Sergeant Speedo
Who commands his privates from behind a man thong? Sergeant Speedo.
Who ransacks the lairs of villains in a loincloth? Sergeant Speedo.
Who swiffers his kitchen from the comfort of his banana hammock? Sergeant Speedo.
Who dispatches armed muggers while wearing nut huggers? Sergeant Speedo.
"Is that camouflage over your genitals or am I just blinded by your bulge?" This is the typical query asked of Sergeant Speedo, and it is usually the only question asked of him, since he shortly thereafter asserts his supreme and inherent authority. Arguably the only heterosexual and/or non-European to dedicatedly don a speedo, Sgt. Speedo is a one-of-a-kind military man.
He is not exactly affiliated with the military, but he is a man of uniform, and his uniform is a forest green and tan accented ball-binder.
Yes he's intimidating, and yes he is tough to maintain eye contact with, and if you ever were to confront Sarge Speedo, just keep these two words in your verbal response holster: 'yes, sir!'
But the times, they are a changin', and with the dawn of the likes of Sergeant Speedo, don't be surprised if it becomes commonplace to find more domineering figures wearing scant crotch fabric that appears to be the only barrier from what seems to be a curved cucumber flanked by two nectarines. A man who embodies a true fruit of the loom that aligns the fruit of the loins.
Besides, why wear a badge of honor or sewed-on chevrons when you bleed militant prowess from your hyper masculine physique and booming package?
Who faces the line of fire while exclusively wearing airtight hot pants? Sergeant Speedo.
Who wears dental floss in his ass crack while instructing his front lines to fall back? Sergeant Speedo.
Who executes executive orders all the while having precisely groomed pubic hair borders? Sergeant Speedo.
Before we can move on to the present, let's dudegress to a little bit of a back story. Born with the given name, S.S. Peedo, our humbly clothed hero got his start as a modest stock boy down at a burgeoning shipyard, and diligently worked his way up into the highest branch of service in the Dude militia and adopted his current name and title, Sergeant Speedo.
Starting out as a Puerto Rican pallet handler, his first tale of Dudedom came from that very Port of Rick. One day while lifting a wooden pallet from one place to another place roughly fifteen feet toward the other part of the ship, S.S. Peedo and a crane hook crossed paths. Before he could be lifted to certain demise however, his deckhand suit gave way and he fell into a pile of fertilizer. Emerging from the fertilizer to the amusement of other ship hands, S.S. Peedo realized that he was wearing nothing but his undergarments, which consisted solely of briefs. Given the tough environment at the ship yard, and the difficult task of establishing camaraderie, S.S. Peedo quickly realized that he had to overcome being the object of everyone elses amusement. How did he cope with this? By no other method than that of boisterous intimidation. And it worked. At that very moment, the seeds had been sewn for a scantily clad drill sergeant who definitely looked like a male stripper.
Who reams the weak minded with a phallic display that is blinding? Sergeant Speedo.
Who directs his subordinates while barely clothing his ornaments? Sergeant Speedo.
After the tan lines were filled in, S.S. Peedo quickly enlisted and nearly as quick, ascended to the top of the ranks. In what seemed to be a short time, S.S. Peedo usurped the title of Sergeant Speedo, and became equal parts drill sergeant and American hero.
Thanks to his courage in overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds, we can now thank Sergeant Speedo for reprising the role of a true leader. He forcefully became the man where the buck reaches its terminus, for better and for worse, being the fearless leader at the top of the Dude hierarchy to which all conflicts are officially resolved through the rash and instantaneous process of ultimate decision making. For this, TWID is proud to bestow upon you, a member of the dude legion, the story of Sergeant Speedo.
Who has found the enemy and shot them, all while going rogue and wearing a bikini bottom? Well... none other than... General G-String.
