123&usg=__s3HRVVRFo9DqJNJINCOt_PRAM7k=&docid=DELjVsoe18bzzM&itg=1&sa=X&ei=9LNpU_zLBuKYyAGdtYHoDA&ved=0CKABEPwdMAo" target="_blank">Barry Larkin</a>? Or licked 22 consecutive times by <a href="http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn.cnwimg.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Roberto-Alomar-Net-Worth-300x225.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.celebritynetworth.com/richest-athletes/richest-baseball/roberto-alomar-net-worth/&h=180&w=240&tbnid=Mp2PfbJvejp0tM:&zoom=1&tbnh=150&tbnw=200&usg=__cDOcXpNBEcvn6RkH3vIFYNBjMOY=&docid=-zSn5Na9pwgsZM&itg=1&sa=X&ei=CbRpU7yNLcb4yAHrjYDIDw&ved=0CKgBEPwdMAs" target="_blank">Roberto Alomar</a>?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> go to the World Cup, but then get eaten by flesh-hungry hooligans after it was over? Or go to the Super Bowl when your favorite team plays but then get burned alive during half-time?<br />
<br />
OKAY>>> HOW ABOUT SOME POSITIVE ONES?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> be able to grow any facial hair combination possible in 3 minutes? Or be able to sniff cancer?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>be the world's undisputed funniest person? Or the world's undisputed smartest person?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>have your navel spew unlimited quantities of ketchup on command? Or have your anus quell wildfires?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>be able to steal up to $50 worth of items twice a week with no consequence for the rest of your life? Or be able to steal one thing of unlimited value once?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>be Spiderman? Or Batman?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather </i>telepathically change the television channel? Or use ESP to communicate with dolphins?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> be a country music star? Or the face of the coolest Internet Meme ever made?<br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Would You Rather</i> be able to breathe underwater? Or constantly smell awesome?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So there's a few just to get your next dude-on-dude conversations going. Feel free to riff off of these from home, and feel free to tweet some of your "<a href="http://splitsider.com/2014/04/todays-funniest-tweets-258/" target="_blank">zingers</a>" to @thisweekindude.<br />
<br />
<br />
Need more wolf-blood-enriched Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/hes-mustache-machine.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-ballad-of-jt-snow-california-angel.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/jaromir-jager.html" target="_blank">This</a>.<br />
<br />Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-32089621368383098612014-05-05T14:00:00.001-04:002014-08-14T15:01:34.797-04:00What Your Shirt Says About You (In One Sentence)<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"><b><i></i></b></span><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8183/8394738197_799d90e82b_b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8183/8394738197_799d90e82b_b.jpg" height="425" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/85546319@N04/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Unfortunately, what you wear matters to more people than just that flaky girl that you secretly wanted to sleep with back in college. Innately, people make snap judgments, so you must be prepared. After reading this article, look through your wardrobe and see what kind of message you could be sending to people in your "life sphere."</span><br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">J Crew</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My breath reeks of Starbucks coffee.</span></span><br />
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<br />
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Lacoste</span></i></b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I’m a real asshole to play sports with.<span class="s1"></span></span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">American Eagle</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My parents drove me here.</span></span><br />
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Polo Ralph Lauren</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I have a very conservative ideology mapped out by my Father.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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</div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Banana Repbulic</span></i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I have skinny legs for a man.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">H & M</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I have no idea why this shirt is inexpensive.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Express</i></b><br />I dipped into my Chipotle budget so I could dress nice.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Nike</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I think that Scott Van Pelt is God. </span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Armani</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t know how grass gets trimmed.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Affliction</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I’d apply hair gel even if I were bald.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">RVCA</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Life is a Rave, and I am the Glow.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Puma</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I play wayyyy too much soccer for my age.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Ecko</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My last four rap demos fell upon deaf ears.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span class="s1"></span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<br /></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Chaps</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I really don’t care how wrinkled my shirt gets.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Nautica</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I think that 55 year old man walking his Golden Retriever is dressed nice.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"><i></i></span><br /></span>
