In the collection of villages known as America, there is one saying of sooths that rings clear... The Top Ten List. We rank everything. From Collegiate football teams to hypothetical David Letterman inquisitions. From supermodels in swimwear to vacation locations that they may frequent. We decide what's more important out of what we think is important, and put a little too much thought into this.
After sitting back and viewing one ordered list after another, we've decided to settle a few scores of our own for once and for all. So sit down CNN, back the truck up Men's and Women's Health, and make way for a Dude distribution of how things shape-up against all things similar. For better or for worse, and for complete lack of research.
Here's a top ten list of top ten lists... 100 items in all if you're scoring at home:
1. Top Ten Cat Names
10. Sir Paws-a-Lot
9. Professor Marbles
8. Zeus
7. Lipstick
6. Mr. Crayons
5. Cheyenne
4. Kiss Me Meow
3. Cal State Flufferton
2. Oatmeal Raisin
1. Metamewcil
2. Top Ten Thermos Names
10. The Silver Bullet
9. The Unloader
8. Coffee Annan
7. The Triangulator
6. Nicholas Cage
5. Al Uminium
4. Bruce Willis
3. Lower Lip Singe
2. Bea Arthur's Urn
1. Thermos Thomas: Buffalo Bill For Life
3. Top Ten Male Sex Organ Nicknames
10. The Beige Bullet
(or The Ebony Entrance Maker)
9. German War Helmet
8. Ray Nitschke
7. Seat Biscuit
6. Sir Cum Cision
5. The Latin Assassin
4. The Stud Missile
3. Frank
2. Balls Peen Hammer
1. Gordon Lightfoot
4. Top Ten Most Obscurely Memorable Professional Quarterbacks
10. Rick Mirer
9. Ryan Leaf
8. Vinny Testaverde
7. Warren Moon
6. Scott Mitchell
5. Steve Grogan
4. Bobby Hebert
3. Jeff Hostetler
2. Jeff George
1. Bernie Kosar
5. Exports More Awkward Than Jute
10. Potassium
9. Cantonese Prostitute
8. Uranium
7. Tibetan Prostitute
6. Plantains
5. Sea Bass
4. Bulgarian Prostitute
3. Rabbit's Feet
2. Copper and Iron Whore
1. Cream of Wheat
6. Top Ten Cutting-edge Band Names
10. Rick Springfield's Asshole
9. Jesus Christ and The Washington Redskins
8. Tympanic Membrane
7. Rockin' In The Fat Girl
6. Felix Potvin and The Untouchables
5. Dog Prostate
4. Twisted Splinter
3. Cockride
2. 10 Seconds To Liftoff
1. Cat Scratch Stevens
7. Top Ten Erotic Fantasy Novel Titles
10. Erogenous Andy
9. Becky's Bosom
8. Summers At The Wharf
7. Expecting The Speculum
6. Vernal Climax
5. Eat My Cobbler Anytime
4. Coffee, Tea, Or Watching The Evening News Together Under A Slanket
3. Love Tunnel Vision
2. Corporal Copulation
1. The Velocity Of Sex
8. Top Ten Coolest Products (Real or Fictional)
10. Va-Poo-Rize
9. Coffee Table Aquarium
8. Toilet Seat Pedal
7. Aim 'n' Flame
6. Suit Pajamas
5. Any and All Jet Packs
4. Hovercraft
3. Radio Control Shark
2. DJ Cat Scratch Turn Table
1. Flying Car
9. Top Ten Numbers
10. 9
9. 10
8. Pi to 5 decimal places (anything more is too pretentious, anything less is too naive)
7. 59
6. 23
5. 99
4. 66
3. 7-11
2. 1
1. 666 (because it drives religious zealots nuts, which is ironic, because they are already mentally disturbed to begin with).
And...
10. Top Ten Jeff Blauser Hiding Locations
10. Between 2B and Third
9. Fulton County
8. Tom Glavine's Guest House
7. John Smoltz's Woodshed
6. At a Royce Clayton charity benefit dinner
5. Behind the knurled wheel of a Buick LeSabre
4. New York Mets Front Office
3. South Dakota
2. At a Rammstein Concert
1. Beneath a pile of house cats
