Craig Ryburn: Minor League Scout


This is what your typical Craig Ryburn scouting report looks like:

Soft hands. Electric arm. Likely an impulsive alcoholic... but great body. Great body.

A template consisting of four short and ascending colorful sentences. The third being off the wall, the fourth explaining that the third doesn't result in a total loss. Instead of saying "he's got the tools" in summation of his report, Craig just reintroduces the fact that a good-looking prospect has a "Great Body."

Good burst. Quick bat. Most likely un-circumsized... but great body. Great body.

His scouting reports are quick and direct. Their best benefit is that they're incredibly easy to remember, and this makes delivering information up through the ranks a breeze-job. Everyone from the shitty Minors to the elite Bigs knows this guy, and they are all grateful that Craig Ryburn knows them.

Fantastic range. Jeter-like leadership. Once had sex with a Border Collie... but great body. Great body.

If you have a character flaw, Craig Ryburn is gonna find it. This is what has kept him in the trade for 34 years. He knows how to put the biggest of everything on the smallest of tables. Whatever that means.

And sometimes when there really isn't a daunting character flaw present, the great Craig Ryburn just finds something else to add.

Good nose for the ball. Excellent bat speed. Believes in Flat-Earth Theory... but great body. Great body.

He's discovered many greats: Otis Nixon, Orel Hershiser, Jeff Blauser, Doug Drabek, Tim Wakefield, and even Billy Ripken, Jr. His track record is truly remarkable. Finding diamonds in the rough more often than an Ivory Coast blood servant.

Jeff "Looks Great In A Blaus" er

He's monitored talent all over this country and within a few island nations. He prefers the warm weather, wearing a tank top and displaying his abnormally wide nipple breadth as he jots down notes about potential big leaguers.

Excellent 60-yard time. Looks natural out on the field. Has a cat penis... but great body. Great body.

Every circle in the scouting profession has been bubbled-in by Craig Ryburn. He's an ever present enigma to others in the field. Concise, yet interesting. To the point, but thorough. The style of Craig Ryburn is unique, but the upside of his projecting is untouched while continuing to be impeccable. The greatest influence on Major League Baseball that you've never heard of.

Good plate coverage. Sees the ball well out of the pitcher's hand. Can correctly identify only four state capitals... but great body. Great body. Superb Body.