Dale Helmet: World Class Idiot

Praised for his idiocy, admired for his mental ineptitude, and loved for his ignorance, Dale Helmet is the bold new leader in an underground movement founded solely on the principles of stupidity.

He picks up an undersized hand-basket as he goes in the out door of his local grocer. He's wearing a shirt that placards the simple phrase "Evolution Stops Here."

He cruises three different aisles, but only needs to waltz down one and hit up a counter. He's there for what he's always there for every day: Budweiser and Grizzly smokeless tobacco.

Dale has a decent idea as to how the world perceives him. He feels that they see him as being simple. What Dale doesn't realize, is that they also complement 'simple' with 'idiotic buffoon.'

And what an 'idiotic buffoon' Dale is.

He is a boob that constantly thinks about boobs. He is a bunion on the big toe of society. And he also looks like someone that may have taken a Craftsman hammer head directly to the face.

He heads out of the grocery store after yet another inefficient trip, and he hops into his 1994 Chevy S10. The windows were already rolled down.

He starts his car, and kindly waits for a patron with a full cart to pass in front of his front bumper... only to tailgate her until she strays off the alley between their common row of cars. Not thinking to swerve and go around her.

His moronic swagger is unparalleled.

His distraught negligence to the world around him? That's the Dale Helmet Zone.

He's a low-brow cue ball that likes movies such as "Joe Dirt" for its "true to life" message.

Dale Helmet is like James Dean. Well, except for being stripped of everything except confidence. And actually more like Jimmy Dean... in the fact that he looks like a pre-cooked sausage link with appendages.

You read that right. Dale is sort of "weathered by the sun." He has not worn sunscreen one day of his life, and as a man that works an outdoor blue-collar job, it's obvious that he doesn't need it. Obvious to him and only him.

Dale Helmet doesn't know what humidity is... and he probably doesn't even realize it when it is higher than normal. He truly is a senseless imbecile. But he has become a hero to the intellectually lazy collective. A bastion to underachievers, and an example of someone who has become a great change of pace for inspiration. Somebody that doesn't get by on achievements alone... but instead, the lack thereof.

He is accepted because society expects very little of him. He is also accepted because he is also not a drain on society. Say what most people wont about Dale Helmet, he is completely self-sufficient. He may only pull in 17 grand a year, but that's all you need when you live in a mobile home with a porch and subsist on non-perishable foodstuffs not limited to box upon box of scalloped potatoes.

And does Dale ever love those scalloped potatoes...

And do the people ever love Dale. He doesn't brag about his accomplishments, even though he really hasn't accomplished anything. He doesn't boisterously voice his opinion, even though he's an idiot.

When his day at work is through, he concludes with Bud heavy and a Grizzly chew. He just sits there rocking on a folding chair like Leo Mazzone. Not thinking... just drinking and dipping, sitting and spitting. Thankful for everything he has... because in his mind, it's everything he's got.

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