Conservative Mental Hospital

ACT I:  The Welfare State

Birds are chirping in the main courtyard of the Conservative Mental Hospital. Our admitted patients interpret these chirps to be nothing else but Socialist propaganda.

Glenn Beck: We must squash this uprising!

Bill O'Reilly: To beat these pinheads, you must think like a pinhead!

Sean Hannity: For a large man Bill, you talk like a pussy.

Tea Party Tea Bagger: Anywern elsers ass hanging out the back of their gown?

Rush Limbaugh: Just don't give any feed to those blackbirds.

The Tea Bagger reaches for his drafty regions as Rush Limbaugh begins snorting crushed Oxycontin off of a Bible. 

Rush Limbaugh: Once these drugs kick in, I'm sure I'll have a brilliant idea. Until then let's think some more racist thoughts to keep our minds sharp.

Hannity: God dammit, Limbaugh! You know I don't like ideas!

Tea Bagger: [Incomprehensible]

O'Reilly: Jesus, Mary, and Romney! What the hell are you talking about, Tea Bagger? Are you a Pinhead or a Patriot?

Tea Bagger: Mmmm... guns?

O'Reilly: That's better.

Beck: Speaking of misinterpreting the Second Amendment, where's the gun safe here? Once we find it, we should probably move it... and then move it again. If I know one thing about Obama's "Liberalistic Agenda," it's that he'll be confiscating that safe soon. Even before Cliven Bundy can get here to hold him off.

O'Reilly: They don't allow guns in a Mental Institution, Glenny.

Hannity: They don't allow God either.

Limbaugh: Hayyy-Ohhh!

Limbaugh offers Hannity a high-five, but Hannity is too afraid of getting caught in the cross-fire of Limbaugh's bodily discharges. Instead he nods his head and goes over to the window. 

Hannity: Where are ya' when we need ya' Reagan?

O'Reilly: Reagan's dead, Shaun! And so is Lincoln, and Kennedy... and Jesus... and Patton... and Stalin.

Bill O'Reilly begins sweating profusely.

Hannity: I can't believe all those guys are dead.

Beck: And all because of an Obamacare Death Panel.

The words 'Obamacare' and the phrase 'Death Panel' send the Tea Bagger into a violent seizure. Somehow though, he soon stops writhing and begins to recollect his drool, a technique he had learned from Limbaugh.

Beck: Are you okay, Friend?

Teabagger: Herp dibbley!

Limbaugh: Every woman is a whore!

O'Reilly: ENOUGH! Now fellas... what are we going to do about these birds?

Hannity: I say we remind them of how immoral they are while Limbaugh tries to have premarital sex with that nurse.

Beck: I say we secede. But let me write a quick book about it before gathering any insight about our position.

Tea Bagger: Harr! Harr, yeah! [more knuckle-dragging, drooling, and crossing of the eyes... and then utter confusion as to what a 'Book' is]

Limbaugh: [motioning to the nurse] Come here and sit on my finger!

In typical talking head fashion, not much was accomplished today. The bickering banter continued well until after Limbaugh came down from his later quadruple-dose of quaaludes. Sadly, the nurse never sat on Limbaugh's bratwurst-like appendage, and Beck was only able to finish the first 300 pages of his 'Nuthouse Memoir.' All in all, it was a day for people who belonged here -- wearing open gowns, overreacting to every chirp of the birds, and fearing the prospect of Obama being elected to a third term.