Manvice: How to Drive on the Highway

There's nothing like the "Open Road"

The Left Lane is the "Passing" Lane

Although it's a slightly unwritten rule of the road, you should remember this credo:  "Pass on the left, drive on the right." It makes your highway experience enjoyable, and helps reduce the amount of venomous single-finger gestures aimed your way.

More explicitly put, this rule means that unless you're doing 20 over and are about to be reamed by a tailgating asshole, you should be going faster than the traffic in the lane right of you. When you're in the lane farthest to the left, you should be in the fastest flow of traffic. I know, your dad probably told you this. But a lot of people seem to forget.

If you have no problem going too slow in this lane and not passing, you should remind yourself that some people have shit to do, and holding them up in the passing lane is an exercise both in selfishness and oblivion.

More than 5 seconds of continuous honking makes you an Asshole

People usually hear you the first time. They definitely hear you the second time. Laying on your horn does not change the way your intended listener processes information. It just aggravates them. And aggravation leads to escalation. Don't risk an infarct over somebody you've never met just because they did something that pissed you off momentarily. Just give them a beep to alert them of their traffic faux pas, and let that be it. Odds are you're going separate ways anyway.

Driving a truck doesn't give you a license to tailgate

I don't know what it is with little assholes and big trucks, but from my time on expressways, they seem to be intensely intertwined. What's funny though, is how they seem to think that riding your ass makes them more visible in your rearview mirror. It doesn't. They also seem to think that tailgating you will somehow dissolve the cars boxing you in from the right. It won't.

If you're one of these tailgaters, get some security in your life and stop being a dick. If you're one of the victims, don't let them pressure you into an accident, merge over when it's safe, and let the guy with the micro-penis speed by you in his Ford F-250.

The Olympics aren't the scariest thing in Mother Russia

Turn signals are excellent indicators of future lane occupation

Speaking of changing lanes safely, a good way to ensure that happens is by using what is called a "turn signal." In most vehicles, it resides on a bar to the left of your steering wheel. Use it to indicate left if you're moving from right to left. Use it to indicate right if you're moving from left to right. It's a simple action that can be accomplished almost involuntarily, and is the farthest thing from time consuming. Better yet, it covers your ass in case there is somebody in one of your blindspots. Because even you are human.

Change lanes one at a time

Nothing riles me more than seeing that asshole in the lime-green Mazda with the spoiler darting across lanes at 90 mph. I pretty much want him to die. But wanting him to die will likely kill somebody else. And that's a terrible trade-off. The bottom line is this shit needs to stop. It's stupid, senseless, and the thrill of it for the driver comes from putting other people in danger. If you're a darter, save it for your Playstation, you might have kids to care for some day.

Go ahead. Take a peek

It might be innate to look at the driver/passengers that are in the lane next to you as you pass them, or as they pass you. And I've unofficially found that 99.7% of the times I've looked over, they're looking right back at me. It's just an awkward temptation of the road that can't be resisted. So instead let's make a rule of the road here, and treat it like going to the Urologist. Acknowledge that it's awkward, but that it's something "humans just gotta do" and take a quick glance. Just be careful if that person ends up being enormously attractive, because you don't want to start a 20 car pile-up while being moderately aroused. That would definitely be awkward.

If you can implement these 6 rules (and merge onto the highway properly), then you can rule the road... even if you drive a 1996 Ford Taurus.

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