NARS

New Essay. New format. Passage-by-passage, line-by-line, and name-by-name, this Essay will introduce and discuss the Name/Age Range System, or NARS.

A son is born, his parents name him William. Many people will eventually call him Bill. There is only one problem... "Baby Bill" does not exactly have a ring to it. Neither does an infant named William.  Of course, when William gets older, he will more than likely 'grow into' his name. In his 30s, some people may even call him Bill in casual conversation. 

That's the weird thing about names. They don't always fit. Some names are great for the first few years of life.  Jacob, Joshua, Jayden, and Dakota are great names for those that are still wet behind the ears.  But as they get older, their identity, as well as the aesthetic representation of their name tend to go in a different direction.

Denny Rodman?

When you think about this way more than you should, you lend yourself to the question:  what is an optimal age range for a name? If this doesn't pop-out to you as self-explanatory, the mission of this article is to examine the range of age in which a name appears most appropriate for a person. Whether it is when we address them, think about them, or speak of them to others.

For instance, consider the name Michael. A 'Michael' can also go by 'Mike.' But how comfortable do you feel calling a 4 year old boy "Mike?" I personally would rather call him Michael. 

Taking this simple thought into further progression, I have devised a Name/Age Range System (NARS). Although concerning a topic subjective in nature, NARS will hopefully serve to help some of us who want to feel more comfortable in casually addressing someone who has a multi-monikered name. All we need to know is what age range they fall into, and we can apply NARS for ourselves.  NARS also may help those of us who are curious as to what version of our name we should go by according to the NARS database. The headlining benefits of this system being that NARS will help us determine when a name is most vogue, marketable, profitable, and/or just plainly appropriate.

William O'Reilly?

Here we go... line-by-line:

Let's start with the name Jerry. Jerry is a weird name for an elderly person as well as a young boy.  However, the name Jerry really hits its stride for males aged 33-49.  In this age range, the name Jerry seems very appropriate. Belonging to a person outside of that age range, the name "Jerry" just doesn't quite seem to fit.   

I will now introduce the parentheses that will help denote age ranges, and will aid in brevity.

Here is the example from above in NARS notation:  Jerry (33-49).

With this newfound notation, we will breakdown names by their variations followed by their appropriate ranges.

Other names in the NARS database just flat out exude youth. For example:  Chris (13-34).

Chris is also an easily manipulated name. Let's look at 4 variations. 

Chris, Christopher, Christian, and Topher. 

Let's say someone born with the name Christopher would like to optimize the age appropriateness of their name throughout their lifespan.

NARS recommends this:  Christopher (0-3; 52-demise)  Topher (4-12),  Chris (13-34),  Christian (35-51).

Note that the name 'Christopher' had a dual range set. This means that between the ages of 0-3, and the ages of 52 until death, it is best to go by "Christopher." All of this according to NARS.

Lawrence the Cable Guy?

A few more NARS analyses:


David (0-14; 54-demise), Dave (15-53)

Jacob (0-11; 29-33), Jake (12-28, 34-demise)

Jeff (18-demise), Jefferey (3-17),  Jeffie (0-2), Geoff (never)

John (0-3; 17-22; 47-demise), Johnny (4-16; 23-46), Johnny-boy  (11)


Now you may have noticed some overlap. In this case, we could call John either "Johnny-boy" or "Johnny" at age 11, and it would be equally acceptable to NARS.

Also you may be asking, why was it better for "Johnny" to be a "John" from the ages of 17-22? The answer to this can actually be fetched from the first few lines of the NARS algorithm. John will most likely be applying for colleges, jobs, and sending out career resumes during that period in his life.  Therefore between the ages of 17 and 22, it's best to go by "John."

Some of us may not have a NARS name. For those of you named Paul, Luke (not Lucas), and Craig, you're gonna have to sit this one out.

However, if your name is any variation of "Robert," you run a 1 in 3 chance of crashing the NARS mainframe.

In lack of a segue, here comes the most difficult and bandwidth absorbing analysis of them all:


"The Bob-Bobby-Robby-Rob-Robert-Bert Superfecta"


After 30 seconds of data-crunching, here are the NARS results:


Bob (39-61), Bobby (8-13; 22-26), Robby (0-7; 13-19; 25-32), Rob (19-33), Robert (6-10; 55-demise), Bert (9-13, 88-92).  

If your computer just when through a period of sloth-like response time, you can blame it on another Robert retrieving truckloads of data from NARS.



Although the NARS algorithm may not be the final opinion on name usage and timing, it may still be a voice worthy of hearing when one considers how their name affects their environment. Some people don't put any thought into their name and how they're perceived. Many people just left that up to their parents.  But if you are one of the others, or if you are just plain curious about this concept, then when you consider a name.... Nominate NARS.



Hope you enjoyed the article, and if you have any names you'd like to submit to the NARS motherboard, please comment, or send an email to thisweekindude@gmail.com.





Okay, okay, I'm not that sexist.




NARS analyzes girl's names too!

Michelle (7-9; 14-demise), Shelly (0-6; 11-13)

Roberta (0-12; 60-demise), Berta (13-16), Bobbie (17-59)

Catherine (0-2; 51-demise), Cathy (24-50), Catie (3-23)

Elizabeth (0-16; 43-demise), Lisa (35-42), Lizzy (17-19), Eliza (20-23) Beth (24-34).