Can we just raise the white flag and concede that pretty much everyone we know was on steroids back in the late 90s?
Lance Armstrong is just the latest from the line of Canseco to find his butt on the distal end of a syringe needle. And although he may have fought the hardest of any to preserve his false integrity, he'll still eventually be filed into a folder labeled "PED Users."
Journalists are going to pursue every loose end of the story, re-reveal typical behavior from the human spectrum, and exhaust every angle of interest. But something that won't be covered, won't move the meter, and probably won't even be tweet-worthy is the discussion of the high-profile athletes who didn't cheat.
The burden of proof doesn't even come into play here. It's so obvious that these guys didn't cheat (either because they didn't need to, or because they had a physique a puberty-denied teenager wouldn't be jealous of), that if they got caught someday, we'd think the news source unwittingly cited The Onion.
Since many have received little notoriety for not being infamous, I've decided to finally give them their just recognition. To make a gesture toward those in professional sports that didn't fit the Herculean mold. Who proudly carried themselves upon chicken legs and did what most other athletes could do, but with effeminate arms. I decided to create: The Craig Counsell Award.
An award praising the likeness of its namesake and recognizing those who never exceeded their daily allowance in "Vitamin B injections."
A semi-exclusive club that doesn't hand out plaques to post 1996 Roger Clemens'. A group of frail individuals who could never belt 73 home runs during their 16th Big League season. A group of men anatomically similar to Craig Counsell.
Greg Maddux, put on your glasses and come up to accept your award!
I'm looking at you, Tayshaun Prince! There's nothing engraved on here that says anything about arm length!
There's a trophy for you too, Doug Flutie! We know your only hidden edge was Flutie Flakes...
I thank each and every one of you for accepting your awards and for saying no to synthesized drugs... Now I'm gonna get out of here before I start thinking about you guys spending time at the beach!