</div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Izod</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My mom said I could get anything I wanted from JCPenney as long as Jesus would agree that it didn't taint the temple of the Lord.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Adidas</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">All day I dream about saying something to a girl, but then I don’t.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Aeropostale</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I came here straight from high school.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Alfani</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I usually "steal the show" at the HR Potluck.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Tommy Hilfiger</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">This is the shirt I wear when I’m not tending to my garden.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">L.L. Bean</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I spent three years trying to become a Magician.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Vineyard Vines</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t know what color my pants will be tomorrow.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Guess</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">My mental age is exactly 52.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Old Navy</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">This shirt was 6 dollars. Fuck Off.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Tapout</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I hit up the county fair every Summer.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Champion</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I play basketball in windpants.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /><span class="s1"></span></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Hurley</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s always Spring Break somewhere.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"><i></i></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Billabong</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">This shirt makes my arms look even skinnier.</span></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Hollister</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">Life is a beach you wear shitty cologne to, a place where you open beer bottles with your flip flops.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Quiksilver</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I’m not sure what I think of cargo shorts.</span></span></div>
<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">Diesel</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: large;">I’ve shaved <i>everywhere</i>. </span></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>Abercrombie</i></b><br />I have a massive CD storage binder in the backseat of my Camry.</span><br />
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<br />
<div class="p2">
<span class="s1"><br /></span></div>
Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-91065073135964218212014-03-12T14:48:00.000-04:002014-08-14T15:01:53.651-04:00FLATTOP COUNTDOWN!<br />
Nothing is as level steady as the flattop variety of hair cut. It exudes discipline, conveys loyalty, and commands honor. And possibly a little bit of OCD. But either way, it's something TWID feels is worth commemorating.<br />
<br />
So in commemoration, brace yourself for the following displays of smashmouth hairsmanship:<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>10.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://blogs.knoxnews.com/woodbery/butch-jones-presser.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://blogs.knoxnews.com/woodbery/butch-jones-presser.JPG" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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Butch Jones - Tennessee Volunteers Head Football Coach and underbite advocate</div>
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<a href="http://blogs.knoxnews.com/woodbery/2012/12/tennessees-butch-jones-a-look-at-how-he-might-build-his-staff.html" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>9.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.screenused.com/images/fewgood/DVD_VIDEO-38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.screenused.com/images/fewgood/DVD_VIDEO-38.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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Kevin Bacon from A Few Good Men</div>
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<a href="http://www.screenused.com/?sectionID=item-detail&subsectionID=index.cfm&item_id=1685" target="_blank">source</a> </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>8.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.pathguy.com/kurtrus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.pathguy.com/kurtrus.jpg" height="400" width="307" /></a></div>
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Kurt Russell, ironically prior to space exploration</div>
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<a href="http://www.pathguy.com/flattop.htm" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>7.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://i.cdn.turner.com/nba/nba/history/legends/chris-mullin/chris-mullin-608.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/nba/nba/history/legends/chris-mullin/chris-mullin-608.jpg" height="173" width="400" /></a></div>
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Chris Mullin: The Golden Warrior</div>
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<a href="http://www.nba.com/history/legends/chris-mullin/index.html" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>6.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://globezhair.com/wp-content/uploads/HLIC/d58b10c0cc7fe8dbf237a9fbabd26fa1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://globezhair.com/wp-content/uploads/HLIC/d58b10c0cc7fe8dbf237a9fbabd26fa1.jpg" height="380" width="400" /></a></div>
