Week one began nearly a week ago, and ended last night. If we've learned anything about the NFL's continually-extending opening stanza, it's that the NFL knows how to make money. Unlike the MLB, which I would like to refer to as a “Creationism league,” the NFL takes a more secular approach and believes in Evolution.
Which to say, the NFL takes the smarter, more progressive approach. And if a team is in the playoff hunt, they don’t get screwed out of it because of an archaic desire to keep instant replay out of the game.
But this isn’t about how relevant the Yankees and Orioles are to their respective fan bases. This is about how irrelevant they’ve quickly become in light of NFL Week 1.
So opinionated openings aside, here’s some high-breadth, low-depth NFL analyses from This Week In Dude, in succinctly verbose topical format:
The Feud Between Ice Cube and Coors Light Carries On
The standoff between former “hardcore rapper” and the “beer that needlessly reminds us how cold it is in units of mountains” enters year 4. The new spots for the 2012 season foretell that dead horses will be beaten, but singing careers and street cred will not be revived.
NFL RedZone Makes Me Wet In The Trousers
My adrenal glands have truly dwarfed my kidneys since 1pm Sunday afternoon. There are few things that make it harder to leave the view of the television set. Breaking Bad, National tragedies, and NFL RedZone are the three I can think of before thinking once again about NFL RedZone and once again soaking the crotch chamber of my pants.
The ‘Skins Pay It Fore-Ward
Only Hurricane Katrina goes into the Superdome and does what the Redskins did.
Too soon? Too bad. The Saints last lost at home on January 2nd, 2011, and last lost a home game that mattered on October 24th the year prior. Something like this forces conscientious football fans to think of many crucial variables. Are the Redskins better than expected? Are the Saints just not that good? Is one team starting hot while the other starts flat-footed? Can Washington make the playoffs running Baylor’s offense?
Tom Brady: Male Model Quarterback
Tom Brady gets roughed up early against the Titans, gets the bridge of his nose bloodied, but walks off the field with his head down, exposing little to the cameras. Brady may have broken his schnoz, but who nose. With Belichick's non-descriptively anal approach to injury reports, we may never know anyway.
Jason Hanson Just Earned His Gary Anderson Card
Jason Hanson might watch Matlock on DVD, but as the NFL’s last active Baby Boomer, he is making a statement against those of us willing to use our age as an excuse to more aggressively invest in a mutual fund. So what if Jason Hanson should be playing Canasta in a retirement home? By just making the Lions 53 man roster, Hanson has done more for geriatry than Bob Dole and Betty White combined. He’s bucking one trend, and supporting another. The trend that we are collectively looking and acting “younger.” If you don’t believe me, do a mustache count in a 1980s high school yearbook and see how far we’ve come since then.
Matlock: The First Season. After that, nothing would ever be the same
Jay Cutler Proves He Can Throw The Deep Ball Against A Shitty Defense
Looking up Jay Cutler’s stat line led me to this. There is nothing I can add below that will top what I just saw.
NY Jets Offense?
After a dismal (yet Christian-approved) preseason, the Jets came out of the hangar and scored a franchise record in opening-game points against the Buffalo Bills. Who would’ve thought the Jets could both win a football game, and make Tebowners across the country go flaccid?
Aaron Rodgers Versus Aaron Rodgers’ Body Double
Aaron Rodgers did a lot of scampering Sunday, but his stuntman, Alex Smith, came away with the Oscar. Okay, that was a terrible metaphor. But you see what I’m saying... anyway, next topic.
Randy Moss Gets On The Fantasy Scoreboard Early
Making the most of his 29th position rank, Moss scored on a 14 yard toss from Aaron Rodgers’ pseudo clone. Could he be the first non running back to resurrect his career twice?
TWID’s Jersey Of The Week
Kam Chancellor
The first decent-looking jersey the Seahawks have had... ever
Who wouldn’t want a jersey with the name “Chancellor” on the back. The ultimate authority on defense. Too bad the Seahawks don’t have any reputable receivers on offense.
David Akers Goes Long
What a weekend for old man kickers. First, Jason Hanson proved that he was not on a breathing apparatus, then, David Akers nails a 63 yarder into the face of the Clay Matthews Band (the Packer defense). Proving once again, that although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, David Akers can still serve a purpose.
Steve Smith Might Have A Career In UFC
Would you want to fight Steve Smith in glorified underwear in a chain-enclosed polygon? Would you want to do this if you weren’t sexually attracted to him? Yeah, he’d probably thrash anyone who wasn’t a life-sized badger. Further corroborating with my “Senior’s In The NFL” spotlight, Steve Smith shows us that scrappiness never fades.
Peyton Manning Nails It Both On The Field And In The Commercial
Wouldn’t it have been funny if Peyton Manning came running out of the tunnel at Mile High in a neck brace? Like a Brian Griffin “ahh, gotcha!” moment. It seems like he has the swagger to pull it off. The fact that he didn’t play a joke like this should actually generate more concern. If Peyton Manning doesn’t continue to display his sense of humor after having his spinal column rebuilt, this might signal that something is amiss. You know who else doesn’t make light of situations by making jokes? Germans. And you know who else? Robots.
Which leads to the next talking point...
Peyton Manning Is Bionic, Our Life Here On Earth Is Over
In the event that Peyton Manning is a machine, TWID is going to “jump the gun” and assume this is true. His AI is higher than our IQ, and he is exacting his agenda from contiguous North America’s highest point.
The more it’s thought about, the more it makes sense. Watching NFL Sunday Night after proposing this outlandish hypothesis has me wondering whether or not Tony Dungy is an Alien Cephalopod. And I don’t know whether to brush this aside, or save money and build a reinforced underground shelter.
Alright, that was just for entertainment. The above two paragraphs were obviously composed of crazy talk and were entirely out of jest. So I’ll just completely purge the thought that Peyton Manning is a machine, and reiterate that Tony Dungy is not an invasive space octopus. What stupid and silly thoughts those were.
Come to think about it, didn’t Frankenstein’s monster also have four neck surgeries?
