Welcome To Man Francisco


"Man Francisco: The city by the bay." Well, that's not entirely correct. As with its crude and rough outer architecture and slowly developing infrastructure, its slogan is still a work in progress. Let's attempt to edit it. How about "the city that surrounds an erected bronze statue of Jason Bay?" That's actually a generous leap in improvement (you should've seen the Dude riots back in 1987). Why this slogan? Well... because since March 22nd, 2009 (known as the day of erection) there has been a bronze obelisk in the likeness of Jason Bay on display in the Man Francisco town square. Why Jason Bay? Well for one, this is a city of men, for two, men take pride in a lot of things that don't make sense, just as long as they can call it their own. And for three, men are known for praising overrated talents... and for erecting things.

Welcome to Man Francisco, a metropolitan area for men, by men. Except with a little interior design help from women. But not much. Just a curtain rod here, a nude statue of Dom Capers there, and that's about it*. It is part of the Man Franciscan guarantee that that is the only influence women have over the infrastructure of Man Francisco. Otherwise, this place would become all too similar to Jan Diego.

Similar to the "Mantropolis" as divulged upon in an essay prior, this place has all a man could ever need. A Wild Turkey whiskey distillery, pornographic library, National Museum of Chest Hair, and a WWF used spandex shop can easily be accessed within the city limits.

Like many other cities, Man Francisco is divided and subdivided. Many cities have barrios, neighborhoods, and suburbs. Man Francisco itself, is broken off into districts. Some of which are  named after subjectively precious landmarks. All within a mile from each other, Man Francisco takes pride in what they call their "Radius of Amusement." The five districts that abut borders like a Venn diagram are summarized below:

Man Francisco Bitmap

The Five Districts of Man Francisco

1. Center Town

- Also known as the "bulls-eye," this district of Man Francisco is equidistant to everything. It is in fact the geographical, geometrical, and geologic center of the city and has several hanging banners that reinforce the theme "heritage." This is where you'll find the lushly foliated PBR Gardens, "Night Moves" the Bob Seger karaoke bar, and of course, the Larry Bird Sanctuary. When a Dude needs to get away from the "city," Man Francisco recommends that you go deeper into it.

2. Ruben Sierra Ville

- Large pictorial depictions of leg kicks in pinstripes, and possibly a Ranger roaming in the outfield is what you should expect to find here. An entire district of Man Francisco dedicated to the playing career of Ruben Sierra. Even including a special carnival game kiosk where you attempt to guess his current age.

3. WWF Spandex Liquidators

- 8 in 10 men have frequent urges to don replicate uniforms of their late 1980's WWF heroes. And here is where you can satisfy those urges publicly. Whether you want to visualize yourself in the simple singlet of Andre the Giant, or if you're more of a tear away Hulk yellow tank top kind of guy, this elastic menswear emporium should have everything to fit your needs.

4. Joe's Spanish Shack

- Ever just want to step into a place and hear a bunch of dudes talk Spanish? Well, it's finally here. Joe's Spanish Shack offers the pleasure of viewing people speaking in nothing but Spanish, while dually avoiding the travel expense and minimizing the risk of being beheaded by a drug lord. Just as occasionally watching Telemundo gets a good laugh, this exact effect is not lost inside Joe's Spanish Shack.

5. The Wild Wild West

- Although strict building and plumbing codes dictate that this place must be fully irrigated, you wouldn't think this was the case at all down at the Dubya3 district of Man Francisco. A place where tumbleweeds are free to roam, and cowboys are free to chew, the Wild Wild West district is arguably and literally the closest thing a dude can get to experiencing what actually happened west of the Mississip in the 19th century.

We've explored the explorables, but what about the food? Isn't that third in the Man hierarchy**? What about Fine Dining?

Man Francisco is two scoops of mash potatoes ahead of you. As long as you're into Sizzler, Lonestar, Ponderosa, Wendy's, BK, and Mickey D's. And Pizza Hut. You'll come to find that this isn't a fast-paced East coast city... and that it isn't a progressive West coast city either. This is a place where having a beer gut takes precedence over being a health nut. But somehow still not a Midwest city.

Like what you've read so far? Then hurry up and apply for citizenship! Yes, you have to apply. Since Man Francisco is a sovereign and isolated city within a state within a State, you must apply for admittance. Or at least until an army greater than forty-two chronically drunken foot soldiers with Psoriasis can intervene.

Yeah, it may be a bit of a hassle, and it may be a drag... but just like crude and drunken lights-off sex... once you're in... you're in.

Man Francisco!

* Those are the only two statues in this town. You read that correctly, the two figures immortalized in bronze are journeyman Jason Bay and a nude likeness of Dom Capers.

** Essay on "Man Hierarchy" coming soon. Just need to decide what's a feeder, and what's a provider, and whether or not the Allman brothers are really All Man.