Up-tempo rock music. Blood. Guts. Shrapnel. Fire! Those are the five key ingredients to any good action movie, and a complete part of Michael Bay's breakfast. But what if we adjust the proportions of each of those ingredients? For example: HEAVY METAL. Blood. GUTS. SCHHHHRAPNEL! FIRE!!! And then insert SEX!
Too much adrenaline? Or is this what a “full throttle” niche in America has been craving all along? Non-stop action, nitro-fueled steel shredding guitar riffs, predictably hot babes with extremely white teeth getting rescued, a hero who can kick just about anyone’s ass while making just about anyone that crosses him appear both impotent and inept, and the clincher, FIRE!
Once produced, your action movie franchise can guarantee one of two things: 1) a 400 million dollar midsummer pay day or 2) an insane amount of royalty checks from multiple appearances on Action Max and/or a keyword infiltration into a Netflix algorithm.
As Rambo, Predator, and Terminator defined a generation of dudes before, now comes the action movie series for dudes of our generation. A series of serials not starring Shia LaBeouf: EXPLOSION!
EXPLOSION I: Die Until You’re Dead
What makes an action movie great has a lot to do with how it looks before it’s even released. The sub-title is essential. The poster design and marketing campaign are neck-and-neck in secondary importance. If you don’t have an equally badass and dutifully cheesy sub-title, you might as well forget going to theaters in the first place.
EXPLOSION II: The Beast Returns
It is also crucial that your sequels are numbered with Roman numerals. The 80’s are over, and the likes of Lethal Weapon and Beverly Hills Cop are behind us. If you want your box office numbers to swell, then stick with numbers that have stood the test of time. Also, to further insure the production of more movies, you need to satisfy another key element, in that something needs to come back. In this case, Explosion II delicately reveals that “The Beast” does in fact return.
Once you’ve established your sequel, it’s time to get back to the studio and kick production into high gear. All great action movie franchises have made too many movies. Remember, it’s all about excess….
EXPLOSION III: Blood Faucet
Heavy fuel and a steady drip
EXPLOSION IV: Dead-O-Nation
Never underestimate the importance of a good pun. This shows your audience that your creative reach exceeds more than just blood and gore.
EXPLOSION V: Undercover Kill Zone
EXPLOSION VI: Blood Faucet 2
EXPLOSION VII: Rattlesnake Diaries
After you have made too many movies, it’s time to make one more. The notable concept here is that the sub-title should get a little softer, and make a little less sense than its predecessors. You’re now raking in the dough, which is probably a guaranteed $20 million after production costs (which are even more streamlined since you’re still earning off of the first installments of the franchise).
EXPLOSION VIII: 20 Years Later
EXPLOSION IX: Sinister Allies
EXPLOSION X: Blood Wreath: The Final Showdown
You have now sold the rights to your action movie franchise. Many years after the last movie you produced, the subject matter and trademarked titles will be reintroduced to a new generation of action moviegoers. The newly assigned producers will usually follow the blueprint laid out by your first seven action movies, and will definitely do their best to not forget what made your action movies so action-packed. They will also remember to include “blood” in the final sub-title. And by this time, you and Bruce Willis are going to be very, very rich.
