Father of the Groom

Welcome back to another wedding season. The summertime ritual where you can't help but think to yourself, "holy shit, my buddy is getting married." It's a time to find a date, get a date, bring along the ole ball-and-chain, or clean up the sideburns and go stag. The heat is on.

It's time to bargain hunt the Mens Warehouse clearance rack, and redeem any Banana Republic coupons you've printed from your Firefox browser. It's a ridiculous rat race, and that's only from your perspective. Just imagining what it must be like for the parties involved makes spending way too much on a suit, abandoning any future plans for that weekend, and purchasing an outlandish outdoor grill set from the gift registry not seem all that insane. It's the least you could do for your former slovenly drinking buddy turned dapper groom.

And if you're just one of those people that doesn't typically carry around "compassion," let's explore this scenario and see if I can extract some.

The Father of the Groom versus The Father of the Bride

We all know that giving away your daughter's hand in marriage can be tough on the father. She's your angel, and you've been protecting her from men harder than any Marvel comic hero has ever protected their home city (alone or in tandem). But on the other side of the Chapel aisle is the giving away of the son to be married. This can be much, much, easier.

He's not your "Baby," and he's not your "pride and joy." If anything he's the result of sperm meeting egg in the back of a freshly vacuumed back seat adorned with empty beer cans and bargain champagne on a sloppy Friday night back in 1983.

The Father of the Bride looks forward to the relief that he's finally fended off all of the assholes trying to stick it in his daughter ever since she hit menarche. This is the celebration of the day where either the best asshole succeeded, or ideally, the best suitor has been found for the sacrament of matrimony.

The Father of the Groom on the other hand, sets the goal of drinking as much as he possibly can during the open bar, and can look forward to comparing his daughter-in-law to his wife during future light beer drinking heart-to-hearts with his son.

The Father of the Bride uses the antiquated and sexist cliche "I'm giving my daughter away."

The Father of the Groom wishes his son good luck on nailing his newlywed wife following the reception.

This is the one day that it is guaranteed that his son won't do something to completely piss him off, or disappoint him with yet another misguided decision.

This is the day when all eyes are on his son and future addition to the family, and it's not at all nerve-wracking from his perspective because he has been half in the bag since the photo-op back at the church.

This is the day when the Father of the Groom will be taking sips from a flask during the sermon, talking about Stephen Strasburg's 98 mph fastball with long lost friends at a buffet table over a few bud heavies, and getting cake all over his face in a suds soaked absence of shame.

The Father of the Bride will be drinking too, but he will be chasing shots of Crown Royale with antacids.

One father is a nervous wreck, the other, a train wreck.

For the Father of the Groom, this is where the rubber hits the road, and where his son's rubbers hit the storage closet. And while the father of the newly espoused spouse doesn't even come close to sharing this sentiment, the double-standard goes by both intentionally unrecognized and gladly embraced.

So here's to you this wedding season, the Father of The Groom. Crack open another Miller High Life, and toast to getting toasted on the day you're giving your son away.