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Jim Carrey from Me, Myself & Irene</div>
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<a href="http://globezhair.com/1322/cool-military-hairstyle-for-gentle-men/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>5.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.movieleadership.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/5-outstanding-ed-harris-performances-2011-apollo-13-55451.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.movieleadership.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/5-outstanding-ed-harris-performances-2011-apollo-13-55451.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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Ed Harris, Mission Control, Apollo 13</div>
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<a href="http://www.movieleadership.com/2013/09/22/five-movie-leaders-to-take-on-the-leadership-challenge/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>4.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Music/Pix/pictures/2011/8/18/1313658907417/Will-Smith-in-the-Fresh-P-007.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Music/Pix/pictures/2011/8/18/1313658907417/Will-Smith-in-the-Fresh-P-007.jpg" height="192" width="320" /></a></b></span></div>
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Will Smith, Fresh Prince Flattop</div>
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<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/music/2011/aug/18/will-smith-rap-comeback" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>3.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/5892/270148-duke_nukem_004_1_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/5892/270148-duke_nukem_004_1_.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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Duke Nukem, 3-Dimensional Badass</div>
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<a href="http://www.giantbomb.com/duke-nukem/3025-164/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>2.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><a href="http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Forrest-Gump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://cdn3.whatculture.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Forrest-Gump.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></b></span></div>
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Forrest Gump</div>
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<a href="http://whatculture.com/film/10-films-prove-disability-doesnt-hold-back.php" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>1.</b></span><br />
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<a href="http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/1201/hightop.fade.hairstyle/images/detlef-shrempf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i.cdn.turner.com/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/1201/hightop.fade.hairstyle/images/detlef-shrempf.jpg" height="400" width="321" /></a></div>
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Detlef Schrempf. Accurate with a razor, deadly with the 3-ball</div>
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<a href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/1201/hightop.fade.hairstyle/content.5.html" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>FLATTOP!</b></span><br />
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That's a lot of Flattops! (and source code). Let's see BuzzFeed top this one.<br />
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...till next time <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/yogi-berra-cat-assassin.html" target="_blank">Dudes</a><br />
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-41369972909917945322014-03-10T12:46:00.001-04:002014-08-14T15:02:26.640-04:00The 12 Types of Bar Crawlers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2098/2431325941_0cbdaf6564_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="464" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2098/2431325941_0cbdaf6564_z.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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This article is about "Booze"</div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/photoartist63/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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A bar crawl is like a 26.2 mile sprint. You "pace yourself" by making sure you binge drink at every bar. And as you get more intoxicated, the alcohol goes down smoother, and as the alcohol goes down smoother, you drink faster. Resulting in a mind-erasing Catch-22.<br />
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This blog routine has been <a href="http://www.1bignightout.com/1bignightout/the-5-types-of-pub-crawlers-youll-meet/" target="_blank">done before</a>. But since this is "This Week In Dude," why not have it now be a chapter in official Man-Lore? A notary of debauchery that explains to the world that there are really only 12 types of bar crawlers.<br />
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<b>The Overly Dressed</b><br />
Will he be getting sloppy or not? It's a divine mystery for one so divinely dressed. Although it's obvious he's a member of the <a href="http://www.fastcompany.com/1837009/trunk-club-would-you-dress-better-increase-your-style-aptitude-have-more-sex" target="_blank">Trunk Club</a>, what we want to know is how this bar crawl is gonna affect him and his great loafers, J Crew threads, and casually-worn $140 jeans. Maybe he drank hard at Dartmouth, maybe he only drank on occasion. During the crawl, you're gonna have to look for an indicator. Keep a close eye on his cashmere. If the sleeves roll-up, it's about to go down.<br />
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<b>The Nacho Pounders</b><br />
