All Your Friends Were Already NBA Players

For the sake of argument, let’s say that we all have friends. And let’s say we all have a “big group” of friends. We go to bars together, hike together, attend each others parties, and even combine athletic prowesses in the peerless pursuit of recreational organized sport. None of this is startling. What is startling is that among every group, everyone is some type of NBA player.

For real.

Here are the analogous possibilities:

Magic Johnson, John Stockton, and Chris Paul

In groups, these guys make their friends look better by accentuating their positives, and deflecting credit from themselves. They set you up with great women (or men), make every joke you tell a factor-of-10 funnier, and somehow empty you of all envy you figured you should be feeling towards them. 

Carmelo Anthony, Stephon Marbury, and J.R. Smith

These guys are the “Ballstoppers” or in non-NBA jargon:  “Cockblocks.” The attention focuses on them, always. When commenting on other friends, they either say nothing positive, or provide a back-handed compliment. Every action in their life is dictated by an ulterior motive, and once you get past their flash, they become “Oh Shit” people. As in when you see them from a distance, your first reaction is to say “Oh Shit. Not this asshole.”

LeBron James

You hate him. You love him. You hate him again. You love him and then can’t even remember why you hated him. He has a job that puts him on rotation, leaving the area just when he was starting to get on your nerves. He seems like a great guy and he dresses nice, but he rubs you the wrong way. Then he’s gone. Off the grid for a couple years. Then you miss hanging out with him. Then he’s back. And you get pumped! You love him again. Then he cheaps out on a round of Fireball. What an asshole!

Chris Mullin

These guys are fucking tough. And they will stick up for you. Willing to get a felony for having your back in a bar fight you started! Someone talking shit about you? Not on their watch! This guy has your back until you have no back. He’s the first one to your birthday party and the last one to leave your funeral. 

Allen Iverson and Michael Jordan

He’ll fuck your girlfriend, he’ll fuck your mom, he’ll fuck your dad. This man is as tenacious as he is ruthless. He’s the only person your Chris Mullin friend is scared of. And for all of these terrible things and more, nobody can get enough of him. He’s loved, adored, and everyone that has a daughter wants their daughter to date him. He’s had enough to drink when you can’t stand anymore. Never issue this guy a challenge, he’ll always accept it, and he’ll eventually reduce you to nothing.

Rajon Rondo

An absolute loner. The cool, yet disturbed James Dean of your friend group. He’s always underestimated and comes up big when you least expect it at trivia. How the hell did he know that? Who the hell knows…

David Robinson

The great looking, quiet guy of the group. Try to find one person that doesn’t think favorably of him.. it’s impossible.

Chauncey Billups

Confident. Reserved. And then at the perfect moment, says the most enlightening, funny, or earth-shattering thing you’ve ever heard, or does the most clutch thing you’ve ever seen — shortly thereafter exponentially accruing high-fives. Just don’t slap him on the ass though.

Dwayne Wade

The best dresser of the group. Has WAYYYY more girlfriends than guy-friends. His one-bedroom apartment makes your house look like shit. And you will never be as trendy or relevant as him. All of which is disheartening until you realize he’s such a good friend and a good dude — and always smells like Dove Men + Care.

Kevin Durant

Perpetually 20 years old. Extremely affable. The slightly-more-approachable version of David Robinson. Wears backpacks into beach bars. Need a cool goofy guy? This is him.

Jason Kidd

One minute he’s ordering an Über for you and the fellas, the next minute he’s snorting molly off a strange woman’s side-boob. He’s fun to be around… sometimes, but he’s just so damn self-destructive you have to keep your guard up. Whenever he’s in a serious relationship, his partner joins him and augments the downward spiral of drama that is “every weekend.”

Steph Curry

Popping bottles all the time. Not the best looking guy of the group, but always escorting beautiful women. Why? Because he takes the long shot, and 44% of the time, he drains it.

Steve Kerr

He’s a short, unassuming, average-looking guy. Nice, smart, and smells appropriate. But he’s weirdly proficient in an obscure field. Whether he’s a phenomenal writer, a secretly renown college professor with a high rating on feedback blogs, or just devastating at Skee-Ball, you know there’s a very good reason to keep him around.

Kurt Rambis

This is your hipster/nerd friend. He’s got a mustache, he’s got big glasses, and he uses odd antiquated slang like “Ouch… that smarts!” But he’s a true friend when you need someone down low, or you need someone to keep your Chris Mullin contained. Also without him, your group just doesn’t have the same energy.

Kendrick Perkins

He is the most injury prone of your friends. And this is probably because he has a feminine pelvic angle — which wreaks havoc on his knees.

Dikembe Mutombo

He appears friendly, except he disagrees with everything. You make a point, he refutes it. You propose a plan, he violently shoots it down. You say “excuse me” he says “No.” This is the Dikembe Mutombo.

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