Just What In The Hell Are The Detroit Tigers Doing During Their Off Days?

Their bullpen can’t find the strike zone, their hitters can’t string base hits together, and their third base coach has no idea whether or not an elephant-sized sloth should be sent home on a play at the plate.

This is all too reminiscent of 2006.

The momentum coming to a screeching halt. Clutch hitting evaporating into the ether. The ball not bouncing the Tigers way. Things Detroit fans can now say "they've seen before."

It leads many of those fans to wonder. Just what in the hell are the Detroit Tigers doing during these lay-offs between the ALCS and the World Series that has them coming in playing so flat?

Here are a few ideas:

Prank Calling Doug Fister

Miguel Cabrera looks like he’s always willing to have a good time. Hell, his consistent off-the-field incidences make it hard to believe anything otherwise. Odds are that he, Omar Infante, and the former Tiger Carlos Guillen are up in the late hours of the night blabbering Spanish gibberish into Doug Fister’s voicemail.

Malt Liquor Nights With Miguel

The precursor to the point above. The boys must be out boozing every night with Cabrera, and then prank calling Fister in a barrage of incoherent group voice messages when they should've been watching film of Barry Zito adjusting the bill of his cap. 

Octavio Dotel Plays Shuffleboard

Octavio Dotel is both old and should be retired. So he should be playing shuffleboard.

Gerald Laird Eats Too Many Hot Wings

Gerald Laird just looks like a guy that loves two things more than anything else:  1. Eating hot wings, and 2. Licking his fingers after eating hot wings. 

In game 2, he made a hell of a throw during the bottom of the 8th on a stolen base by Pagan, but outside of that, he looks like he’s battling for his life against a food coma. 

Austin Jackson Finally Got Around To Watching The Twilight Saga

Jackson suddenly appears to be frightened by pasty-skinned men with subtle facial hair. Yet another side-effect of watching Twilight that still makes you a pussy.

Verlander Inflames Elbow Washing Year-old Trophies

You’d think the guy could afford to have someone apply some carnuba to his Cy Young and MVP awards from 2011. But I guess not. I guess that’s just how people do things in Goochland. Doing things yourself if you want them done right.

Also, the entirety of that previous paragraph was a metaphor. And that last sentence was for Slow Jimmy. He is not always quick to the draw, but he's an avid reader of TWID, so we need to spell things out for him once in a while. 

Jim Leyland Tries Nicoderm CQ, Loses His Edge

Jim Leyland is a brilliant man with a brilliant baseball mind. But what separates him from just about every other manager in the Bigs? His edge. How does he get his edge? By being the world’s last surviving Marlboro Man. 

With a long break from the intensity of postseason baseball, he has no reason to lean on one of his vices as a coping mechanism. He begins to forget about the battle at hand and begins to think about his health. He quits cold turkey and the nicotine withdrawal throws his body out of equilibrium. 

The point being this:

When you’re the mind, heart, soul, and CPU of the Tigers, you can’t afford to be out of equilibrium.

Luckily for the Tigers, what the Giants did in going up 2-0 was not considered 'legitimate rape.' So it looks like they can still make a series out of this.