These guys are hungry every 45 minutes. And are the farthest thing from "over-dressed." In a typical bar crawl they'll scarf 4 nacho piles, 2 dozen wings, and 4 plates of sliders. They're also a roller-coaster of a group. Hitting euphoric highs when the alcohol is at peak absorption, and then tremendous lows during the onset of yet another food coma.<br />
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<b>The Mumbler Stumblers</b><br />
This breed of cat hits the bar hard an hour before the crawl even starts. And they're the only person on earth who would <i>pregame for a bar crawl</i>. When you arrive, you're taken aback by how the smell of booze on their breath somehow dwarfs the stench of the bar. They're happy to see you, and they look like they're on top of the world. At the next bar, they're ice skating across the laminate bar floor. But soon their manic run comes to an end. And then come the murmurs, the mumbles, the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYmLc84x6Z4" target="_blank">puffed-cheeked vomit catch</a>, the grumbles, and finally the violent stumble which brings their night to an end, or to a bar that doesn't have standards.<br />
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<b>The Beautifully Underdressed</b><br />
Whether a dude or dudette, they're pulling off their minimalist and/or "tight" look with minimal clothing. And it's a thing of beauty.<br />
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<b>The Disgustingly Underdressed</b><br />
Whether a dude or dudette, they're not pulling off the minimalist look. And they've got cottage cheese hanging out the back of their lycra.<br />
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<b>The Cryer</b><br />
They've kept it together for 5 bars on the crawl. But bar #6 becomes a public house of misery. Perhaps they've channeled a distant repressed memory, a bad break-up from the past, or have somehow contrived their own despair. You ask them what's going on, and try to be a shoulder to cry on, but soon enough it becomes too much of a buzz kill. So you do something that they won't... move on.<br />
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<b>The "I Love this Song Guy"</b><br />
He might not be getting out enough, his S.O. might be dragging him down, or he's too busy getting an advanced degree at some shakily-accredited online university, whatever... What you do know is that the bar crawl makes him suddenly realize that he "misses these kinds of things." Things like spending a few hours with his friends, in a place where drinking as much as you want before 6 pm is <a href="http://postgradproblems.com/17-reasons-day-drinking-is-the-greatest-activity-of-all-time/" target="_blank">perfectly normal</a>, and where the music sounds SO F*CKING AWESOME!<br />
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<b>The Guy Who Leaves The Bar Crawl To Start A Fight At Another Bar</b><br />
He's gone "off the grid" to "kick some ass." He loves his friends. He loves his friends' friends. He just hates everyone else. Around the last leg of the crawl, he'll stumble off into the mellow lights of the streets to later resurface on the police blotter.<br />
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<b>The New Guy</b><br />
With so many friends getting together, and the open-invitee nature of bar crawls, you're bound to induct a new person into your circle of Friends. In 10 minutes you find out he's a really interesting dude, and within 20 you're Facebook friends; drunkenly writing inside jokes on his wall.<br />
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<b>The Thrift Store Moth Ball</b><br />
This guy looks like the 70s, but smells like an 80s cedar closet. He's donning "Thrift Store Chic," and makes subtle references to the coolness of the "NES PowerPad." He's nearly got the Macklemore look nailed, but he could use a little more retro refinement. And maybe a Clorox bleach pen.<br />
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<b>The "Didn't Make it to Bar #2"</b><br />
They've had a knack for disappearing before. Perhaps they were popping-in to keep up appearances. You swore they were right there next to you a moment ago. Now they're gone. Are you already <i>that </i>drunk?<br />
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<b>The Closers</b><br />
They stay level, they hold conversations, and they even exceed the demands of the bar crawl drink schedule. These guys are the ultimate crawlers. Functional alcoholics 20 years ahead of their time. If this trait wasn't such a social land mine, there'd be a monument in their honor.<br />
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Need more articles of <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2014/01/dude-or-not-dude.html" target="_blank">Manhood</a>? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-ghost-of-chuck-knoblauch.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/hes-mustache-machine.html" target="_blank">This</a>? Or <i><a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">This</a></i>Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-22402212077677654862014-02-27T14:08:00.000-05:002015-01-15T17:29:54.436-05:00Walter White Vs. Francis Underwood: The Villainous Tale of the Tape<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TcnTC1utyG8/VLg--C5hmmI/AAAAAAAACjs/eEaTmF8PVcI/s1600/Kevin_Spacey_001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TcnTC1utyG8/VLg--C5hmmI/AAAAAAAACjs/eEaTmF8PVcI/s1600/Kevin_Spacey_001.jpg" height="360" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/carlouspalmer/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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I love Breaking Bad. Since the show ended it's run in Fall 2013, I've been combing the TeleSphere for a show that'll drop my jaw and spike my adrenaline levels in similar ways. During my search, I came across House of Cards. In my politically inadequate mind, the show started slow. But once I picked up on the jargon, and saw how the frays tied together, I was hooked. And that's right about when I noticed that I might have a weird proclivity for insanely evil characters.<br />
