First off, the King of America needs to command pop culture. Not lead it, but command it. Basically, if pop culture had a focal point, he'd be in it. He'd both be impervious to and at the same time accepting the height of scrutiny. Akin to how Michael Jackson was the "King of Pop" a couple decades back, but being a presence more pseudo-authoritative.
Since this is, This Week in Dude, we will of course provide our analysis from the male end of the spectrum.
Let's list some requisite qualifications for the King of America. If he's gonna be our King, he's gonna have to play by our rules. Let's first start with personality traits.
Personality Traits
1. Styx Fan
- From Blue Collar Man to Renegade and even all the way to Boat on the River, our King will have to bleed hard synth rock and be a true Styx fan, if not a former member of this outfit and/or roadie.
2. At Times a Vapid Hot Dog Consumer
- Just as vapidly as each personality trait contains several capitalized words, our King will never be "too good" to enjoy a good dog. Topping it off with relish and mustard will also go a long way.
3. Will Veto the Right for Nickelback to Produce Music
- The power of veto will no longer be exclusive to the Commander in Chief. With this duty, the power of Nickelback will be reduced to nothing. Freedom of good decision making will trump freedom of choice in any matters regarding this horrible band and their pursuit to produce sound.
4. Enjoys Baseball
- A man who will not forget America's true pastime. He doesn't have to agree with Bud Selig by any means, but he will take any means necessary to keep baseball an American establishment overshadowed by Latin born talent.
5. Master of the Longhorn Wave- The new hand gesture of a leader will transition from Richard Nixon's dual peace sign wave to the true emblem of a dude... the longhorn hand gesture... AKA the "Hang Ten Dude."
6. Four Day Work Weeks, Three Day Weekends
- The King will know how to party, how to emcee parties, and how to work "4 10s" week in and week out.
7. Must Have One Vice
- The King of America must fully embody that which is dude, for the dude is his most numerous constituent. He must have one vice from the following laundry list of vices: alcohol, cigars, cigarettes, smokeless tobacco, and/or a steady gambling addiction.
Trying to find a man that meets more than 7 elements of a rubric such as this is incredibly daunting even for a King of America candidate. These stringent requirements however will greatly narrow down the search and greatly help America find her first King.
Will the rigors of meeting each and every requirement above rule out possible celebrities and sports icons? Yeah, probably all of the shitty ones. See ya Chad Kroeger!
Now that we've ruled out Nickelback's Frontman, let's move on to further subjective analysis...
What will the King's duties be?
Thankfully... TWID has provided another ordered list!
The King's Duties
1. Determine the Worthiness of Pop Culture
- What's in, what's out, what's on the rise, and what's on the decline. The King will have the final say on matters of popular cultural influence and acceptance. Without politics to get in the way, this could prove to be interesting.
2. Wear a God Damn Cape
- This should actually be duty number 1.
3. Play his Music Loud
- The King gets entrance music, a shuffle of theme songs, and he can play his music as loud as he damn well pleases. He is the King, and his appearance must be heard from the hills of San Francisco all the way to the flatlands of Rhode Island. Screw trumpets... play some Crue.
4. Obtain a Magical Hall of Fame Vote
- It seems that each year, either in baseball or in football, a hall of fame worthy candidate gets blackballed by a group of writers that never played the game, and continue to maintain some sort of illogically-biased grudge. Through prudent discretion, the King would be granted the right to override a vote from any writer of his choosing. Hopefully he'll use this discretion to silver ball (what's the opposite of black ball without sounding racist?) a deserving candidate instead of adding to the ridiculous amount of power that sportswriters already have.
5. Retire to Stud
- Lest we forget, "Royalty" is and always has been synonymous with preferred "breeding."
Now that we have the King's 7 prerequisites, and his 5 duties, maybe we can finally put the Jersey Shore stigma behind the land of the Free. Although the show is entertaining to watch, America would much rather be like the friend at the party that people are laughing with then the one the people are laughing at.
Many say that America is a Christian nation, and it seems that many more agree with that statement. However, America is also (albeit less obviously) an incredibly Pagan nation. Whether we're willing to face this or not, we worship icons as if they were gods. We immerse ourselves in celebrity gossip. We dress like, act like, and emulate people we don't even really know, but deeply adore. Outside of what we purport to be what we actually believe, we believe in what others purport if it seems ideal to us. Many of us identify ourselves through the identities of other people... many of whom are notable.
Given that last paragraph, the idea of a "King of America" doesn't really seem like much of a stretch anymore.
