The Man In The Zubaz Pants

There is an understanding amongst American people that Zubaz pants don’t exactly.. uh... 

“catapult women into orgasm.” 

A line of clothing that came to fame in the early 1990’s, Zubaz fell sharply from grace by the mid 90’s*. And its appearances since then have been mostly out of amusing homage and obvious insult to their design.

*Most likely instigated by the introduction of the Zubaz Diaper

But some people don’t seem to feel the collective sentiment that Zubaz was just another crazy fad that entrapped impressionable people in a brief existence in ridiculousness. And even fewer people care, or even realize that this selection of outerwear is scoffed at and shunned by women. This list whittles down to one, when you constrain yourself to wearing Zubaz pants on the regular. Truth be told, there is a guy that thinks Zubaz pants are the textile equivalent of shock rock. Rocking these zebra pants to the shock of just about everyone else.

This is a story about a man that is chronically 1991. Not the man above, but another man entirely. One that doesn't play "dress-up." The Man in the Zubaz pants. A star in a resilient tapestry of stripes. Quite possibly the visual epitome of a dude. 

But there are more subjective negatives...

What is real? And what is faux?
This isn’t 1991. Times change, and most people evolve. But all he’s ever accomplished is earning the not-so-coveted title ‘The Man In The Zubaz Pants.’ The only thing proper about him is the noun. He’s misplaced his self-awareness and forfeited his sanity. An unintended public spectacle in the fit of cheesy chic that expresses its dated appeal from taper to taper. But for some reason, everyone wants to know his story. They view him as a vivid, but curious figure. They want to know a little more about the Man in the Zubaz pants. They want to get inside the synthetic zebra.

How’d he get here?

Where’s he from?

What’s wrong with him?

He’s outlasted the No Fear guy, the Starter jock, and the pinnacle of the Apex windbreaker. He’s seen athletic clothing trends come and go (even his), and knows that only one could Everlast. These pants are his life’s investment. Something he's willing to wear trend after trend. His goal to be ahead of a curve that could someday approach its second crest.

He’s seen slight spikes in popularity, but nothing like the tipping point experienced back in Hammertime. NFL Quarterbacks used to warm up in these pants. And now, he’s a clown wearing something last seen prominent in the Ren and Stimpy era.

These pants were popular back when Marv Levy had a sex drive

Are the pants just too much? 


Too vivid, too loud, too stripey. They were too much of everything they incorporated and made integral. Too much taper, too much room in the crotch, and too much supply. So much "too much" that the idea that their longevity has been preserved is just too much.

Perhaps it’s the threat of extinction that keeps the Man in the Zubaz pants pressing on in his tumble dry pants. Having that feeling of knowing he’s now an individual when he was once just a face in the crowd. Now a luminary in a faded denim world.

This is his motivation. And it is intrinsic. Not actuated entirely by the skewed ideal of narcissism, but the value realized in sticking with something you enjoy no matter the current consensus. An aspect of loyalty. 

He is not a Bengal tiger on the inside, he just sort of looks like one on the outside. The tapered cuffs that gently abrade his ankles are securely tucked into his high-tops to make sure that he doesn't look stupid. Day in, after dweeby day out, his "fashion package" remains constant.

If you’re going to make a statement, and hold on to it for this long, then you have to remain constant. Although the look looks ridiculous, it is dependably unwavering. "The Man (Still) In The Zubaz Pants" is the epitome of the good and bad that come with loyalty.

But he is an embodiment of a long-term commitment; perpetuating obscure, but legitimate traits of dependability. Faithful to the dead threads alluded to above, for better or for worse.

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