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Kevin Spacey's portrayal of <a href="http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0369160/">Francis J. Underwood</a>, and Bryan Cranston's work as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walter_White_(Breaking_Bad)">Walter Hartwell White</a> really drew me in to both of their addictive shows. Although House of Cards is in it's relative infancy, I am already starting to draw parallels between it and shows like The Wire, The Soprano's, and Breaking Bad. An internal debate that comes along when any show displays <a href="http://voices.yahoo.com/netflixs-house-cards-masterpiece-human-12004521.html?cat=39">captivation potential</a>.<br />
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Drawing on the evil nature of Francis Underwood that has been slowly unveiled by House of Cards, I've begun to wonder just how evil is he? And to quench my curiosity, I decided that it's best to compare him to the current champion of the evil character realm: Walter White.<br />
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In case you didn't know, I used to be an Engineer, and so I sort of lust for numbers. So in this "tale of the tape" I'll attempt to objectify the comparison by evaluating a "metric of <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2015/01/your-cat-hates-you-guaranteed.html" target="_blank">evil</a>," explain each character's case for corruption, and then apply a score between 1-100 for each of them. 1 being about as evil as an innocent child riding the back of a large puppy. 100 being Hitler stuck in a traffic jam.<br />
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WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD<br />
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<b>The Lives They Ruined</b><br />
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Walter White became the most powerful man of the underground, Francis Underwood is currently the most powerful man of the overground. We know that Franky POTUS has killed at least two people. According to the Breaking Bad Wiki, Walter White is responsible for the deaths of <a href="http://breakingbad.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_deaths_on_Breaking_Bad">198 people</a>. Not to mention the fact that he wrecked the lives of his family, his brother-in-law's family, the families of the 167 passengers of the planes that collided, Jesse Pinkman, Gustavo Fring, Mike Ehrmantraut, etc.<br />
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Although Francis Underwood has <a href="http://voices.yahoo.com/house-cards-fact-fiction-12512759.html?cat=2">set the stage</a> to be the most evil leader of the free world ever conceived, I have to score this based on what we know has already happened. And therefore Walter Hartwell White gets the first advantage. Besides, Frank did bring about Social Security reform.<br />
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Walter White: 97 <br />
Francis Underwood: 81<br />
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<b>Their Evil Potential</b><br />
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The heading may not make sense at first, as Breaking Bad has ended its run. But think about what is/was possible for these two characters. It's pretty interesting. Frank has an unbelievable amount of power, and therefore an unbelievable amount of potential. But Walt is "dividend" evil. He put in circulation the purest achieved form of the world's most dangerous drug. A drug that in the Breaking Bad universe is still selling by the boatload -- thanks to the proliferation of his recipe by Jesse Pinkman. When you think about it this way, and if you agree that Meth is a vehicle of evil, Walt has tapped infinite evil potential.<br />
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Walter White: 100 <br />
Francis Underwood: 95<br />
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<b>Their Disregard for the People Close to Them</b><br />
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Originally, Walter White did what he did for his family. Only to "admit" to <a href="http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0096616/">Skyler</a> in the series finale that he "<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUJci5RWsqE">did it for himself</a>." Personally, I think he told Skyler what she wanted to hear before leaving her forever without a confirmed explanation. When he first started cooking with Jesse, I believe he was genuine in wanting to cover the cost of his cancer and leave his family with enough money to live comfortably. He just severely underestimated the breadth of the consequences of his venture.<br />
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Francis Underwood on the other hand, is an <a href="http://www.policymic.com/articles/83211/all-of-frank-underwood-s-best-most-evil-advice-from-house-of-cards">evil genius</a> and conniving prick. He understands the consequences of his actions much better than Walter White ever did. Both may seem equally as manipulative, but I contend that Walter White's former cloistered lifestyle was hampered this trait a little, not to mention providing the majority of Breaking Bad's comic relief. Even though Walter White is a genius in his own right, it took him until too close to the bitter end to develop the faculties that Francis Underwood had seemed to come pre-packaged in. And since Frank Underwood always knows exactly what he's doing when he's doing it, he blows Walt out of the water in this regard.<br />
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Francis Underwood: 98 <br />
Walter White: 62<br />
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<b>Their Worst Deed</b><br />
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For those of you that can read and add at the same time, you'll see that it comes down to this. And I think a truly evil man should be judged by his worst deed. So within that logic, I've saved the best for last.<br />
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Walter White and Frank Underwood really have some doozies in this department. Here are Walter White's top 3 transgressions:<br />
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1.) Letting Jesse's girlfriend Jane die<br />
