The 12 Types of Bar Crawlers

This article is about "Booze"

A bar crawl is like a 26.2 mile sprint. You "pace yourself" by making sure you binge drink at every bar. And as you get more intoxicated, the alcohol goes down smoother, and as the alcohol goes down smoother, you drink faster. Resulting in a mind-erasing Catch-22.

This blog routine has been done before. But since this is "This Week In Dude," why not have it now be a chapter in official Man-Lore? A notary of debauchery that explains to the world that there are really only 12 types of bar crawlers.

The Overly Dressed
Will he be getting sloppy or not? It's a divine mystery for one so divinely dressed. Although it's obvious he's a member of the Trunk Club, what we want to know is how this bar crawl is gonna affect him and his great loafers, J Crew threads, and casually-worn $140 jeans. Maybe he drank hard at Dartmouth, maybe he only drank on occasion. During the crawl, you're gonna have to look for an indicator. Keep a close eye on his cashmere. If the sleeves roll-up, it's about to go down.

The Nacho Pounders
These guys are hungry every 45 minutes. And are the farthest thing from "over-dressed." In a typical bar crawl they'll scarf 4 nacho piles, 2 dozen wings, and 4 plates of sliders. They're also a roller-coaster of a group. Hitting euphoric highs when the alcohol is at peak absorption, and then tremendous lows during the onset of yet another food coma.

The Mumbler Stumblers
This breed of cat hits the bar hard an hour before the crawl even starts. And they're the only person on earth who would pregame for a bar crawl. When you arrive, you're taken aback by how the smell of booze on their breath somehow dwarfs the stench of the bar. They're happy to see you, and they look like they're on top of the world. At the next bar, they're ice skating across the laminate bar floor. But soon their manic run comes to an end. And then come the murmurs, the mumbles, the puffed-cheeked vomit catch, the grumbles, and finally the violent stumble which brings their night to an end, or to a bar that doesn't have standards.

The Beautifully Underdressed
Whether a dude or dudette, they're pulling off their minimalist and/or "tight" look with minimal clothing. And it's a thing of beauty.

The Disgustingly Underdressed
Whether a dude or dudette, they're not pulling off the minimalist look. And they've got cottage cheese hanging out the back of their lycra.

The Cryer
They've kept it together for 5 bars on the crawl. But bar #6 becomes a public house of misery. Perhaps they've channeled a distant repressed memory, a bad break-up from the past, or have somehow contrived their own despair. You ask them what's going on, and try to be a shoulder to cry on, but soon enough it becomes too much of a buzz kill. So you do something that they won't... move on.

The "I Love this Song Guy"
He might not be getting out enough, his S.O. might be dragging him down, or he's too busy getting an advanced degree at some shakily-accredited online university, whatever... What you do know is that the bar crawl makes him suddenly realize that he "misses these kinds of things." Things like spending a few hours with his friends, in a place where drinking as much as you want before 6 pm is perfectly normal, and where the music sounds SO F*CKING AWESOME!

The Guy Who Leaves The Bar Crawl To Start A Fight At Another Bar
He's gone "off the grid" to "kick some ass." He loves his friends. He loves his friends' friends. He just hates everyone else. Around the last leg of the crawl, he'll stumble off into the mellow lights of the streets to later resurface on the police blotter.

The New Guy
With so many friends getting together, and the open-invitee nature of bar crawls, you're bound to induct a new person into your circle of Friends. In 10 minutes you find out he's a really interesting dude, and within 20 you're Facebook friends; drunkenly writing inside jokes on his wall.

The Thrift Store Moth Ball
This guy looks like the 70s, but smells like an 80s cedar closet. He's donning "Thrift Store Chic," and makes subtle references to the coolness of the "NES PowerPad." He's nearly got the Macklemore look nailed, but he could use a little more retro refinement. And maybe a Clorox bleach pen.

The "Didn't Make it to Bar #2"
They've had a knack for disappearing before. Perhaps they were popping-in to keep up appearances. You swore they were right there next to you a moment ago. Now they're gone. Are you already that drunk?

The Closers
They stay level, they hold conversations, and they even exceed the demands of the bar crawl drink schedule. These guys are the ultimate crawlers. Functional alcoholics 20 years ahead of their time. If this trait wasn't such a social land mine, there'd be a monument in their honor.

Need more articles of Manhood? How about this? Or This? Or This