TWID's Guide To Halloween Costuming

6000 years ago, man had just two costumes: Bear Coat and Deer Skin. 4000 years ago, some began to wear silk. But back in those times, it was either wear clothes or move to the Tropic of Cancer. And considering most people did not know that warmer places even existed, the latter option was out of the question. Their attire repertoire was so limited that “dressing up for fun and silly times” was about as egregious of an idea as a Sun-centered solar system.

Look how far we have come.

Look! I can transform into a drunk!

Halloween is the one time a year you can be something that you’re not. If you want to be a pirate, you can be a pirate. If you want to be a monster and scare the bejesus out of impressionable 6 year-olds, then you can, and it’s your god-given right. If you want to be a vampire and win over more ladies than expected, then go for it. You can be completely in character as another identity and nobody will criticize you because they understand the celebration of this unique holiday. 

But you already know all of this. You’ve been Halloweening for years. You’ve been dressing up in late October since the time you could say only 6 words, and half of them were “Trick or Treat.” You’ve been a pro at this since the day you discovered that a pillow case could hold the greatest candy haul. Let’s not tell you any more of what already know.

Let’s instead divulge something upon you more non sequitir. Something you probably expected to hear from TWID, but nonetheless out of the ordinary. Something that goes deeper into creeper than the Crypt Keeper. And at the very least, offers up an assemblage of asinine costume ideas that just might be crazy enough to work for you. 

So scroll down, and feel free to sport these at your upcoming balls.

And galas! 

A Soul Striding Solo 

Manifold Man
- Just like it sounds. You aren’t just simply distilled into the person you are, and neither is this costume. You are a man of many avenues, and what better way to show that than to have several distinct fluid conduits extending from the backbone of your costume? (Please don’t confuse this with Manfred Mann)

Nora Roberts
- If you sport this costume at your Halloween party, you’ll hear at least two people out of 100 murmur: “are they supposed to be Nora Roberts?”

This is what an award-winning novelist is supposed to look like 

Oversized Pee Wee Football Player
- Go to your local Kmart, Target, or wait... it’s 2012... go online and order one of these. Yeah, it’s gonna be absurdly tight. And yeah, you’re gonna look ridiculous. But you know the best thing about dressing up as an oversized pee wee football player? Your pee wee appears to be oversized.

Boba Fett
- Okay, the costume does cost $6,000. But it’s Boba Fett. And if there’s someone dressed up as Han Solo out there, then he’s obliged to either shit his pants or lose a lot of respect for not being true to the character.

Jay Glazer
- Just take your Mr. Clean costume from 2008, and add a circle beard. 

The Reiterator
- You wear a large backwards ‘R’ on your chest and a superhero cape. You join in discussions that are already happening, and rephrase as much of what was said as you possibly can.

Killer Combo Couple Costumes

Mork and Mindy
- Drink just one ounce of beer through your finger, and the party will be yours.

If you get to this post early enough, you should have time to grow the chest hair needed 

Bonnie and Clyde Drexler
- One half sultry outlaw, the other a mustachioed athletic specimen that will probably nail her after showing Bulls versus Blazers highlights

Chastity and Chaz Bono
- You and your lucky lady can choose to be considered a “before and after,” or a “pre and post-op” costume.

and while we’re on that topic...  

Sunny and Chair
- This is the one night where you get to be just as radiant as the light of your life. And she gets to dress up like a piece of furniture.

Three Blind Mice (One Deceased)
- Here’s what you need: Two life-size mouse costumes, and one life-sized mouse costume partially loaded with filler, and covered with fresh tire tread marks. The joke here is that the three of you really are (were) blind, and had a tough time crossing traffic getting to the party. Make sure you work on conveying dismay upon the discovery of your deceased partner when someone from the party inevitably asks “why are you dragging around a life-sized mouse costume covered in movie blood and burnt rubber resi.... oh.”

Group Costumes (Trios or Greater)

Kansas City Chiefs Offensive Line
- This costume is perfect for groups of large men that are disgusted with humanity

Everyone Walter White Has Disposed Of/Dissolved 
- These main characters currently fill the list:  Emilio, Crazy 8, Jane, Hector, Gustavo Fring, Tyrus, and good ole Mike. Also, don’t forget the barrels of hydrofluoric acid.

Craig Sager Cloning Machine
- This one is for as many people as Craig Sager has suits. Each and every participant gets to be as colorful and unique as they want, just as long as their suit is of an absurd hue.

The Jackson Four
- Too soon?  

Too late???