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2.) Poisoning Brock with Lily of the Valley<br />
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3.) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2uLNioVW-M">Killing 10 prison inmates in under 2 minutes</a><br />
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and Francis J. Underwood's:<br />
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1.) Killing Peter Russo<br />
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2.) Killing Zoe Barnes<br />
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3.) Manipulating all three branches of the US government to the point where they forced the President to resign.<br />
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I can solve this final quandary in 20 words. Francis J. Underwood did all of these despicable deeds for selfish purposes. You can't say the same for Walter White.<br />
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Francis Underwood: 99* <br />
Walter White: 82<br />
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<i>*and remember, Frank has only had 2 seasons to accrue this carnage</i><br />
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Well, let's tally, shall we?<br />
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The Final Score: <br />
Francis Underwood: 373 <br />
Walter White: 341<br />
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Close, but no House of Cards.<br />
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I'm calling it early <a href="http://voices.yahoo.com/jumping-zombie-shark-12540365.html?cat=2">again</a>, but Francis Underwood is more diabolical than Walter White.<br />
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And now you know the margin of evil.<br />
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<i>Need more diabolical Dude content? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/roseanne-barr-involuntary-leader-of-men.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-thread-dedicated-to-shred-twids-top.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/05/hes-mustache-machine.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i></div>
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Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-27966112900143707792014-02-10T17:56:00.002-05:002014-08-14T15:03:17.169-04:00TWID Greeting Cards<br />
A way to pat someone on the back... <i>without</i> touching their inner thigh.<br />
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Workplace Recognition</span></i></b><br />
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC01ZDA3N2NhMWFhMWQ5NWRh.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC01ZDA3N2NhMWFhMWQ5NWRh.png" height="448" width="640" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
(not to scale) if you'd like the 8x10, click <a href="http://www.billpullman.org/" target="_blank">here</a></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><i>Leaked Urologist Report</i></b></span><br />
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC05ZmQ0MDM5ZjgxYzMxYzQ3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC05ZmQ0MDM5ZjgxYzMxYzQ3.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">A New Member to the Family</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC00ZTE0YmM2YjBmYWUwNzAw.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC00ZTE0YmM2YjBmYWUwNzAw.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Athletic Excellence</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC05NmE3YTlhZTM5NGI4N2M3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC05NmE3YTlhZTM5NGI4N2M3.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Athletic Encouragement</span></i></b></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><i>Happy-Go-Lucky</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1jNTZmM2NkN2I2N2E1MzQ3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1jNTZmM2NkN2I2N2E1MzQ3.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: large;"><b><i>Noticeable Self-Improvement</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1lNTExMGRiZDA3NzkwM2Ez.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1lNTExMGRiZDA3NzkwM2Ez.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">For The Nurturer </span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC01ZDc2ZjUwNmFkY2I5NjZh.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC01ZDc2ZjUwNmFkY2I5NjZh.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Hope and Wisdom</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC04Y2NlZTk3ZTI3ZTUxODUz.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC04Y2NlZTk3ZTI3ZTUxODUz.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Outstanding Achievement</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1hNGQ3NDMxNjgxZjlkZTZm.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1hNGQ3NDMxNjgxZjlkZTZm.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Exploring New Avenues</span></i></b></div>
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<a href="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1hZTIyODg4YTE2NzQ5ODI2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxNC1hZTIyODg4YTE2NzQ5ODI2.png" height="448" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">A special thank you to <a href="http://someecards.com/">someecards.com</a> for powering this <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/ned-narrative.html" target="_blank">ridiculous</a> blog post.</span></i><br />
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Craving more Dude chicanery? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-ballad-of-jt-snow-california-angel.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-thread-dedicated-to-shred-twids-top.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/10/236-things-far-better-than-arguing.html" target="_blank">This</a>Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-13655673260035769752014-02-04T22:12:00.000-05:002014-03-02T15:49:14.264-05:00Manvice: How to Drive on the Highway<br />
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<a href="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7200/6978737248_17c3eb1a0b_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7200/6978737248_17c3eb1a0b_z.jpg" height="428" width="640" /></a></div>
