Hugo Bandaña: Barefoot in España


Barefoot in España

You can run with the bulls or you can be the Bull. Or you can hide from the Bulls. What I'm saying here, is that there are options.

In a perfect world, this scenario is strictly ambiguous. Which works for the sake of analogy, and AND1 t-shirts. But life is not simulated reality. It's real Reality. And in this real Reality there can be just one true Bull. A Bull that's bullier than any Bull. A Bull that goes by the name Hugo Bandaña. A Bull with uranium balls.

Present Day Spain

Although Hugo stands a meager 5'7", he packs the power of a sexually depraved badger. One brush with Hugo Bandaña and you'll be pulverized into human goulash. Then served to your family the following Thanksgiving. Luckily for your sake, he uses his powers for pursuit of common good. He makes criminals pay... with their debit card.

A bull silhouette in Spain, it's big.
Present Day Spain

Some people have said he's a descendant of Hercules, and some have argued that he's a descendant of Zeus. The latter of those people are idiots. Others have postulated that he resembles a modern-day Spanish Knute Rockne, but with the ability to grow antlers... which in his case, is feasible.

A leather bandana sits movably snug about his forehead, the skin beneath coarse and cracking. He wears what appears to be a woman's silky blouse, but masculates the shit out of it. His shoes are absent. His feet calloused enough to handle the most acute terrain. Hugo Bandaña is built for war, but functions as an inside mercenary.

Born in early '88, his seed was planted during the hot Summer of '87. His mother suffered through a lengthy gestation that was brutal and awkward. Once he triumphantly slid down that birth canal, he shocked the midwives when they discovered that most of his motor skills were already finely-tuned. Hugo Edgarisimo Bandaña was born like a giraffe, walking upon exit from his mother's vagina.

He had soon cemented the habits that made him so influential. He improved his inadequacies, and adopted good neuromuscular habits. He lived an eager lifestyle. Awake with the worms, and in bed with the owls. Sleeping rarely, capitalizing frequently. By the age of 10 he was lethal, by the time he hit his second round of puberty, he was deadly. A 12 year old that was more valuable to the Spanish government than a German issued Panzer.

A Panzer from Germany. Another name for tank
Spanish Panzer

Hugo's Superb Spanish Powers

Upon his second pubescence, Hugo had amassed the following short list of "Can-Dos." All of which were recorded by a Spanish scribe as follows:

Hugo Bandaña can run through dry wall, he can ascend frictionless surfaces, he can row boats with just one oar, he can drink an entire bottle of Geritol™ in 45 seconds, he can properly fold a department store sweater, he can shoot the 3-ball, he can eat mass amounts of human hair, he knows how to pilot aircraft, he can train a barn owl, he can create a 2-passenger raft from corrugated cardboard, he can drive a tank, he can see through tissue paper, he can eat a tube of frosting, he can vomit on command, he can precisely imitate a salamander, he can squirt hollandaise from his tear ducts, he can comfort a diseased bear, he can knit, he can crochet, he can invent words like snarch, igrotesticle, and bufowl, he can program a robot, he can disarm a robot, he can love a robot, he can disarm a robot while making love to said robot once he's programmed it, he can correctly label any star in the Southern sky, he can make a Nordic Strongman blush, he can watch most movies without blinking, he knows everything there is to know about pottery, he can explain the ending to the Sopranos, he can stretch water balloons with one tug, he can juggle 8 balls, he can sleep vertically, he can hot-wire a Chevy Corsica, he can dodge rain drops, and he can read at an 8th grade level. The list of what he can't do... is obviously much shorter.

The scribe unfortunately died of "list-making induced exhaustion," but what he did record was of great value. Persuasive enough for the Spanish government to enlist him as an operative. A decision that has paid off diez-fold.

This set the table for Hugo's first dance with danger. Set in a place known as... España... of which he's now responsible for the secret defense of their perimeter. España, known to many as the "Kingdom of España." And known to nearly as many as the conceptive home of ESPÑ - The Tilde was the perfect storm for an unstoppable interior mercenary. A tourist hot-hub with it's fair share of criminal masterminds, protected in the interim by the enigmatic one-man arsenal, Hugo Bandaña.

But this isn't the time for a story. It's the place for a backstory. And this has been the backstory of Hugo Bandaña.

To Be Continued...

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