We all have strange Uncles. Shit, some of us have strange Aunts. Unfortunately, this piece isn’t about crazy Mom-sisters like your rapidly-aging Aunt Ruth, or your abominable Aunt Margaret. This is a tractate of one crazy uncle — by the name of Randy — who likes to give mention to women’s unmentionables.
TWID PRESENTS (A JOSEF COCKBURN PRODUCTION):
UNCLE RANDY’S HOSIERY CORNER
“Chewing tobacco will give you cancer. But if you don’t spend enough time in Target sniffing women’s under-leggings, you’ll totally get cancer too, and you’ll get it right up in your butt.”
Randall Manbrier is passionate about pantyhose — their feel, their look, and their integumentary resiliency. This pursuit is not at all sexual, for Randy it’s academic business. Uncle Randy has systematically devoured the innovations of women hosiery from 1986-1992 and rejoined in 1997, after a 5-year hiatus in which he attempted to grow a fish pond. The fire roars today as it has roared for the last two decades -- and the six years before that weird time with the fish pond.
Yes, I am referring to that Randall Manbrier, the star of “AFTERHOURS FIREHOSE IV” — the world's number-one grossing pornographic film. A movie most of you have seen, but none will admit to watching.
“Yer barkin’ up the wrong tree, Randy” his dad Oswald would always rebuff (and he wasn’t even talking about Randy’s disturbing foray into male-on-male-on-frightened-gelding pornography). But Uncle Randy didn’t care that his father didn’t care for his hosiery neurosis, he was too engrossed. This hosiery hound would never lose the scent.
Being an aficionado for so long, Uncle Randy knows the ins and outs of the feminine undergarment business. He can spot a run in your lining before you even open the package. If he doesn’t completely terrify you, he can be a terrific asset. As long as you can tolerate a man with rabid post-nasal drip.
“Shoot first, ask questions later!” Randy barks to the photographer on set. Silk linens in the background, Uncle Randy in the sun. The latest catalogue of women’s underwear looks fantastic on Randy. He’s carefully groomed his leg hairs so they don’t protrude through the sheer garments. He has thought of everything. Uncle Randy is a professional.
Like his last eleven periodicals, Randy has knocked this one out of the park, and his fringe audience will surely be pleased.
“All in a day’s work,” Randy concedes...
When he really meant to say “All in a life’s work.”