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There's nothing like the "Open Road"</div>
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<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/rickthephotoguy/" target="_blank">source</a></div>
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<b><i>The Left Lane is the "Passing" Lane</i></b><br />
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Although it's a slightly <a href="http://www.mit.edu/~jfc/right.html" target="_blank">unwritten rule of the road</a>, you should remember this credo: "Pass on the left, drive on the right." It makes your highway experience enjoyable, and helps reduce the amount of venomous single-finger gestures aimed your way.<br />
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More explicitly put, this rule means that unless you're doing 20 over and are about to be reamed by a tailgating asshole, you should be going faster than the traffic in the lane right of you. When you're in the lane farthest to the left, you should be in the fastest flow of traffic. I know, your dad probably told you this. But a lot of people <a href="http://baddriverblog.com/" target="_blank">seem to forget</a>.<br />
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If you have no problem going too slow in this lane and not passing, you should remind yourself that some people have shit to do, and holding them up in the passing lane is an exercise both in selfishness and oblivion.<br />
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<b><i>More than 5 seconds of continuous honking makes you an Asshole</i></b><br />
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People usually hear you the first time. They definitely hear you the second time. Laying on your horn does not change the way your intended listener processes information. It just aggravates them. And aggravation leads to escalation. Don't risk an infarct over somebody you've never met just because they did something that pissed you off momentarily. Just give them a beep to alert them of their traffic <a href="http://autos.aol.com/gallery/5-stupid-driver-mistakes/" target="_blank">faux pas</a>, and let that be it. Odds are you're going separate ways anyway.<br />
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<b><i>Driving a truck doesn't give you a license to tailgate</i></b><br />
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I don't know what it is with little assholes and <a href="http://davesays.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/asshole-truck-drivers/" target="_blank">big trucks</a>, but from my time on expressways, they seem to be intensely intertwined. What's funny though, is how they seem to think that riding your ass makes them more visible in your rearview mirror. It doesn't. They also seem to think that tailgating you will somehow dissolve the cars boxing you in from the right. It won't.<br />
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If you're one of these tailgaters, get some security in your life and stop being a dick. If you're one of the victims, don't let them pressure you into an accident, merge over when it's safe, and let the guy with the micro-penis speed by you in his Ford F-250.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/E-l4w-DIiXk?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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The Olympics aren't the scariest thing in Mother Russia</div>
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<b><i>Turn signals are excellent indicators of future lane occupation</i></b><br />
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Speaking of changing lanes safely, a good way to ensure that happens is by using what is called a "turn signal." In most vehicles, it resides on a bar to the left of your steering wheel. Use it to indicate left if you're moving from right to left. Use it to indicate right if you're moving from left to right. It's a simple action that can be accomplished almost involuntarily, and is the farthest thing from time consuming. Better yet, it covers your ass in case there is somebody in one of your blindspots. Because even you are human.<br />
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<b><i>Change lanes one at a time</i></b><br />
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Nothing riles me more than seeing that asshole in the lime-green Mazda with the spoiler darting across lanes at 90 mph. I pretty much want him to die. But wanting him to die will likely kill somebody else. And that's a terrible trade-off. The bottom line is this shit needs to stop. It's stupid, senseless, and the thrill of it for the driver comes from putting other people in danger. If you're a darter, save it for your <a href="http://www.needforspeed.com/" target="_blank">Playstation</a>, you might have kids to care for some day.<br />
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<b><i>Go ahead. Take a peek</i></b><br />
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It might be innate to look at the driver/passengers that are in the lane next to you as you pass them, or as they pass you. And I've unofficially found that 99.7% of the times I've looked over, they're looking right back at me. It's just an awkward temptation of the road that can't be resisted. So instead let's make a rule of the road here, and treat it like going to the Urologist. Acknowledge that it's awkward, but that it's something "humans just gotta do" and take a quick glance. Just be careful if that person ends up being enormously attractive, because you don't want to start a 20 car pile-up while being moderately aroused. That would definitely be awkward.<br />
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<b><i><br /></i></b>If you can implement these 6 rules (and merge onto the highway properly), then you can rule the road... even if you drive a <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/75/1996-97_Ford_Taurus.jpg" target="_blank">1996 Ford Taurus.</a><br />
