I am not a great grower of facial hair. Never have been --and unless Science takes an unusual and useless turn-- I never will be.
Two weeks of growing time places me somewhere between Joe Dirt and a speculated pedophile.
Not good.
But just because I can't grow a great manface myself doesn't mean I should go about the rest of my days sulking in beard envy. Instead I'm gonna exult them, and honor the men behind the beards.
In that essence, here are the beards, 'burns, goatees, and mutton chops -- that in my mind -- are an uncut above the rest:
Sam Elliott
He owns the most complete mustache to date. When in a jam, his mustache easily converts into an industrial strength push broom.
Kimbo Slice
He was the biggest bad ass in MMA until he got his bad ass kicked. Thankfully for his ego, the beard remained intact.
Jeff Bagwell
He looked like a buff Irish Buddha in his playing days, blasting homers during the best years of 'roid ball.
Zach Galifianakis
His persona subtly funny, his beard frighteningly large.
Craig Stadler
Another shout out to 'stache. Unlike your traditional walrus, Craig Stadler carries most of his weight on his upper lip, a la Mike Holmgren.
Joaquin Phoenix
Having enough beard to subsist a family of five, the only limit to Joaquin Phoenix's ability is the surface area of his face.
Scott Ian
Pioneer of the "beardcicle," the rhythm guitarist for Anthrax knows two things well: 1. Maintaining a great chin troll, and 2. Giving insightful VH1 interviews.
Kenny Rogers
He carries a beard that screams "Standard Schnauzer." But rest assured ladies, word down in Nashville is that there's nothing "Standard" about his "Schnauzer."
General Ambrose Burnside
An oldie, but a goodie, General Burnside's last name was a very clever anagram for 'Sideburn.'
Jesus Christ
Believe in him or don't believe in him, it's okay. Just believe in the beard and you'll be saved.
