2013 is coming at us like a supercharged steam engine, and TWID has absolutely no idea how to ward it off.
So in a hasty way to remain relevant, and cut some fiscal corners by discontinuing our carrier pigeon program, TWID makes this offering to the gods. Not a list of resolutions, but a list of things that we gotta do, as dudes in a post-apocalyptic era.
A List Of Things We All Gotta Do: 2013
1. Get into more sword fights
2. Learn better swordsmanship
3. Somehow get up in a hot-air balloon
I'll cut to the chase, spoil the surprise, end the suspense, and let you know that these first three items are the most crucial. If you do anything away from the norm in 2013, please make sure that you get into a close-quartered sword fight at high elevation in a hot-air balloon.
4. Meet Sharon Stone
5. Meet Bill Pullman
6. Meet another obscure celebrity and tell them about your encounters with Sharon Stone and Bill Pullman
7. Visit every bar on Carson Street in Pittsburgh
I know, random. But Pittsburgh is just the right combination of East Coast bar upkeep and Midwest lack of tact. Even if you don’t prefer either approach, just trust me in telling you that it’s great to drink in excess in a nice city with a true blue-collar feel such as Pittsburgh.
8. Write the next great American novel
Lets see... vampires, sex, and magical protagonists seem to be all that is selling on the fiction tables at Barnes and Noble and getting attention from the New York Times. Given that reality, and the pace at which pop culture turns over ideas, why not just do the ole "Milk and Mash?" Milk a subgenre that appears to be working, and mash it up with other subgenres that are also successful. Then write about the sexcapades of a magical vampire. There’s your prompt, race you to the top.
9. Change your first name to an action verb, and then change it back
9. Change your first name to an action verb, and then change it back
Yeah, this will terminate the balance in your checking account, but when the day comes when your kids start to accuse you of being a lame old man, you can point to your days as an action verb.
10. Monopolize Touch-Tunes and play nothing but "Night Moves" by Bob Seger
This song sets such a great tone for a Saturday night at the bar. Of course after hearing it 42 times in one stint, it'll never have that effect again. But it'll always be a great "remember when?" story.
11. Pet a jungle cat
Tiger, Lion, Panther, Cheetah or Leopard. The risk of losing an extremity for the rush of petting the coat of a feline predator is always a fair trade.
12. Progressively thin your eyebrows until someone notices
Just a few hairs today, a few more hairs next week. First person to finally say "what the f***?" gets a reward worth the price of upholding your secret.
13. Understand who Studs Terkel was
If you want to try number 8, maybe you should examine number 13 first.
14. Have a 6PM Scotch-fueled business call
It doesn't matter the business, it just matters that a call is conducted somewhere from the bottom of a glass of good Scotch. TWID recommends Bowmore.
15. Get through 40 minutes of Dude, Man, F***
Take a drink each time any character on the movie "The Big Lebowski" says dude, man, or the F-bomb. The unofficial world record is 25 minutes.
16. Gain 30 pounds, then lose 30 pounds
Pull a true Christian Bale. Put it on through the gluttony of any number of gut-bombs (bacon cheeseburgers, chili dogs, pure mayonnaise, etc.). Then eat lean and work out like a fiend. Take self-photos throughout the process to show your progress and disturb your friends.
17. Listen to an album on CD from first song to last on a CD player
18. Use a water trampoline
Not sure that’s exactly what they’re called, but you know what I’m talking about.
19. Talk like a Public Address Announcer for a day
At least pretend that you have a voice for radio for a day. And don’t worry, your friends will eventually come back.
20. Play an entire game of Monopoly, and then burn the board and bury the house
21. Devote 5% of your taxable income to scratch-off lottery tickets
It's the closest thing you can do to 'living with the homeless' without 'living with the homeless.'
22. Like Sawyer Brown on Facebook
2013 is a year to be gutsy.
23. Do a Polar Plunge
Most cold-weather communities do this. It's also called a Polar Bear Swim. Don't worry, your heart shouldn't stop permanently.
24. Pick up a Bavarian dialect
There are 3... choose wisely.
25. Paint a giant canvas
At least 4 by 6 feet, and feel free to get sloppy.
26. Perform a Charity Drinking Telethon (or Skype-a-thon)
First, learn how to set up a live feed. Second, sign off on your liver. Once you're ready and committed, and you've facebook ad-whored the shit out of your drink-a-thon, find someone to take calls, texts, and inboxes and keep track of the charitable pledges. Set a dollar amount equivalent to an amount of alcohol that you'll imbibe, and remember that you're doing this for the children.
27. Consume everything on the Starbucks menu
Even the Bistro Boxes.
28. Swan dive into three different Oceans
If you’re residing in North America, I say definitely go for the Atlantic and Pacific. After that, it’s a toss-up between Indian and Arctic.
29. Compose an equally eclectic list of challenges for 2014
If any of you out there somehow accomplish all of these tasks, and you aren’t Vladimir Putin, please tell TWID your story.