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<i>Need more <a href="http://www.thisweekindude.com/" target="_blank">TWID</a> content? Try <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/shit-little-league-parents-say.html" target="_blank">this</a>. Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-8-guys-youll-meet-at-bonfire.html" target="_blank">this</a>. Or.... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/top-ten-top-ten-lists.html" target="_blank">This</a></i>Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2130450314221280042.post-15149640370370390642014-01-29T23:59:00.000-05:002014-01-30T14:46:00.276-05:00TWID Mosaics<br />
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Let the Dude Art <i>consume you</i>...<br />
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<b><i><span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;">Thunder Skunk</span></i></b><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6xrCnBU5Zwg/UuflYYCHZaI/AAAAAAAAA_0/6eSC9Dq3H_8/s1600/ThunderSkunk.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img alt="Skunk in a sky full of thunder" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6xrCnBU5Zwg/UuflYYCHZaI/AAAAAAAAA_0/6eSC9Dq3H_8/s1600/ThunderSkunk.jpg" height="342" title="Thunder Skunk" width="640" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYFdldfYEJk" target="_blank">You've been</a>... Thunder Skunk!</div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>Da Grizzle Bear</i></b></span><br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RrR7WVxIv-s/UukjYuh1fSI/AAAAAAAABAE/syMczgiNf-I/s1600/DaGrizzleBear.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Grizzly bear sitting atop steak fat" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RrR7WVxIv-s/UukjYuh1fSI/AAAAAAAABAE/syMczgiNf-I/s1600/DaGrizzleBear.png" height="518" title="Da Grizzle" width="640" /></a></div>
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Always keep an eye on your steak fat</div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>The Don Baylor</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cm909b5wWUs/Uukj4g4TKzI/AAAAAAAABAM/yOmoziHVhzU/s1600/Don_BaylorWindude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Don Baylor in a cubs uniform in stained glass windows" border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Cm909b5wWUs/Uukj4g4TKzI/AAAAAAAABAM/yOmoziHVhzU/s1600/Don_BaylorWindude.jpg" height="424" title="The Don Baylor" width="640" /></a></div>
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This should anger the gods</div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>The StacheSquatch</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6P72HPyOKJk/UumQh7g00kI/AAAAAAAABAc/HghAHNp1cc4/s1600/Stache_Squatch.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Sasquatch wearing a mustache" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6P72HPyOKJk/UumQh7g00kI/AAAAAAAABAc/HghAHNp1cc4/s1600/Stache_Squatch.jpeg" height="640" title="The StacheSquatch" width="526" /></a></div>
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He's been seen by two people: A dead guy from Tacoma, and <a href="http://www.citypages.com/slideshow/mustache-mania-top-20-celebrity-staches-181195/" target="_blank">Frank Zappa</a></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>Marble Head</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qUVIePxyxTY/Uum_ivogP8I/AAAAAAAABA0/MrYkONPwgYY/s1600/MarbleHead.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Marble on someones head. Tuxedo, bow tie, marble slab." border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qUVIePxyxTY/Uum_ivogP8I/AAAAAAAABA0/MrYkONPwgYY/s1600/MarbleHead.png" height="640" title="Marble Head" width="555" /></a></div>
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He never takes his friends for granite</div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>American Horse Story</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Csz_zlk4uMk/UunCAaYF6KI/AAAAAAAABBA/5XlcfsN0t5k/s1600/AmericanHorseStory.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="American Flag, US, USA, Red, white, blue. Horse. Brown stallion" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Csz_zlk4uMk/UunCAaYF6KI/AAAAAAAABBA/5XlcfsN0t5k/s1600/AmericanHorseStory.png" height="499" title="American Horse Story" width="640" /></a></div>
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This might be the most moving picture of all time</div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>The Tiki Barber</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WxrtHvqL6gk/UupzB1j_w-I/AAAAAAAABBQ/zfXwgdyzOUM/s1600/TheTikiBarber.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="A barber cutting hair in a tiki bar. Tiki Barber" border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WxrtHvqL6gk/UupzB1j_w-I/AAAAAAAABBQ/zfXwgdyzOUM/s1600/TheTikiBarber.png" height="564" title="The Tiki Barber" width="640" /></a></div>
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These might exist in <a href="http://imbibemagazine.com/Best-Tiki-Bars" target="_blank">remote areas</a></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>and...</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>The Return of Thunder Skunk</i></b></span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zK023fSiKpU/UumQ4c1RxKI/AAAAAAAABAk/Vn8jF9kRzcE/s1600/ThunderSkunk2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="A skunk head in a sky of thunder" border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zK023fSiKpU/UumQ4c1RxKI/AAAAAAAABAk/Vn8jF9kRzcE/s1600/ThunderSkunk2.png" height="426" title="The Return of Thunder Skunk" width="640" /></a></div>
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Who says thunder doesn't strike twice?</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Long live Kirk Herbstreit!</span><br />
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<i>Need more balls up your Dude alley? How about <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-dark-side-of-duluth.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/08/nars.html" target="_blank">this</a>? Or... <a href="http://thisweekindude.blogspot.com/2012/06/king-of-america.html" target="_blank">This</a>.</i>Jerry Landryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00399095489685354769noreply@blogger.com