What Kind of People Would Cheese Be?

Put your collective minds at ease, Dudes. The thought that has pushed your blood-brain-barrier to the brink of aneurysm will finally be heard.

Q: What kind of people would cheese be?


Cheddar - hard working, industrious, a blue collar that backs down to nobody. More American than American cheese, and god damn proud of it!

Gouda - seems like a decent dude, but there's something a little off. Not known to be very sexually attractive. Honorable but for some reason not noble. When you figure out what it is, you've turned your attention to hanging out with other cheeses.

Provolone - only seems funny because he steals everyones jokes. What he brings to the table is already there.

Muenster - he's trying this "duality thing" but he's a fake just like provolone. And when he's sliced thin enough, we can't even tell the difference.

American - not sure if he's worth such a great country's namesake. Pretty sure he's made from carcinogenic plastic. Wears campus bookstore t-shirts.

Swiss - definitely not neutral on taste, and quite the argumentative fellow. But usually his logic is flawed since his arguments are filled with holes.

White American - neat freak. Went to Vanderbilt. Can't stand to have one hair out of place. Hates people that work with their hands. But otherwise a really nice person who's worth getting to know.

Brie - relatively easy-going for a rich dude. Drives a Saab. Wears argyle everywhere.

Asiago - a bit pretentious since he merely drives a Nissan Altima. But otherwise, not a bad dude. He's got a ton of friends, and loves bagels.

Blue - rubs certain people the wrong way through no fault of his own. He likes football, baseball, UFC, dry rub wings, and mass amounts of pilsner. The people that like him genuinely appreciate him. They've got his back, and he's got theirs -- not afraid to fight dirty when a friend's about to get pummeled by a bouncer.

Parmesan - Sometimes you barely notice he is there. Quiet, meek, but willing to do anything if you ask -- Parmesan is one of your good-natured, non-obnoxious acquaintances.

Gruyere - He's always experiencing intestinal discomfort, the poor fella. He's an okay guy, but usually a dickish grump because of his ceaseless GI turmoil.

Colby Jack - the most pragmatic of the cheeses. Gets his compassion from his mother, Colby. Gets his spontaneity from his father, Monterey Jack.

Mozzarella - has an Italian accent even thicker than Parmesan. Great with patchwork.

Pepper Jack - this guy is always a wild card. He's probably at the end of the bar drinking a hard nightcap, with a witty remark in holster ready to draw during an ice breaker. What he says usually gets taken the wrong way.

Havarti - Exotic. Well-behaved. Nice dresser. Dirty dancer.

And that's the tale of 16 cheeses -- if they were people. And if they followed the stereotypical guidelines I just made up... for Cheese People.

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