The Unwritten Bylaws Of Man: Installment 1
What follows is an amendment to an unpublished and furthermore unwritten Constitution. A Constitution that governs Man. A collection of unwritten rules that someday may be law, and in the meantime deserve observance.
But before getting into the Unwritten Bylaws Of Man, first a few bylaws:
Let's keep the syllables limited, and refer to these "bylaws" as "rules." Good? Good!
Also, let's number the rules arbitrarily so as to not accidentally place favorable importance on any of the rules based on their chronology.
I will also number these rules akin to pre-XP Microsoft Windows versions. This should further place their meaningfulness on a level playing field.
And one more thing... I don't care if Men's Health has an article just like this linked to every other tweet... I'm still going to commit this to public consumption shamelessly.
Rule 19.2.4: Manspace (The Intimate Bubble)
When you're about to select a bathroom stall in which to drop off your lion's share of digestables, and you see several open stalls, but only one occupied, DO NOT mount on the plastic saddle in a stall adjacent one that is occupied. Give that guy his Manspace. Don't violate his "Intimate Bubble."
Same thing goes for treadmills at the gym, computers at the library, and seats on any form of Public Transit.
Rule 26.6.4.3.9: Letting Another Dude Talk
Treat "Weekend War-Story Exchange Time" as if you are talking to your buddy on a walkie-talkie. Let him finish telling his before you begin yours.
Rule 11.11.7: Seven-Eleven Lottery Ticket Purchasing Etiquette
Seven-Eleven is best for Taquitos, soggy smoked turkey sandwiches, energy drinks, a two-pack of condoms, and Skoal mint. So if you're buying lottery tickets, make sure you realize that you are holding the loyal consumers of these aforementioned products in queued purgatory, and you better be hasty in your transaction if you don't want any trouble.
Rule 44.9.23: Hating Nickelback Is Out, Not Purchasing Lottery Tickets At 7-11 Is In
Everyone South of the Canadian border has taken a shot at Nickelback. Let's now raise awareness about something equally as lousy, and reduce the proliferation of that as well. Don't put pressure on yourself to remain vogue. Put pressure on yourself to not be an aloof asshole.
Rule 25.7.6: Stop Comparing Yourself To A Major League Shortstop
Stop wearing the high-priced gear, stop acting as if playing on the "club team" in college somehow gave you athletic prowess and social clout, and stop being a recreational sport prima donna.
Rule 40.13: Ron John Surf Shop Clothes Were Last Seen "Being Cool" In 1996
You should probably throw out any Mossimo threads you might own as well.
Rule 15.5.24: By No Means Do You Ever Get A Spray Tan
Going for the Jersey look is a shore thing if you're looking to get pigeonholed and ridiculed.
Rule 26.8.17: Being A Hipster Reduces Masculinity By 46%
Constantly complaining about issues that you'll never proactively affect with action takes care of the other 54.
Rule 22.2.4: Throwing Up Is Still Pretty Cool At Any Age
Barfing, heaving, and hurling are all accepted forms of territorial behavior for a guy around his dudes. Not a cool thing to do around the XX's, but nearly a rite of passage amongst the XY's. So if you had too much BBQ, just let it fly out of your esophagus and get back to gluttony.
Rule 27.25: Only Orange County Women Care About Your Credit Card Limit
If you're gonna brag about something to the fellas, why not show them how many Foster's oil cans you can slam? Or how far you can heave a truck tire? Or anything that is easily more manly than saying "Check out my black plastic."
Rule 65.7.5.2: Be Careful When Revealing Your Irish Heritage
The rest of your ethnicity may have did you in. If you're going to tell people you're Irish, they might just expect you to be able to house a 6 pack of Guinness in under 15 minutes. Blame this on all of those "Allegedly Irish Guys" that perpetuate tall tales of heavy drinkers (read: messy alcoholics) from yore. If you're observant, you'll notice that a lot of these bylaws place their contingency on alcohol consumption. Which is a great skill to have if you can imbibe heavy quantity without waking up in a Mexican jail cell.
Rule 43.22.1: PBR And Pabst Are Related And Identical
PBR stands for "Pabst Blue Ribbon," and is an obvious subsidiary of Pabst (sorry about that, passionate fans of Professional Bull Riding). The two identities are also nearly interchangeable. You would be surprised how much conversation is wasted due to dudes not knowing their acronyms. Be aware of your acronyms. Be perceptive of your Pilsners. And know that PBR is actually a lager.
Rule 56.1.5: Construct A Masturbatory
Looks like an ice shanty from the outside, looks like a back alley NYC sex booth on the inside. Place it in the middle of a secluded room, and use it for one use only. Yes, it is exactly what you think it is. Don't forget to replenish the tissue supply.
Rule 12.2.5: The World's Best Nightcap
1.5 shots of Whiskey, 1/5 table spoon of honey, 1 cup of green or black tea.
Let's let that last rule serve as a nightcap to this installment of UBOM as well. Understand that you can only assimilate a handful of legal code at a time. Keep your eyes peeled for future amendments and don't forget to adhere to what you just absorbed.
