The Heat Wave Of 2012

Just what will be the most memorable headlining pun epitomizing the 'Heat Wave of 2012?'

Helter Swelter?

Incandescent Exposure?

50 Shades Of Haze?

Like those above puns, this heat wave pretty much sucked... vehemently.

During the scorching Summer of 2012, the lack of a viable Republican presidential nominee wasn't the only thing taking a toll.

Temperatures that you would expect in Death Valley, Tempe, or your Uncle's poorly ventilated woodshed were a common occurrence throughout much of the lower 48 states. Everyone was influenced, except for a small community surrounding a fisherman's wharf in San Diego.

Just how bad was it?

It was so hot, woodwind instruments wouldn't work outside.

It was so hot, Walt Disney almost thawed, and Hollywood Executives began to worry.

It was so hot, Kirstie Alley lost weight.

Holy shit.

"Oh, it's only going to be 99 today" was a common online chat exchange during cold fronts. Champions of Global Warming could barely breathe in between talking about ice caps. Perhaps some of their hot air contributed to this, perhaps not. We're not here to dispute something that scientists warned would happen way back in the 1970s, but it's no reason to leave a hippie green movement bandwagoner and blowhard off the hook. No matter how harsh the immediate climate, they're still very annoying.

But truly worse than the trumpets of the zealots, was this inescapable heat. It wreaked havoc on nearly everything we owned. Turning bold colors into pastels, turning leather into Clint Eastwood's face. The ecosystem had turned on us.

Facebook nearly went down due to bandwidth issues caused by uploaded photos of dashboard temperature consoles. Eggs were being fried more efficiently on these dashboards as well. Cats became even crazier Internet sensations.

Rick Reilly started to make sense. The heat was getting to all of us.

Things became so dire, Gale Sayers almost came out of hiding.

When it wasn't hotter than Hades, a few Genesis chapters 6-9 rainstorms blasted the coasts. Knocking out power, contributing to gridlock, and taking people away from their beloved Twitter. Then before the electricity could re-innervate, the intense heat swooped back in and destroyed what was perishable. Honey Vanilla Greek yogurt appeared all the more disgusting.

This almost unprecedented heat streak was precedented only by things of a Drysdale'ian, Hersheis'ian, Dimaggio'an, and Ripken'ien nature. The nature of this elongated inferno, showed just how Mother Nature can still make loud statements. And all before Tropical Storm season.

It was as if Earth had a fever. And no, not a penchant for more cowbell.