Been survivin' on cactus milk and tobacco spit ever since I got here... W-I-L-D M-Y-A-N... WILD MAN!
Imagine a place where the climate is arid. Imagine a place void of precipitation. Where the food is scarce, where Mother Nature is her most frugal. Now imagine the Chihuahuan desert of the Southwestern United States. Because this is that exact place. And If you can imagine that, even for just one second, a place this harsh, then it is not a stretch of the imagination to imagine a man even harsher. A man by the name of...
WILDMYAN!
An ignorant Southwestern desert recluse, Wildmyan has been isolated from civilization since he ran from his parents Kentucky homestead at the age of 7. Knowing few words, Wildmyan was ill-equipped to survive in the civilized world, hence he took to the wild. Assimilating what he could, when he could.
Highly untrained in linguistics, and socially unintelligent, Wildmyan became a one-of-a-kind freak of nature. A freak of nature dressed in flannel and army surplus boots... and steam punk goggles.
Wildmyan's Prey of Choice
It didn't take long for Wildmyan to transform from 7 year old vagabond into Southwestern Desert recluse. How he ended up in the Southwestern corner of the continental U.S. is a mystery. But maybe it's because he didn't belong anywhere else. Because he did not fit in with "people." The only thing tying him back to the civilized world was his oft-repeated catchphrase:
"W-I-L-D-M-Y-A-N.... WILD MAN!"
Although as intellectually fascinating as a Toyota Camry, Wildmyan attacks life with a specific brand of of tenacity. He knows no limit to his movement, and appears to be unable to cap his own adrenaline.
Over the course of his first 9 years living in the wild desert, Wildmyan had learned to become the only known human able to capture the fleet-winged cactus wren, bludgeon it lifeless, and thoroughly assimilate its nourishment. He did this so often it seemed hedonic. Sometimes he would strike from the ground, and sometimes he would strike from the high heights of the needled peak of the great Saguaro cactus.
Where did Wild Man get that tattered straw hat? Who the hell knows... he's WILDMYAN!
Wildmyan is undomesticated, uncivilized, and unable to control any of his verbal outbursts. Luckily for the rest of us, he has a very limited lexicon. Which he tends to repeat as if plagued by dementia.
One day, January 26th of 2004 to be exact, Wildmyan decided to explore beyond the desolate confines of the Southwest.
He doesn't know who the Pope is, he doesn't know who the President is, and he certainly doesn't know who Justin Bieber is. For he is WILDMYAN! The wild desert rose that feasts on a diet high in Cactus Wren and Cactus Milk. Truth be told, all he really knows is how to hunt, kill, and hide his scent. Along with predictable execution of catch phrase #1. There is absolutely nothing systematic about him... He's WILDMYAN!
Where is WildMyan now? What has he been up to? What species of fauna has he squashed?
Looks like you'll just have to stay tuned to the next installment of... WILDMYAN!
Need more Unencumbered Dude content? How about this? Or this? Or... This
